 Adobe Stock Image After stirring up my witches brew so I could take my pills. Off in the distance I could hear an empty Norfolk-Southern train rolling down the tracks, more than likely hauling timber and empty car haulers down to Brunswick. They never seem to have a set schedule that I’m aware of, but the train usually rolls through town at least once a day. I’ve been up since 5:40 this morning, I slept a little, going down about midnight. But not to worry, considering my open schedule, I’ll take a nap when I’m ready. At 53° the air has a bit of a chill to it for a Southerner. The sky is grey, but the new weather girl promised sunshine once the morning picked up. (I’m sorry, she looks 14 years old to me). My wife is alert and awake now watching the Golf Channel, with all the intensity of a Bookie watching a prize fight. I assume they’re betting on how high they’ll cut the grass this morning. Our son is still asleep after his midnight grocery run in the kitchen. He’s never one to be afraid of beating a pot or pan. I suppose I could complain about it, but I’ll leave that job up to my bride. Sitting here with my still warm cup of coffee, I should be sitting up in bed reading the newspaper on the tablet. But instead I’m sitting here searching for keys on this keyboard, while the rest of the world make videos or use text-to-speech features. Considering I wasn’t diagnosed with Dyslexia until my second year in college. It’s a wonder why I don’t just give in to the trend of videos and live TikTok’s. But as it is with me, still using an ancient form of communication…words. So I apologize for forcing you to read above a third grade level. But life is what it is, and while I’m grateful for the two or three likes a popular piece I write gets. I’m grateful for still being able to use two or maybe three fingers to peck at these damn keys. But keep in mind, life isn’t about keeping things simple. It’s about facing the hard truth that we must all carry, and that’s my story. #Necessary #HardTruths #DoWhatYouGotToDo #Life
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 I woke up a little shaky this morning, not so much trembling, just shaky. Maybe it’s just my nerve endings, I don’t know. But it feels like it’s starting from deep within my belly and working its way out. Weird. Anyway, I read a post from a woman I went to school with back from old Bloomingdale on bus 237. She mentioned B’dale had gotten a donut shop and posted a review of the business. Thinking it was kinda funny that Bloomingdale 31302 would be recognized for a donut shop of all things. I replied to the post the with, “B’dale was now on the map”.
I do find myself thinking more my past of late. Not so much to glorify it, as much as, recognizing whether I like it or not, it’s a part of me. Not to sound too sentimental, I used to look at my youth through a lens of insecurity and disappointment. My mind was too hyper-focused on the bullying and the name calling to ever really enjoy it. Not trying to dive too deep into the psychobabble of it all. I suppose more than anything, I just learned to accept that part of myself and to love myself anyway. And isn’t that all we can do? While I don’t subscribe so much to the doctrines of Milton Memorial Baptist Church, or Faulkville Baptist Church, or even of Westview Assemblies of God anymore. I do see the value of forgiveness, especially to oneself. For so long I was told to be selfless, to put the value of others above my own. And that I did, but at the near destruction of my own self. See what I am saying? Life has no value if you don’t place any value on yourself. So feel free to love yourself and feel free to love others just as much. That is one of the keys to a healthy life. #Balance #Truth #Love #Respect #Forgivness  Adobe Stock It all seems kinda funny when you talk to an older sibling or an aunt or an uncle, about growing older. But then there comes a day when you look in the mirror and the “getting older” is you. During the week me and an old friend were catching up asking about family and such. And not long after the conversation was over, they got a call that a relative we actually discussed had died. For me there was sadness because I knew this person when they were young and I was a bit younger. But for my friend who was related to them, it was a hard blow. Thinking back to my grandparents, my parents, the aunts and uncles, and even cousins I’ve lost along the way. For the longest time I never thought of myself as old. Mature, yes. But old, never. Then I started having grandkids, and my friends and family started having grandkids as well. And time just seemed to snowball where years turned into months, and mouths turned into weeks, and so on. Till even now sitting here thinking about it, it’s all turned rather tiring. But there is a place to retire and mourn, just as there’s a place to celebrate and rejoice. So for me and my friend it is a time to mourn what we have lost. For them a beloved relative, and for me the passing of time. So as I sit here and watch yet another glorious sunrise. Let us not forget the ones we have lost and the ones we are watching continue to grow. Be an influence, be a shining example of what to do and what not to do. So we all can take comfort in knowing our lineage is being passed, from one generation to the next. #Generations #Lineage #Remembering #Mourning #Rejoicing  It’s late in the morning, the sun’s as bright as it has been in days. I got the curtains opened as wide as I dare with the glass up about halfway. The wind is blowing while that rough cold front from last night blows it’s last breath. After a rather vivid dream, I got up and took my time getting ready. My bride was already up watching the Golf Channel showing images of a crew mowing the greens in Los Angeles. Preparing herself with her stats, charts, and whatever else she uses to watch a game. While I’m just sitting here enjoying the breeze blowing through the windows and the sound of birds singing across the sky. Still focused on the dream I awakened to earlier, in it I found myself having a heated argument with a friend about a subject we usually try to avoid. But there we were, in front of a bright red sports car near a beach, arguing about that very subject. As of this writing I haven’t told my friend about the dream, but as soon as they read this, I’m sure they will know. Anyway, the thing I took from the dream was how selfish I was towards my dear friend. When they themselves are going through an incredible amount of change. So let me say, “I’m Sorry” to them, for something that hasn’t happened anywhere but in my head. Still I feel it’s important for me to say that, for my own peace of mind. Looking at life and all the vast ways we have to better ourselves and free our consciousness. Rather through prayer, or meditation, or chakras, or chanting with singing bowls. For we all seek that elusive “Peace of Mind”. So whatever way you choose, choose well, and don’t ignore the warning signs your subconscious may be sending. #Dreams #Interpretation #Mindfulness #PeaceOfMind  Apparently a rule of thumb is to not look for trouble where there ain’t none. For years my oldest said I was a hypochondriac, and to a point that may have been true. But I think what they didn’t take into consideration was the fact that I had been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). So for years while muddling through my mental illness, my physical health was always a focus of mine.
