Blog Archives - TRUTH-LIES...with FD Thornton

All in this Together

3/29/2025

Since Wednesday I haven’t used any of my normal releases for my discomfort. Other than the drugs I was given at the hospital, some pre-op meditation practice, and a boat load of Tylenol. Since then I’ve kept pretty much to myself telling anyone that has asked, that I’m doing fine and that I’m just sore. But what I have been feeling in my head are the effects of a lack of sleep, getting screwed over by SSA and SSI, and my car breaking down.

With each opportunity I’ve had to write about this, I’ve decided to “plead the fifth”. Keeping my frustrations to myself and allowing them to stew over in my mind through a long series of restless dreams I’ve been having lately. The days aren’t too bad, I occupy my mind with mindless videos and catching up on TV shows I’ve promised myself to watch. But when the sun goes down that’s when the truth hits me, and I find myself isolated and alone.

I suppose there should be some moral compass to all this, like the importance of mindful practice and sharing. But at the moment I just ain’t feeling it. So if there’s any moral to this story it’s that I understand how you’re feeling. When you just ain’t feeling it and you’re just silently wishing it would all just go away. But until that happens I’ll get myself a glass of lemon tea and let the heating pad and ice pack do their thing. If you’re feeling the same way, it’s okay to let me know. Remember that we are all in this together.

The Words I Pen

3/23/2025

FD Thornton

Waiting for a handout is never easy. At least it’s not for me. Raising four kids in less than ideal circumstances is never easy, especially after uprooting your family just to pursue a silly dream. As a young man I was convinced I could save the world. In a previous life I was guided by the principles that the word of God would save us all. But my world changed in '99, leaving a hollow space where faith once stood. Still shadows linger, a constant reminder of what was lost.

My wife is very critical of my attitude towards established religion. But after the trauma I’ve experienced for the last 26 years, she’s understanding of my attitude. But I do have to admit that recently my hardline attitude towards faith has mellowed mostly due to my own children’s attitudes toward practicing faith. I don’t really care to get into the nuts and bolts about why I don’t value faith anymore. That’s more of a personal thing people should keep to themselves.

I have always been a bit of a people pleaser. Feeling that since I had such low self-worth, the only way to have friends was to cater to their every whim. This forced me into a life of servitude in a way becoming a master of disguise never revealing too much of what lied deep inside. It was my way of protecting that inner child that feared being bullied and shunned over and over again.

I am a chameleon who can be witty for the crowd, stone cold with my family, and a raw nerve with myself. I am all of these things, where wealth and fame are but distant dreams. For life is a frantic squirrel chase, where my basket was always empty. Not for lack of trying, but now I see that wealth and fame are goals I refuse to compromise for. I now pursue life for peace and contentment, and while I still may put on a show, I understand that true freedom is found in the words I pen.

Beyond the Bottom Line

3/21/2025

FD Thornton

Last night was a great night for TV watching but a bad night for sleeping. I watched two episodes of my guilty pleasures. So I didn’t go to sleep till after midnight but still I was awakened several times by coughing. Even with a smooth cup of coffee I still find myself having fits of hacking. Because of my allergies to grass pollen I haven’t gone to the park for the last few days. But even with central heating and air in the apartment and a new filter, I still find myself hacking away.

I had to go over to the local DMV office to change the address on my license and my wife and son’s ID cards. Even though you’re supposed to be able to do that online, it’s actually faster going to the DMV or DDS, as they call it here in Georgia. Then in the mail, I got some more paperwork from SSA dealing with my son, which confused the hell out if me. But to get a live person on the phone in now an impossibility (Thanks, President Musk). So to say it has been a challenging morning would be a vast understatement.

But such is the life of a caregiver with disabilities of their own. I’d love to write some flowery words to describe my so-called “Moocher Existence”. But as with anyone with their hands tied behind their backs and then told, “You can do it, if you work hard enough”. So I often ask, “How?” Despite all the false bravado we’ve been fed all our lives, the bottom line is just that…the bottom line.

Still I look at the world with the eyes of empathy. Having gratitude for what I have, while pitying the fools who think they don’t have enough. Life is more than just X’s and O’s, ones and zeros, or the bottom of a spread sheet. It’s about life and pursuing a purpose other than protecting yourself. We’ve suppose to have grow beyond the bases of our brain by protecting others than just ourselves. So as the last few drops of my candle melt away, I see the sun violently burn through the windows, as the words I have written burn through my anger.

Jump Start

3/19/2025

Self Portrait

With quiet resignation I sit here knowing that a week from now I’ll be laid out again on an operating table. This time to implant an ICD to shock my heart back into rhythm. This isn’t my first rodeo with having something stuck in my chest. I had a little heart monitoring unit stuck between my tits for nearly a year as part of a research study. But that little booger was removed after an experimental procedure was done. But apparently since that was done, my hearts ability to pump has diminished to the point that I need a “jump start”.

