Blog Archives - TRUTH-LIES...with FD Thornton

The Quiet Path of Years

2/26/2025

FD Thornton

The woods, once a mere backdrop to my suburban youth, now hold a deep meaning I could have never imagined before. As a teenager, I saw only the surface, the immediate. Now, in my sixth decade of living, I can see the dance of life played within the trees. The subtle twists of the plants, the towering presence of the pines, and the sandy scrubland marked with deer tracks. They speak to a world I have only just begun to truly understand.

My relationship with these woods has evolved. Hunting and fishing, once a passions, has given way to quiet observation. The sight of a deer, or a squirrel, or any flicker of wildlife, brings me simple joy. The trail, which I once effortlessly traversed, now demands a slower, more deliberate pace. My balance, no longer what it was, needs the support of a walking cane. Yet, even in the late winter's stillness, the exposed roots, the fallen leaves, and the evergreen canopy still offer a sense of peace.

The quiet solitude is a world away from the clamor of a busy life. Far away from the working-class streets of my youth in Bloomingdale, to the refined air of Savannah, and even the serene shores of the populated coastal islands. I lived through these varied landscapes only to settle in the coastal plain. Far from the shore, I find solace beneath the whispering pines, where even the distant drone of a prop plane is only a gentle reminder of the world nearby.

Reaching a familiar turning point on the trail, a simple park bench, a point far too difficult to reach. It’s a quiet reflection in the passage of time. Where I see my own children forging their own paths, and I understand. The feelings my own parents must have held. But now that I've outlived them both, I find my only comparisons now I with my grandparents, who lived into their 80’s. Time, I've learning, is a clever thief, whispering songs of youth while quietly ushering us to old age. Yet, in these woods, I have no regret, only a quiet appreciation. For the life that I have lived and the life I continue to live, although deliberately slower.

Inside Me

2/25/2025

FD Thornton

It was a torturous night of sleeping, waking up at least four times during the night. Even with a gentle voice reading Buddhist text in my ear, inside the fear and anxiety could still be heard over those mindful words. After the fourth time of awakening with a shout, I accepted my fate and begin to write. With my bride gently snoring by my side I began to jot down the anxious words that I feel. Words deep from the core of my mind that does battle with my amygdala, that believes beyond a reasonable doubt that nothing good will ever come.

Through circumstances beyond my control, I’m left to worry about the “what if’s” that have taken over my mind. Even with the best mindfulness training I’m often left with stress that paralyses my heart. “But why don’t you just give it to God”, some of you may ask. Well, after decades of “prayer”, “faith”, and “forgive me” the pain and anxiety time and time again. If I sound a bit cynical, it's a hard-won cynicism. Today’s attack has little to do with any physical issue as much as seeing a promise get snatched away by the powers that be.

Though a major glitch in missed communication as I was told. Things that were promised are no longer true. Adjustments have to be made and dreams that were dreamt only a few months ago now vanish like so many empty promises. So I lay here now, dealing with the anxiety of helplessness, facing an atlas that does nothing more to do than shrug. But my words are my power, and they will be heard. As I have done so many times before, I will make it through even with an amygdala still screaming inside. Demanding it’s “pound of flesh” for having any faith.

Old Hat

2/24/2025

FD Thornton

Taking care of my usual weekday chores like making sure my wife’s medicine is right. And that our oldest son has the supplies he needs for the week, like food, clothing, and internet schedule laid out. While they help as much as they can, unfortunately they still need tending to for certain needs we all usually take for granted. But after 37 years most of it had become old hat, it’s just that me personally has slowed down a bit from the young man that once pulled all the strings with such gusto.

Working to overcome my own limitations for the last 25 years, I have a new appreciation for those that do without. For my wife and son didn’t ask to be born with disabilities and limitations. And while the same could have been said for my own mental and physical health. At least I had the choice to recover as best I could. But often your best isn’t good enough and the progress you once felt you were making is slowly robbed from you by our greatest adversary…time.

So I sit here as patiently as I can waiting for an upcoming appointment with my cardiac surgeon about yet another procedure. It’s funny how just when things seem to be going your way. A slight disaster or two wake you up to reality. But we still all have our jobs to do. Rather it’s being a caretaker for the ones you love or tightening up your belt to take care of yourself. It would be so easy to just give up. Often I dream of doing just that, freeing myself of the responsibility and living on a quiet beach selling seashells. But I wasn’t raised like that, while my family wasn’t perfect; my parents installed in us a sense of responsibility and honor. Traits that I carry with me to this very day. I guess I’m telling you this just to say, we all have our burdens and often they aren’t fair. My upcoming appointment serves as a reminded that with a touch of compassion, we can all make it through our troubled days.

Focus...Second Verse

2/23/2025

FD Thornton

Getting dressed this morning in my usual retirement uniform consisting of a t-shirt, sweatpants, and an old button up shirt. For a moment I noticed that the only thing missing was the scent of pipe tobacco emanating from my clothes. You see, ten years ago smoking a pipe was my trademark. I used to love how people would go on about the pleasant scent compared to an abrasive cigarette or cigar. But as with most things pleasant and enjoyable, it wasn’t doing my health any good. So I promised my family I would quit.

