Today is not a good day for making decisions. For the last few days I’ve been fighting this nagging anxiety something is wrong. Dealing with panic/health anxiety, makes you hyper-aware of any subtle changes in your physical condition. Sinus pressure becomes fluid buildup, a little stress becomes heart trouble, even weight loss becomes cancer. Paranoia can be quite overwhelming, leading to restless nights and too many doctor visits to “cry wolf”.
For the most part I can put these feelings down. But considering my real history with certain physical conditions, you have to remain aware. So while dealing with my mind telling me somethings wrong; the cherry on top last night was my blood glucose dropping dangerously low, like 56 mg/Dl low. In moments like that I’m glad my bride is a lite sleeper. She got me what I needed to get my glucose levels up, because I wasn’t able to go anywhere.
It seems like part of me is the kindling and other half the kerosene. I try and take advantage of my mental conditions, by being very aware if what’s going on inside me. But there are days like today, where I wish it would all just go away.
Being human is a hell, for all the things we’ve accomplished to get to the top of the food chain. We’ve lost our instinctual ability to be in the moment. We panic and worry about the future. We allow the past to chain us down. Awareness is key. Being in the moment is key. Live each day as it comes. Except. Forgive. Move on.