Part of me wants to ask, “Is this necessary?” While another part of me asks, “How soon can I get this done?” Then the most feared words in American medicine were uttered by my Doctor, “Once approved by your insurance, then we can do the procedure.” It’s sad in a way that ones health in the United States is mostly determined not by a patient and doctor, but by a profit-driven business bureaucracy. I guess I should thank my lucky stars that I’m considered profitable enough to get this done.

Other than the pure bureaucracy of it, it brings to mind the measure of my own worth. In other words, is this truly a necessary procedure? I mean, while I have been doing all this waiting around. I have had my episodes where my heart felt totally out of time. And there have been times where I pushed to such a point of exhaustion I could go no more. For me that is the toughest confession of all. So I’m going to trust my cardiologists and do what they think is best. The medications I have taken can do no more. So this is the next bridge to cross. And once again it’s a bridge I feel like I’m crossing alone. It’s sad to feel this way, but with my life experiences, it’s the dominating emotion I carry at the moment.

Appreciative Heart

3/17/2025

Sandra Saxon Burnsed

As someone that mostly creates my words for myself. I have no expectations that my pages will ever be known to other than to a certain few. I no longer write for the profit, but for the pure joy of writing. I assume that’s what makes my words so freeing is the fact that I don’t give a damn. Still it catches me by surprise when I got a message from someone that asked, “Would love to know about your writing process. You are very productive”. Obviously, I was flattered. Then I kinda had to laugh to myself at the mechanics of it. Because it was almost like they believe there is some secret process to writing so much.

The simple response I gave to them was time and freedom. You see, I’ve been writing since I was a kid. Creating stories and writing poems from a very young age. But as I became an adult and especially a husband and a parent, I put away such “trivial” things for more “practical pursuits”. But when I had my “mental breakdown” I was urged to write again. This happened intermittently for the next decade or two. But due to the effects of certain medications I was taking, my words were more mechanical then freeing. This working out fine in my chosen trade of Systems Analysis. But it did little to free my soul.

That was till around ten years ago when my physical health began to deteriorate and then there was a change in medication and life’s priorities. No longer was I mostly obsessed with dying and worrying about life’s obligations. Over time I became free of those shackles of fear, which in turn gave my words the freedom to flow. So there’s my 10 second answer to a 30 minute question. Without the burden of fear or expectation the words just flow. They may not all be the words you need, but they flow from a glad and appreciative heart.

Best One I Got

3/14/2025

FD Thornton

It’s my favorite time of the year, it’s pollen season! I went to fill up the Kia at the gas station this morning. Then I stopped at the $1.25 Store (because I’m cheap) for a few things. I thought about going out to the park, but I noticed I was getting a little lightheaded, so instead I headed back home. Sitting here at the desktop I took a moment to send a rather vulgar text to a friend, then I helped my son hang up some curtains. It may not sound like much of a life, but at the moment it’s the best one I got.

For the last 26 years I have been working through my mental health issues. Then for the past 10 years physical health issues as well. Even now with a sinus headache, I appreciate the aggravation far more than those moments I spent laying in my bed in the fetal position. Much bigger than just a little blip on the radar of my life. Chronic Depression, Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder; ruled my world. Add to that obesity, chain smoking, diabetes, and chronic heart failure; and it’s a wonder I’m still alive. The difference between me and my late younger parents is, I didn’t spend the past 26 years ignoring my symptoms. Instead I took a proactive approach to do better.

Through medication, therapy, and a whole lot of mindfulness meditation; I’ve made it through these past decades more aware and more compassionate. Now, I ain’t going to sprinkle fairy dust over your head and say it’s been easy. Hell, I’ve fallen off the wagon more times than I can count. What I’m trying to say is more than anything else, is that I’ve taught myself to be compassionate and empathetic towards everyone, especially myself. Once I learned to forgive myself, I began to find the peace and contentment I so desperately wanted. Listen, life ain’t all about “Taste the Rainbow” or “My Little Ponies”. It’s about survival, growth, and living your truth. We all want to be happy; we all want to be content. So fight for yourself and the rest will come.

Closed Windows

3/13/2025

Despite the fact that I only got five hours of sleep last night, I feel surprisingly good. This time change is still messing with me, looking down at the clock I see it’s already 10:30 in the morning. I find myself wanting to go to sleep before the sun goes down, while my wife seems to be unaffected by it all. With a slight tickle in my throat I know that it’s that time of the year I dread…pollen season. Even though it’s bright and sunny outside I can literally smell the grass pollen through the closed windows. Still with the slightest headache forming around my temples, I meander through this writing gig with all the professionalism I can muster.

I think back again to that card my grandparents had taped to the cash register at their mom and pop store so may years ago. It read, “I had no shoes and complained, till I met a man with no feet”. Lord knows why the simple statement has stuck with me all these decades, but it has. Like a profound proverb from a holy book I suppose it was there to remind me to be grateful for with I have.