But to be honest I wasn’t helping the situation, I was a stress eater. I smoked, and I didn’t exercise at all. Carrying around enough internal stress to sink a ship. While I did my best to overcome my mental situation with medication and learning self-love. Physically I was still a wreck. Till eventually all my nightmares came true, when all the self-inflicted cuts eventually took me down. But interestingly enough, in my weakest physical moment, I actually found my greatest strength. Peace. Even now some ten years later, it’s hard to describe, when facing my greatest fear, death. I felt nothing but calm. You could say it was the drugs or the fact that I was being monitored 24/7. But in reality, that wasn’t it. It’s almost like I finally looked over the edge of the cliff and I felt fine. Since then I’ve did my best to be proactive about my health. I quit smoking and tried to start eating better and even exercising a bit. But to be honest, I have been slacking up. While I think my diet has gotten better, I practically stopped walking. Since my digestive health has leveled off, I’ve noticed the pounds packing back on. So to hold myself accountable, I’m going to go back to the trails and start walking again. I need that alone time; I need that relief from the 24/7 stresses of caregiving. I need to continue, to find me. #FindYourself #LoveYourself #Fear #MentalHealth #Anxiety  With a playlist I have on my phone, I play a few melancholy tunes while I peck away at the keys. I wished I’d learned to type while I was in high school instead of just goofing around. But such as it is, with hindsight being 20/20 and all. The melancholy tunes play like sacred hymns, just enough not to drag me down too far. Half listening to the tunes, outside the window I can hear the distant sounds of kids playing on the playground. Making the whole scene feel quite peaceful, in the late afternoon sun. Supper’s simmering on the stove, a deadly combination of carrots, potatoes, and other scrounged up vegetables. But without any noodles or rice to add to it, it’s going to be a long rest of the month. Just now a Kris Kristofferson track, Sunday Mornin’ Coming Down starts to play. Reminding me I’m not the only person that’s felt this way, bringing a smile to my face. Then The Pilgrim, Chapter 33, begins to play, while my wife brings me my glass of lemon sweet tea, all the while rolling her eyes at my song choice. But ain’t that the way it goes, now with Kristofferson’s Why Me lord, playing to complete the mood. But what else can you do? You either let the music take you up to heaven or straight down to hell. The choice is yours. I know this comes off sounding like some bad sermon or a dramatic scene from an ancient play. But that’s just me, spitting out the thoughts, I kept inside for so long. #Reflection #Timing #SacredHymns #SharedStruggle #Life  Image: Disney/D23 Brings It All Together Warm tea and cold coffee, that’s what greeted me this morning in my study. After laying up and sleeping till about 9:30 this morning, this Friday the 13th is living up to it’s name. But I shouldn’t be surprised considering how my Thursday evening went. Last night, despite the pounding on my ceiling, and my back hurting. I got to watch a movie I’ve been wanting to see for months. But listening to the soundtrack is what put me into a headspace of dystopia and negative-positive energy. So as the residue of those emotions haunted my sleep, along with having to go to the bathroom three times during the night. So when my wife got up at our usual time, I stayed in bed. Taking advantage of the fact that I am retired and got no place to go. So here we are, a new candle burning brightly, my coffee now warmed up slightly, and all my meds taken. Overlooking a bright hazy sky. God knows why any of the two or three people that read this shit ever do. I mean, I wonder if I would, to be honest. But here we are all waiting for the moral of this story. And to be honest, I don’t know if I can. The movie to me dealt with the desire to be more of who you are. To be more aware, more in touch. That’s what it told me between all the special effects and flashy fight scenes. But I guess you got to put fan boys into the seats or at least try. So I’ll leave you with this, flash and spectacle doesn’t make a life. But time, companionship, and love; now that brings it all together. #Spectacle #Flash #Reality #Awareness #Zen  Google Gemini Even now on this cloudy wet morning I can hear the distant sound of a single prop plane flying overhead. The sound is fainter then usual, I suppose the pilot is flying above the clouds. But still, I can hear the plane like I do most every morning. Taking off and landing at our local airfield next to the state park. My wife and I watched a single engine plane land Monday afternoon on our way to the doctor's office. A stiff breeze must have caught the wing, cause it dipped a bit to the left as they got close to the runway. But they corrected and landed safely. My wife said, “That’s why I’m never going to fly in a small plane”. Expecting me