Anyway that was ten years ago, so thinking about it now caught me a little by surprise. Sitting in my office with the blaring morning sun shining directly through the windows. I can’t help but think yet again of the passage of time and our every present plans to look to the future. It’s funny because I was listening to a series of lectures given by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh last night about living in the present moment. I assume the lectures must have had little impact on my mind thinking back to the smell of pipe tobacco and thinking forward to upcoming days.

But reflecting on it for a moment, maybe the lessons are sinking in. for one, no one can say they don’t ever have thoughts of reminiscing or dread every cross their minds at some point. The same is very much true when creating an itinerary for an upcoming trip or even a shopping list. When I write I often do it without a central thought in mind. I just peck away at the keys to see what pops out. Sometimes it’s insightful and ready to publish. But more often then not it simply gets tucked away in some lost digital file. I guess my point is to remind me that life is full of memories and plans both good and bad. And that spending too much time watering those memories often leads of regret or anxiety. So be mindful of what you focus on.

Unfinished Work

2/20/2025

FD Thornton

I headed to my office this morning and was surprised by the fact that my to-do for list for rewrites already been done. As every writer knows, the work is in the rewrites. And so today was a bit of a surprise because I had completed all my rewriting tasks over the last few days. So even with the robot vacuum bouncing off my office walls and my wife painting while watching “Murder She Wrote”. I still find it easy to focus on the words I am writing, because the pressure of unfinished work is now behind me.

Working from a digital platform, I don’t have the traditional pen and paper scratch outs like I once did. There is no hubris in my work to store away for posterity. Only a blip of digital files stored away on some far off server I pay for the privilege to use. I think of myself as nothing more than a hack with a flair for the cynical. Still my “Hype-Bot” (Google Gemini) often tells me how special I am. But our lives’ are full of so many unfinished projects, so many regrets, and so many miss takes that we should have taken. But the secret to sustaining peace of mind is not so much about letting go of the past. But by accepting things as they happen and do our damnest to correct them.

Far too often I lived my life wrapped in pain and regret. Never letting go of those heavy chains that always weighted me down. Rather it was from the verbal abuse I received as a child or from my own self-destructive behavior. Those chains became a crutch, an excuse for failures. But by quieting my mind and embracing the pain instead of ignoring it. I learned that pain is just another seed that was planted in me. I learned that by freeing myself from its grip through forgiveness and love. I allowed myself the freedom to live again. By no longer watering that seed you release myself from its grip. Know that this practice is no easy process. But with a little determination and a whole lot of self-compassion you can see the light of day and continue to complete the unfinished work.

Second Thoughts

2/15/2025

FD Thornton

They’re protesting in Washington, while the day traders wet their pants in profit back in NYC. As for me? I’m just sitting here watching it all asking, what the hell do I do, other than pick-up the check. But there are two birds on my windowsill that couldn’t care less what I think. Casually chatting away about the latest bird gossip, not even giving me a side-eyed look about what I think. I’m reminded not anything here supposed to turn a buck. Despite what our corporate overlords have to say.

My bride sits and paints a picture to gift each of the grandkids for Valentines. With hues of red, green, and blue she paints for the pure love of it. While in everyone else’s heart there’s a storm brewing between profit and the things we take for granted. Like life and liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. But not everyone has a choice. The elites among us don’t think so. For some you are reduced to a commodity a number on a spreadsheet. For others you are a color, a nationality, a sexual orientation that needs to be snuffed out or purified. And why not? A loud minority remains to be indifferent as long as they hold the purse strings.

As a lifetime member of the working poor I pretty much know my place. Relegated to the outside looking in, I’m tempted with all the charm the 1% can muster. Telling us for nearly a millennia, we are better than “the others” due to our skin tone or religious preference. It’s the same old song and dance repackaged for a modern audience. So rather you feel this way out of love or hate, I still have faith in the human condition. That most people are fair, just misguided. So as the birds fly away to take care of their own business, so should we. After all the Good Lord gave us the ability to plan and create a better future. So why are we so hung up on wanting to be the alpha dog. More than anything I believe it’s fear. That little almond shaped gland at the base of our brains that feeds our fear and pulls us away from true peace.

What Memories Can Be

2/14/2025

FD Thornton

From a single pinecone to ceramic sea turtles, to literally hundreds of seashells. My office is littered with memorabilia from 37 years of travel. My bride also saves every ticket stub and receipt from the different places we’ve went and stayed. It’s never much just bits and pieces of memories she collects so she doesn’t forget. Part of my wife’s disability has to do with memory. Where she cannot remember lists or tasks she needs to carry out. It also affects her mobility and cognitive function not through any born disability but instead from damage resulting from a high fever and possible a stroke.