For some reason the government has decided to screw around with my pension these past few months. Their reasons for this are all quite logical to them, but much like anything pertaining to rules and laws. There’s no leeway for mercy or empathy…unless your connected. So I guess with this stewing around in my head the past few days. A little corner of my brain brought those words back to mind. That while I may be upset and angry at the situation, it doesn’t hurt to remember that there’s always someone out there in worse shape. So don’t let your mind dwell on anger. Like Yoda said, “it only leads to pain and suffering”. So fight if you must, but don’t allow your thoughts to close the window to joy. Instead, maybe crack the window open a little and let some sunshine in.

You Know What

3/12/2025

FD Thornton

I could tell from the start this morning it was going to be a much better day. For one the sun is out, after two miserable days of rain and cold. And second, I actually slept well last night with only having to get up a few times to do, well you know what. Once I got up and dressed, I set up my wife’s prescriptions in her daily pill boxes, then I headed to the park.

As promised it was a bright but crisp morning. I headed down the trail taking notice of all the fresh deer tracks on the ground. While snapping a few pics I heard some rustling in the nearby brush. It was a deer with her bright shiny tail puffed out in full display heading down the trail letting everyone else know I was there. I stood there for a moment to see if I catch any others. But other than a little snorting I didn’t hear or see any more. So I continued my walk as much as I could and then headed back to the Kia. I then headed over to the lake. The lake appears to be rising back up to its water normal level. Feeling able I headed over to the fishing pier. But I didn’t stay long since there isn’t anywhere to sit and rest. So after a few minutes of taking pictures, I limped my tired ass back to the Kia.

Sitting back in my office looking over the images I had taken. I have the windows open so I can see the fence line outside. In the living room I can hear my wife she watches “Murder She Wrote”, while our son’s in his room watching “The Price Is Right”. Looking up at the fan spinning overhead, I’m reminded of all we have to do. Realizing that we all need something to distracts us from the realities of life. For me it’s walking alone in quiet meditation; apparently for my wife and son it’s bickering back and forth to see who can be the loudest. By far the world ain’t perfect, but if we try, we may be able to carve ourselves out a little peace. Till then let’s all take a deep breath and try not to give in to the you know what.

A Little Uniformity

3/10/2025

FD Thornton

I dreamed that I was the President last night, I won’t say I solved any of the country’s problems. But I did approach the office with the civility and grace it deserves. After a crappy afternoon of two power outages and plenty of stormy weather. I only slept till 3:30 in the morning, only to find myself pretending to sleep the rest of the night. I do my damnedest not to watch the news; but social media got the best of me, so I fell asleep listening to a political podcast. They were complaining about the left, and the right, and everything else in between, I suppose only to cover all the bases for their sponsors.

But I’ve finished taking my medicine for the morning (all sixteen of them) saving another thirteen for later. Looking out the double windows in my office, I see nothing but grey cloudy skies and thread bare pecan trees. I’m still trying to figure out if it’s going to be hot or cold the rest of the day, but I decided to leave my comfort up to fate. Living with central heat and air I’m still getting used to the imprisoned life of shut doors and closed windows. But at least the hedges along the fence line are trimmed giving my prison a little uniformity.

Often life comes at you with little to no meaning. You wake up, you get dressed, and you go about your day. There are no meaningful connections made, no extraordinary revelations revealed, or even a mild pat on the back. You just live to make it through another day. I’ve sat through a many a seminars where they get you so hyped on Red Bull and glazed donuts; only to still crash and burn after having a thousand doors slammed in your face. I don’t mean to be so cynical about hype and positive affirmations. But I’ve discovered one quiet walk through the park is worth a lot more than any expensive fire walk with Mr. Robbins. So take a moment and reflect on your life, forgive yourself of your shortcomings, and create a little uniformity.

Ebenezer's Dream

3/8/2025

FD Thornton

Rather it was the voice of fear or that uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. I woke up suddenly in the middle of the night paralyzed with fear. I don’t know exactly what it was that shocked me awake. But whatever it was it’s got my heart beating a hundred miles a minute. I wasn’t breathing rapidly but I still pulled off my CPAP mask to take slow deep breaths to get my heart to calm down. It was then that I noticed my belly was making a lot of uncomfortable noises. So the working theory is now that I was awakened much like Ebenezer by a bad piece of meat.

Now that I’ve been able to calm down, I wish nothing more than to go back to bed. But the creative juices have already been stirred. So I’m forced to finish this thought and analyze these shards of panic just as I have done so many times before. But as I jot down these lines, the unwanted adrenaline rush turns to pure exhaustion. Like an overzealous prize fighter going down hard on the mat. So I take a few moments to rest while my bride quietly sleeps. Putting on that uncomfortable mask and impatiently go back to bed.

I awoke the next day a bit disoriented thinking that the day was Sunday. Even going as far as calling my father-in-law and wishing him a Good Sunday Morning. Only to have an 83 year old man remind me it was Saturday. So I got up and slashed some water on my face leaving my bed unmade. Only to end up in this office finishing up these damn thoughts from last night. After all the professional and self-analysis I’ve have or had performed over the years. Some things are just best left a mystery. Often there is no need to over analyze your life. It’s just best to leave life to chance, by accepting yourself as you are and appreciating what you have.