to concur I said, “I’d rather fly in a small plane than in a jet any day of the week”. “At least I’d have a fighting chance of surviving”. So we travelled on down the Highway and nothing more was said. Until this morning when I heard that same familiar roar of the engine. It’s funny the chances we are willing to take while other’s are totally out of the question. Like the fact I love being near the water, yet I never learned to swim. It’s a primal fear I’ve never had the slightest urge to overcome. But my wife swims like a fish and so do most of my family. Like I said I love open water, but I hate swimming pools, so figure that one out? I guess we all have things we just assume not to do. Some see them as a challenge to overcome. While some of us just assume leave it alone. I don’t see myself as a Type-A person, I’d rather sit in the shadows and let others face that level of criticism. It used to really bother me to be taken apart like that. While now it doesn’t sting so bad, it’s still something I’d rather not do. But life is about the risk we are willing to take. In my case it’s not so much about the reward, as it is surviving. The risk/reward was replaced by fight or flight. And in most cases I’d just assume run. But now after being a father and a provider and caregiver, I’ve learned to hold my ground. So in this world of dog eat dog, I just assume chew on a carrot. For true peace ain’t so much about the victories you win. But about the successes and the joys you create. So just like my Buddy flying around above the dense clouds. Find joy in whatever you see. #RiskReward #FindYourJoy #StandYourGround #Overcome #Zen  March On Washington Rowland Scherman - U.S. National Archives Sitting here taking my medicine an old song by the Fairfield Four came to my mind, The Last Month of the Year. It’s a peppy tune about Jesus born on Christmas Day. Even now the tune plays in my head, but I dare out play it on Spotify. Because I just assume hear it as I did on CD when I bought the album decades ago. But you go ahead and find it on any streaming service, I know you will enjoy it. It’s sort of a hazy day outside, not too cold. Just the right weather to listen to a Black spiritual hymn. And I see no shame in saying I love Black Spiritual and Mass Choir Music. And when the mood strikes me I often find my wife singing along with the tunes. Given that she was raised in the Pentecostal Way. As you know I was raised in the early Evangelical Movement of Jim Bakker and The PTL Club. If you were raised in the Deep South or The Hill Country, you know what I mean. Anyway my taste for Black Spiritual music sprang up from there. And despite my “Backslidden Ways” I still enjoy the music to this day. I ain’t got no damn clue why I’m bringing any of this up. Other than to enjoy a past memory and allow the sweet harmonies of The Fairfield Four to play in my head. For a millennia, music has always played a part in the human condition. Rather to celebrate or to mourn, music gives comfort to the comfortless, and hope to the hopeless. So on this month of remembrance, don’t allow the actions of a soulless few to steal your joy. #TimeForChange #WeShallOvercome #Remember #SoullessFew  Image By: Adobe Firefly & FD Thornton I’m glad I am about three stories ahead on my writing. Because for the last few days I have not been fit for man nor beast. Meaning I have been in a foul mood. But to be honest, despite my dear wife’s saintly appearance, let’s say she can get on my last nerve. A prime example would be tonight’s dinner, simple spaghetti and noodles, which I would have begrudgingly prepared if asked. Well, while in the middle of responding to a friend’s text, I was interrupted with, “This sauce isn’t flavorful enough, put something in it”. To which I stopped our thread, got up, to ”fix” her sauce. Which by the way was already going with the meat in it and nothing else. So I diced some mushrooms, bell pepper, and onions to put in it without being able to sauté them, since the sauce was practically done. Now I realize how petty this whole argument is, considering who my dear wife is. But to be extremely honest the disability card can only be thrown so often before it gets extremely old. Now before any of you condemn me to the gallows for not being a good caregiver, let me say. All caregivers have their limits, and I’m sure I would get a silent “Amen!” from 99.9% of you, if you weren’t made to feel so guilty. My best advice. Find yourself a way to vent. As you can read this is one of mine. Other constructive things you can do is exercise, talk with a friend or counselor, meditate, or pray to God. And if none of these help, scream in your car (that works for me). We are NOT superheroes or punching bags or disposable people conveniently used to care for other disposable people. We are all human beings, created by our creator, for a higher purpose. Than to just do the jobs most of you are unwilling to do, for little to no money. #Confessions #Truth #Caregiving #Reality #Burdens |
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