But I’m not going to make this a “woe is me” kind of lesson. Instead I’m keeping an open dialogue with myself to reapply the glue that keeps my brain together. Agree or disagree, I am not a glass is half full kinda person. I see myself as a realist. One that looks objectively at myself and try’s my best to do better. For way, way too long I saw myself as a loser. I verbally abuse myself way more than anyone else does. Growing up bullied left a few deep impressions on your brain. Impressions so well indented, I hardly need anyone else to be critical of me, because I’ve become so good at it myself.
I could go on and on about this, but you know the story. It takes a lot of time and a lot of internal repair just to get yourself to some degree of “normalcy”. Hey, I’ve been doing this since 1999 and I’m still struggling. I guess more than anything I wanted to say, placards of affirmation and well-wishes never worked for me. But hearing other’s stories of struggle and pain did. I’d much rather hear the tales of an honest loser than any “life coach” with a paper certificate and an air-brushed smile. I’m a firm believer in “misery loves company “. Struggles are real, bruises are real, and scars are how we heal. I’m a work in progress, so don’t expect any more. We are frail finite creatures, and shouting bullshit at the wind convinces no one. Especially yourself.