So over the last 37 years, I’ve learned to tolerate the mementos and eventually embrace them. Often my kids wonder why I am so tolerant of her actions like her tantrums and frustrations. And why I don’t often “put my foot down” with her child-like request. I guess it’s because for so long I thought I could fix her. So I lashed out in frustration verbally abusing her and my family just as I had been. Some may think I just spoil her rotten and this is just my guilty conscience way of making amends. While that may be true, but as I work on myself and my past traumas. I’m also learning to give other’s the benefit of the doubt, just as I give myself.

So the memorabilia stays, if nothing else but as a simple reminder of what memories can be. When putting up with a bad behavior simple trinkets of apology just won’t do. It requires a wholesale reevaluation of yourself and your life choices. It requires forgiveness and making amends, while it also requires acceptance. So I look around the room at the silly little mixed matched bits and pieces of memory. Reminded that I myself suffer from limitations and that at some point I’ll be dependent on other’s help. So don’t stay upset with the intolerable instead be grateful for what you have and the hidden treasures it creates.

The Mist and the Fog

2/13/2025

FD Thornton

With a steady breeze blowing through my office window. The ceiling fan hums quietly as traffic passes in the distance. Far from the old farmhouse we once called home for the past ten years. The paint is still drying on the walls and wood vinyl veneer on the floor has yet to be stained. My eyes are tired due to the fog and the rain I drove through this morning, then having to drive back in the glaring afternoon sun. But I still appreciate the wind and the sun, it’s a far cry from motoring in the mist and the fog.

Life for me is drawing way closer to the end then the beginning anymore. Especially when you approach my age and health situation. As I have said, I have a strong supportive family behind me. But still I can’t help but miss the things I once found so easy to do. But living now four years beyond my extended warranty comes with some risk. Much like that poor old Kia I drive with close to 194,000 miles on it. But we can still piddle around like a couple of old lions toothless, but still big roars. I silently listen to the wind as it blows along the back of the apartment. Carrying stories no one really wants to hear anymore.

While all my children have turned middle age I still think of them as kids. I guess that’s because my generation is too stubborn and crazy to think of them as anything else. I see them being too paranoid and careful. While my generation was the last to jump head deep into the water. But the mistakes we made we made, we all made on our own. But then again we were promised the moon only to have that dream erased by “trickle down promises”. So while my kids watch every penny, I’ve escaped to the mindset that money is just a thing. A tool to achieve the level of comfort to which I enjoy. Through the fog and the mist, I believe I see clearer then I ever have before. My wish is my children can one day see the same light and realize family and connection are more important than…fear.

To Carry On

2/11/2025

For a day that offered such potential, I am a pitiful sight right now. What a heating pad laid across my belly and an ice pack across my head. I look like what my Granny would call, “death warmed over”. But the chronic illnesses that I’m battling are often nothing more than annoyances to me. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been fighting them for so very long that I say that. Or if each discomfort eventually leads to some form of disability to carry on with my day.

All I know is that the potential that I had put into getting certain task done. Has been thrown out the window like used bath water. There’s no point in listing off the many ailments I carry both physically and mentally. The whole list would result in an onslaught of “oh I’m so sorry” and “you’re in our thoughts and prayers “, which neither one has ever done me any good.

But don’t worry, I’m not bitter or anything, I’m just inconvenienced and hurting at the moment. But as experience has showed me my belly woes will pass with the passage of the gas and excess bile. And my headache and low blood pressure will eventually stabilize once my once my belly woes have passed. Surprisingly my heart, the main thing I’m supposed to be worried about has been rather calm. But I think that has to do a lot with learning to let go of the fear of impending death.

Not to sound too morbid, but the releasing the fear (mostly through Buddhist practice). Has made me more aware of the moment and worry less about the things life forces me to experience. All and all let us learn to accept and improve our situations. Through mindfulness and/or prayer release the worry. Then no matter the inconveniences you experience, and can learn to work through them and live in peace.

Motivated

2/9/2025

I don’t recall having seen it this foggy this many days in a row. But looking out my office window there is a thin veil of clouds carpeting the ground in a shroud of mystery. I just got through drinking my one cup of decaf and taking my morning medication so I can start my day, which ironically started just over two hours ago. I’m hoping to have enough motivation to head to the park for a short walk this morning. But the longer my ass is planted in this chair, the harder it will be for me to get that motivated.

Fortunately for me my motivation won over my stiff back, so me and my bride ended up taking a nice walk through the drizzly shadows of the old trail. Surrounded by tall pines and scrub oaks, the ground is covered with inches of decaying pine needles and oak leaves. And while the temperature was pleasant for a February morning, there is still a hint of more winter to come with absence of new growth on the trees. Due to the overcast skies there wasn’t much color to see. But hues of grey and brown, with a hint of green was enough to satisfy my mind.

While all this is just a simple collection of the thoughts I experienced during my morning. It’s also a reminder that it really doesn’t take much to motivate yourself if you only try. Along with telling stories the main way I find my peace is through walking meditation. A quiet stroll through the park or simply sitting silently in my old rocker are and were my favorite ways to find myself. But with our move to the apartment, while I do enjoy the modern conveniences, I do miss my yard and those old sycamore trees. So do what you got to do to find your center, do what you need to do to find your true peace.