A Second Cup

My old belly is a moaning like a growling bear, but that’s what I get for drinking that second cup of coffee. We all do things we know we shouldn’t do but like all God’s creatures that’s what we are all prone to do. It’s grey and dreary day outside my window, but at least it’s a pleasant 55° outside. So I throwed on one of my old Hendley’s from back in the day (my fat years). Admiring the small burn holes on the front from my pipe smoking years.

Our Autistic son has finally chilled out after a morning of not getting his way. Being in the room next to mine offers me a front row seat to his outburst and sensory overload. I was hoping he had gotten most of his angst out over the weekend watching football. But apparently he saved up a little for this mornings “Price Is Right”. But now he’s playing an old school arcade game with his usual clapping , humming and game sounds. But with all things you take the good with the bad and you learn to deal with it.

Recently a young acquaintance of mine was venting their frustration with romance and companionship while dealing with a disability. This got me to thinking about my own situation of caring for a disabled spouse. In my situation I walked into it mostly with my eyes wide open. Still there were times when her limitations get the best of me. Still out of obligation (lets be honest) and an abundance of respect for her. We’ve been together 37 years. But to paint those years with a rainbow brush would be a lie.

First there’s always the “honeymoon phase” were problems and mistakes are glossed over with a broad strokes. Then when raising kids you go into “survival mode” just to get through the next 18 years.  My wife has always been a doting mother, and I took up the slick as the bread winner, father, and general adult in the room. Meaning we were too busy keeping the factory up and running to worry about deeper things. But over the last several years our business has dwindled to a two person operation. While my wife is happy with her role as the doting Grandmother. I find myself craving a deeper relationship I never really got.

Due to my wife’s limitations I’m often left wanting.  Still we carry on as partners, I mean after 37 years there’s a certain comfort in familiarity. But while my friend has primarily physically disabled it least there’s hope for a growing spiritual relationship between them and a partner. But you always have to take the good with the bad, and often not everyone is compatible of fulfilling such obligations. So all I can do is wish them the best and offer the best advice I can. Now seeing myself have become “needy” my understanding and compassion for others with special needs has grown. So to has my desire to fulfill needs I’ve long put on the back burner.