It all started around 1:30 this morning. The headache, slightly elevated temperature, sinuses congested, with a discomfort in my gut. Each one of these things don’t add up too much. But to someone with anxiety and panic, it adds up a long sleepless night. As I have described before, my anxiety comes in waves. Sometimes unexpectedly, but more often than not, with subtle reminders that the tide is going out.
It’s like a relentless torture coming at you from a thousand different directions. Not any one so over powering, but together they wage war against you mind and spirit. This one has been building for a few days. It’s effected my writing, my attitude, and my interactions with others. As my bride would gladly testify, “He’s not much fun the be around”.
So far I have awakened and fell back into a restless sleep at least four times. Each time waking up to the slightest belly pain or my eyes stinging and watery. I suppose I could just caulk it up to having a bad night. But after 20 years of dealing with GAD and panic, I’m pretty sure my self-diagnosis is correct. You see, my anxiety and fear can pick up on the slightest thing. While during the day my mind stays cloudy with anxious thoughts, restlessness, and a lack of focus.
This is nothing unusual, not for me anyway. I work hard to be proactive in my treatment through medication and mindfulness training. Writing is also a huge part of my daily therapy. But still there are those moments, when the tide falls. And all the muck and mud are exposed, so thick and sticky, that it could easily suck you down if you’re not careful. Tread lightly on the marshes of life and be respectful of the lowlands. They too serve a purpose the same as happiness, peace, and joy.