 Even with the hum of the EMC landscaper going, I decided to come outside. I’ve never seen a crew take so long to cut such a little patch of grass. I mean Mr. Brown cuts my lawn in half the time with twice as much grass. Oddly enough the wind is blowing out of the southeast this morning while I sit under the shade of the sycamore tree. The ground is still quite saturated from all the rain we got yesterday. But the pay off is my lawn has never looked greener.
While the leaf blowers add to my already pounding head. I wait patiently for a spark of inspiration to come. But all I can think about is a dream I had last night. It involved seeing an innocent animal slowly die and making the decision to end its life mercifully. It was a hard dream to have to wake from, and it gave me pause as to what it truly meant. But considering the stress I have been suppressing lately, I’m sure its true meaning will come to mind soon enough. Well it seems I’ve hit the jackpot today, for just as one lawn crew finishes, yet another crew starts mowing another lawn. But hopefully once they’re finished, I’ll be rewarded with the sweet smell of fresh cut grass. But isn’t that how life often works sometimes. We bear the burdens of life’s trials and tribulations, with no apparent end in sight. But if we remain patient and consistently work through our troubles. Eventually we’ll be rewarded with the slightest scent of the peace we so desire.
0 Comments
 Woke up with a shout this morning, having to go to the bathroom. So I ended up getting up much earlier than I had intended. So I went ahead and took my meds, made up the bed, and called my father-in-law just as I do every Sunday. The art of conversation isn’t lost on me and despite my relative isolation I still enjoy a good chatting with friends and family. Fortunately for me, my father-in-law is old school, so our conversations can range from the heated to the sentimental about anything from politics to our grandkids.
After our goodbyes I promptly left my desk and laid back down. Through the window I could see how pretty it was outside. But considering the time of the year, I know going outside would only get toted away by the gnats and the humidity. So I decided to hide in my room. Now as far as carrying on a conversation with my adult children or any younger person for that matter. Conversations usually take a back seat to a quick text or reminders on a calendar. Now I’ll admit I’m not a very outwardly affectionate and my family will be the first to tell you. In exchange they’re not always super affectionate when it comes me. That is a hard earned family trait handed down generation to generation. Still we tolerate each other despite our apparent flaws. But that’s just the way our family displays affection, through action instead of words. Which sounds a bit ironic considering the words I write. So as I carry on text conversations with family and followers. There is this still a bit of that old armor I still wear when I speak face to face. I guess despite my best efforts to open myself up, I still need a wall to hide behind. Still as time passes, and my moments in isolation continue to tick away. I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin, with both my strengths and weaknesses. Seeking redemption for the mistakes is a noble pursuit. Especially when it comes to family and the relationships you keep. By much like the conversations between me and my father-in-law. Not everything is going to be comfortable, but that doesn’t mean it has to stop.  It’s late in the afternoon and I’m sitting beneath the fig bush in the backyard. With every sand gnats in a four county area buzzing around my head. Mr. Brown cut the grass a few days ago, but I haven’t been able to go outside to enjoy it due to the humidity and my ever present gut issues. But after a few days of toilet hugging and sleeping in a pools of sweat, it’s looking like it might rain. Which means for a few moments they’ll be a little shade and lots of wind blowing.
Fortunately this has been one of my wife’s good weeks. She’s definitely picked up where I have left off by washing clothes, cooking meals, and cleaning house. All while I’ve been knotted up in the bed with my own brand of pain. I’m hoping this most recent attack will leave by the weekend, but it’s the last of the month so it really don’t matter anyway. Still even in my moment of discomfort there’s a nice steady wind blowing. While down the highway I can see my neighbors heading home to enjoy the three day holiday. I guess more than anything this is an observation of how it is in the rural south. With not much going on and other than a lot of folks leaving their big town jobs in Vidalia and Dublin for their little pieces of home here in Wheeler County. I no longer count myself amongst them now. I’m just one of the many broken Americans that give the best parts of themselves to crave out a little bit of the dream. But I guess I flew too close to the sun and my wings just melted away. I guess this is a little too mellow dramatic for the enlightened folk out there. But it’s not far off from the anger common folk often feel. Where the promises of relief blow in on the wind. Only to take out what little of the dream is left. But I must admit the rain sure smells sweet when it’s fallen.  Just in Case
I fixed what I think was a really nice dinner last night, My wife and sons enjoyed it so much they’re having leftovers for lunch today. Unfortunately since midnight everything I’ve ate up to now and including some buttons I swallowed as a kid, has exited my body. As gross as that sounds, it is an issue I’ve lived with the a number of years. Liver damage and a missing gall bladder are mostly to blame. But I am prepared if this little problem ever flares up and I have my gastroenterologist on speed dial just in case. But as with most things, this too shall pass, and I just have to manage it till then. I blame most of my physical failures on myself, with a few inherited genetic issues mixed in. But at its core, most all of my physical problems can be traced back to the stress and anxiety I’ve lived with over the decades. But I don’t consider all mental problems a detriment to my well-being. In fact some of my internal fears are probably the reason I’m still here today. You see without having health anxiety, many of my physical conditions may have not been discovered. I suppose the moral of this little tale is this, not all mental or physical issues are a death sentence. They simply require your added attention and care. So don’t let a mental or physical disability limit the things you can do. I mean as I lay here with a heating pad across my belly. I recognize the cause of this and I’m doing something about it. But while I am dealing with it, I am also handling phone calls, replying to messages, and even sending messages of encouragement and power. All while I’m writing this little story. Never let disadvantage take away your gifts.  After nearly a week of being stuck in the house, it finally decided to stop raining. Still I waited a couple of days before heading outside. But the ground is still saturated from all the rain so my slippers are literally wet from the moisture. But I have been using my time wisely while it rained, by doing rewrites for my upcoming book. It’s funny after nearly a week of rewriting, I’ve decided to spend my time writing yet another story.
