Blog Archives

My Little Adventure

4/23/2025

For the last couple of weeks I’ve gotten myself into the routine of working at my desktop from 8am till I get hungry. Then I have lunch, watch my soaps, and then take a nap. Then I get up and check my emails and social media, then go back to my desktop and work till around 7pm. The main reason is to occupy my mind while I am on restriction due to my recent surgery. But I do miss the outside, but my doctor wants me to take it easy while I heal up. So considering I have to do all the driving, it’s best I just take it easy till my next checkup in a few weeks.

Surprisingly enough my left arm and shoulder are my biggest discomfort. I was told the implant wouldn’t be that obvious after a few weeks, but it still feels like a funky weight to me. I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m left handed is what makes it so damn uncomfortable. Other than that I feel fine, I don’t seem to be having as many A Fib issues, but I have been having the most vivid dreams of late. I’ve also had complete bloodwork done by my nephrologist and my hematologist, with both results coming back in my normal range.

But like I said, I’m occupying my mind by working on my next book of stories. But this time I want to edit them with clearer commentary to add to the reading experience. Pulling stories and poems from the past year has been an interesting experience. I guess because of their recent occurrence some of them still strike a nerve with me. But considering how stressful the last six months have been, I shouldn’t be surprised. I hope that since I’m still close to certain trauma, that it doesn’t cause any blow back to the relative clarity I’ve recently been feeling. So stay tuned and let’s see where this little adventure takes us.

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Relief

4/15/2025

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It was a relief when I pull off my CPAP mask in this morning. That first breath of cool fresh air is a welcome sign that I made it through the night. Last night was a wave of in and out consciousness, between a book I am listening to, and the disturbing dreams of reality. The book which is not entirely fiction is an overview of what a “utopian society” we could have if we only tried. The dreams were of a reality we often find ourselves obsessed with, the cult-like religious followings where women and girls are treated like property.

I’m sure the dream came from a video I saw on social media last night. Where religious fundamentalist were dancing in heated fervor to the calling of the end of this world and the domination of a new earth. While the book itself I listened to while I slept. Spouting out facts about the breakthroughs that have been made and the shortcomings that hold them back. Each hoping that someday all their desires and dreams will come true. But all I could do was wonder, “Who’s dreams are they talking about?” Certainly not those of the poor and the weak.

I live in a world where I’m conveniently kept in a box. Considered worthless by world standards, I’m now unproductive and used up. My only convenience is the fact that I care for other unproductives. Forgive me if I cannot carry any utopian view of the near future. When all I see is hope turned into selfishness time and time again. It seems no matter how we see the errors of the past, we are apparently doomed to repeat them, with bigger and better results. I really don’t want to give up hope, but until a few more of us will say, “No!”. I just don’t see any relief.

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Not Much More

4/11/2025

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FD Thornton

It’s a little cool out here in the picnic area of the park. There’s a few random campers power walking around with a few squirrels and not much else. I’m feeling tired today, so I decided to rest my bones instead of taking a trail hike. I guess I’m still coming down from my stressful appointment with SSA yesterday. Loaded with my usual files of paperwork trying to fight the “Alphas” out there doing their DOGEy best to slash and burn for God (Musk) and Country (Musk).

But enough about politics, this afternoon I had the tape strips removed over my newly installed defibrillator. While nobody seems to be sure if it’s actually working right, it has my health anxiety a little ramped up just wanting a little assurance. But Nurse Ratchet told me I should find out with my next appointment in June. I’m a little disappointed with myself over worrying about things I really have no control over. I’m also disappointed with myself for allowing the 24/7 news cycles to get to me again. No matter if you lean to the right or to the left, they all love to pump you full of fear. Just to keep you watching and to buy the crap they’re selling for the sponsors.

But for the first time in a while I was able to sit in the park, listening the sound of distant birds and the occasional squirrel. While off in the distance I can hear the sound of commerce rolling down US 441. Quietly facing the sun the Spanish moss hung lazily over the live oak trees. I thought about home and the decades I rode down that long dirt road to the river. Just to sit on the sand hill listening to nothing but the river roll by, talking bullshit with my friends and picking out a matinee to see at the movies. I remember sitting in the park earlier listening to the ping of an aluminum bat, as a Dad was hitting pop flies to his kids in a field. It was there I thought about nothing, nothing but breathing in the moment and not much more.

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I Know She Is

4/8/2025

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I took a pretty good nap this afternoon. I went to my optometrist office earlier today to have my eyes checked for the second time in six weeks for diabetic retinopathy. He said the scans show damage but not any worse than the last scan. So he scheduled me for another visit in a year. With my sinuses ablaze and my pupils dilated, I carefully drove back home.

Me and my bribe usually take turns fixing supper and tonight happens to be her turn. Usually on nights she cooks we keep it simple. With her disability as it is, she tends to forget what it is she’s doing. So I often have to step in to remind her to do things and pay attention. It’s a bit of a tedious process, and I have given in to moments of anger and frustration. But after 37 years we’ve pretty much got it down to a pseudoscience. Where I give her three simple instructions at a time, because as our children so well know, anything more than three gets forgotten.

