After a lifetime of either hating myself or lying about it. I now look at things with a much more aware filter. In polite company I know I should say the right things. But more often than not, I end up wearing no filter. My family likes to refer to me as the “grumpy old man”, but I look at myself as a “truth teller”. Writing has become my preferred form of communication. Not only because of my lack of a filter, it allows me more moments of clarity and less opportunities to put my foot in my mouth.
This morning I was awakened with a shout, this time around two in the morning. As usually I went through my social accounts and left notes to a few friends across the world. I listened to some messages sent to me, again giving back as encouraging a word as I could. I don’t have many face to face friends anymore. Frankly most people simply don’t have the time. So my little social circle is pretty much it.
But I don’t think of myself as lonely. I suppose that’s because I enjoy my own company. Still many people I see are lonely. Oh they’ll smile or give a polite wave, but deep down they seem to be dying. Not so much physically as they are spiritually. You can see it in their eyes.
At this point of my life, I’ve learned to be reasonably content with the way things are. It’s not that I am not motivated to do better, it’s just that I find life much more pleasant than I ever have before. Through the simple act of accepting and loving myself. I have discovered, things don’t have to be perfect. That most of the dissatisfaction in my life came from my own self-hatred. Through the simple act of acceptance and forgiveness, I have learned that working from the inside out. Is the best way to change myself and the world around me.