Between the soft breeze and the bright sun, I hear birds cry in the distance. Each call is distinct, yet following a certain cadence, if you pay attention. Along my arms the familiar blood bruises begin to form, a sure sign summer is approaching. Along with the bruises I noticed the hair on my arms is turning grey another sure sign Medicare Advantage will be calling soon. But I lived beyond my fear of making it past age 59, so I guess my anxiety needs to find something new to fear. A few little cotton ball clouds have decided to blow by. While the usual suspects drive by heading down to the courthouse. I for one am just appreciating the birds and clouds, and even the traffic. Because it lets me know anything’s going according to plan. For no matter the situation or the amount of rain. Eventually peace and calm return and creative free thought will center our otherwise cluttered minds. So take this for what it’s worth for it's yet another story.  As the wind blows, the clouds roll up and I’m left with damp laundry hanging under a canopy of mist. The was sun shining when I pulled the clothes in the washer. But here in the South that usually don’t mean a damn thing. Being a slave to the elements is nothing new. Here in rural farm country we pray for the weather to cooperate. Only to be outdone by the whims of nature. As humans we like to think we can outsmart nature. But eventually most of our innovations end up making things worse instead of better.
The same holds true for how we treat ourselves. Scurrying about thinking we are superior in our beliefs and traditions. Never giving a thought to how demeaning they make others feel. Fooling ourselves with the delusion that we are somehow supreme. How humbling it is when life us shows us the right way. I suppose I could speak up and call out the hypocrisy. But I’d only be wasting my breath. Because an addicted soul never finds salvation unless they seek it themselves. But now that the clothes are hung out, all I can do is wait on the elements. Right now, old Buffy is laying down asleep on my belly while I type away these words no one really reads. But that’s okay, my conscience is clear. I’ve said all I can really ever say. Getting along with nature, ourselves, and other people is a noble endeavor. But often we allow the voices of paranoia to ignite our primal fears. And although we were given the gift conscious thought, we often hide it in dark spaces. Covered in blankets of hatred and mistrust, allowing us to become what we’ve become, outdone by our own fear.  Pulled once again from a deep sleep. The house is quiet while my wife sleeps peacefully beside me. So here I am alone with thoughts that are not so much troubling as they are familiar. Sometimes subjects swirl through my head like distance storms on the horizon. So tonight isn’t much different than any other time before. It’s just that it’s been a while since this has happened. So as I usually do I pull out my phone bring up my Word 365 app and type away.