Over the decades I’ve kept fairly quiet about my bride’s specific disabilities mostly because they aren’t well defined. Decades ago she was simply labelled brain damaged or slow. But after decades of living intimately with her she has shown me talents and abilities beyond those simple cruel labels. She successfully raised four children that have all grown beyond her and even my own abilities.

She effectively keeps up with dates and birth dates I don’t even pay attention to. And while she has shortcomings which are easy to spot even to the casual eye. She has friends and grandchildren that think the world of her. So while I sit here in the office two finger typing at this keyboard like I’m some kind of glorified Mark Twain or evil Lewis Grizzard. I carefully keep an ear out for any unusual noises beyond the wall. Giving her at least the dignity to be the woman I know she is.

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Guerilla Medicine

4/7/2025

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FD Thornton

I am literally forcing myself to write this, an embarrassing injury last night has forced me into a debate about rather to have a small but troublesome wound checked by a doctor. Normally this wouldn’t be a debate given my cozy relationship with my doctors. But with a little guerilla medicine I think I have the problem under control. So don’t worry, by the time I wrote this story, the voodoo remedy seems to have worked.

Given the stress we have all faced over the past few years with Covid and the current uncertain political situation that has followed. You’d think we’d be allowed to catch a break by now. But with the 24/7 news/opinion cycle spinning on quick rinse. Even my little situation seems tame compared to the never-ending pearl clutching the rest of the world is doing. Even closed off from the rest of the world in my little office; it’s difficult for me not to focus on the things that play out around me. So when facing my little problem, there were no protest or firebombs going off. Just a quiet resolution to get the problem solved.

I guess the point I’m trying to make here is, think of yourself honestly. Know what your limits are. You won’t always have the solution, but you certainly don’t want to exacerbate the problem. Just like with my little accident, I can calmly look at the situation, examine it, weigh my options, then take care of the situation. Unfortunately in my situation I was alone in what I could do. My two housemates are basically under my care, so the only person I can truly depend on is myself. This has served me well for the most part with the exception of a few ambulance rides and more than a few ER visits. I guess the thing is don’t panic, you got this. So with a calm determination and a willingness to accept help, you will make it as well.

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Why Fight It?

4/4/2025

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FD Thornton

I really thought I had slept much longer than I did, but it is barely 4 in the morning. I woke up with a shout because I really had to go to the bathroom, plus I have a sneaking suspicion that my heart or my belly were playing with me as well. So after relieving myself I said, “Why fight It?” So I pulled off all my equipment for sleeping and started jotting down these lines.

The words, “I’ll be your Huckleberry”, keep repeating through my head. As I dive knee deep into what’s troubling me. Trying to free my mind of all these cluttered thoughts that seem to plague us all. I listen to people way smarter than me trying to break down and analyze everything that’s been going on. But sometimes it’s nothing more than a bully simply wanting to break things. And break things they do, causing panic and fear in everyone, much to their enjoyment.

I guess I could retreat to some made up father figure that’s more authoritarian than most, to wipe away my tears. But wouldn’t that be just like giving up the ghost to the bullies that enjoy torturing my soul? In the shape that I am currently in, there’s not much strength left in me. But as I use the tools I’ve been given to fight… fight I must. At the moment I’m pulled away from nature relying on uncomfortable manmade wisdom hoping for the best. But in reality all I really need is a little sun on my face and a gentle wind blowing at my back. To remind me that “this too shall pass” and that through quiet contemplation all will be brought to the light.

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Middle Finger

4/3/2025

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“It’s easy to judge when you’re not the one being judged.” I remember sitting in one of my early business school courses I attended online. You see, after earning my bachelor’s degree in business systems analysis, I eagerly wanted to continued my education with an MBA specializing in BSA. But in that class I was told people are a commodity no different than any commodity needed to operate a successful business. That statement threw me for a loop, forever changing my prospective of how I planned on running my business.

I knew than I should have quit the course and stopped my pursuit of an advanced degree. But I stayed the course pushing through all the courses and business theories that I didn’t understand and questioned for the whole two years of my study. I took on the stress of building my business full-time and raising a family. All while living an unhealthy lifestyle of overeating and chain smoking just to cope. All this came to a head when struggling through my Capstone Exams. Pushing myself through my last marathon exam all while suffering tremendous chest pain that I would later discover was my first heart attack.

That was in 2015, ten years ago. And despite my best efforts to the contrary, I survived. With the world still believing we are all nothing more than just pawns on a chessboard to be discarded on a whim. Now disabled I am living on my limited retirement income much earlier than I had planned. Unable to walk the length of a short hiking trail, much less hold a stressful fulltime job due to the effects of my heart damage. Still over the last few months I’m being looked at again as nothing more than a commodity, along with my long disabled wife and son. “It’s easy to judge when you’re not the one being judged.” How easy it is to place the blame on a forgotten few, when the blame should be placed on the greed, paranoia, and selfishness we all often carry. So despite my compassion, I raise a respectful middle finger to all those that actually feel this is the way to live.

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