Stirring through the fog that makes up my memories, I gain comfort from the knowledge that all humans have some common ground. As an observer of human nature I also see the pull of tribal tendencies which we all have. I think about my neighbors and the wounds they carry. The festering fears that cloud their minds. The fight or flight tendencies that form their anger and hate. Even I am not immune to these thoughts and prejudices. For we all have a part of us that longs to be safe. Outside influences often create the fear we feel. The news, rumors, and now social media brings the fear of death and destruction to our front doors. For centuries we could minimize it through the limited forms information we received. But in this modern world we are inundated with the news of a fallen world all for the sake of ratings and ad dollars. Honestly many of these fears are real. So even in the quiet of most everyone’s night, there are fearful dreams we relive again and again. Fear was one of the first things that attacked my mind some 23 years ago. It was a crippling problem that I learned to hide well. But the silence took its toll on my body. Leaving me in the physical condition that I am in today. But I’ve learned to live with it, through mindfulness practice and soul searching meditation. I now have a greater understanding of my fears. Recently using complete candor, especially in my writing, I have opened me up to an even freer focus of myself. Learning to stop hiding behind a mask of stoic discipline. I’ve freed myself of the chains of pride, fear, and indifference. So as I look into the clouds of fear and anger all I can see is a world tearing itself apart. I could easily be one of the many that scream for destruction and revolution, but I am not. I am simply one that walks a path of introspection and hope. A hope that one day through all this chaos we’ll all learn to clear our thoughts. To move beyond the instinct of fight or flight and build a world of collected understanding.  Looking up from where I’m sitting I see the leaves dancing between the fig bush and the sycamore tree. To my right I’m catching the smell of freshly hung laundry while behind me the birds are chit chatting away. I know it’s still spring but summer is making it’s presence know with the humidity I felt last night causing the whole night to be sticky. But today the weatherman promised it would be hot and so far he’s pretty spot on. Still with a quiet breeze blowing from the southeast, I’m enjoying the scenery while I can.
The only thing I got going on is that I’ve restarted my next book project. I’m hoping to make this one a little different. Instead of just cutting and pasting past stories and poetry. I’m breathing new life into many stories by revising them with what I hope are refreshed out comes. I’m doing the same with some of the poetry as well. All and all I’m wanting to create a more readable and cohesive work. But at the moment I’m taking a break watching the high clouds passing, while listening to the busy world pass me by. I wish each one of you a few peaceful moments. I know life is hard and it doesn’t appear to be getting any easier. I’m sorry you have to experience this, but through mindfulness, cleansing breathes, or some good old fashion prayer. You can experience the freedom of a peaceful existence. I didn’t say life will get any easier, but through awareness and self-examination you can cultivate a spirit of tolerance and love.  My tea jug gives off a golden hue this morning as the sun quietly peeks through the clouds. Everybody and their grandma seems to be riding down the street with a semi blowing their horns at the EMC building. I’m out here trying to catch a moment of cool, while I wait for the second load of laundry to finish. It’s only 10 o'clock and I’ve already got the bed made, cleaned the kitchen, put my wife’s medications up for the week, and now working on my second load of clothes. I wish I could give you much more exciting updates on my day. But being a disabled, retired caregiver has its limits.
Anyway, the gnats are at a minimum at the moment with a steady breeze blowing from the east. We’ve been promised rain for the last several days, but as usual nothing has come of it. After yesterday’s story “Blue Izod”, I must admit my mind has felt so much freer in that a lot of the guilt I carried around has lightened considerably. When thinking about regret and the guilt we all carry. It’s nice to know that through self-examination and forgiveness, one can free up the chains that bend them. Rather through a commitment to salvation or mindfulness training, when you are sincere not to just some “jailhouse religion”. Eventually you will find the peace you are seeking. Through negative talk coming from both myself and others, I formed an opinion that I was never good enough. The word I was trying to describe yesterday was “imposter syndrome”. Whereby I’ve never been able to accept the praise or accolades for a job well done. So I sit in my own brand of bravado all the while cringing at any praise. But through the practice of self-examination, forgiveness, and awareness; I allow myself to peer into a glass darkly, and face my fears. The point of this conversation isn’t to tell you that my way is the only way. Nor is it to sell your on some 12 point plan. All I’m trying to say is, I understand pain and I understand guilt. So here are some ideas that might help.  After spending half the morning riding through four counties, one imagining center, two procedures, one pharmacy, and approximately 75 miles of driving; I’ve made it back home. To say the least I am not fit for human consumption right now. Unfortunately it was my wife who took the brunt of my frustration, while out and about. But honestly the whole thing wasn’t that bad. The two procedures were quick and noninvasive, while the travelling was a little confusing, but we got where we were going with no cell signal or GPS.
Still I’m back here under the shade with a lively warm breeze a blowing. I still got on my pretty go-to-town clothes consisting of a blue Izod and boating shots with my deck shoes. Sadly trying to impersonate someone who a nice bank account or good credit. It’s not hard to act or pretend to be something you are not. I mean in the various lines of work I have done, it’s practically a necessity. Still the more real the world has become, the more difficult it has come to me to throw on those mask. Oh, I mean I can still pull out the light southern chit chat when I have too. But more and more I feel like a fraud when doing it. Now my wife, she puts on no airs when it comes to who she is. As some of you may know my wife faces a great many disadvantages. But she does it with grace and sincerity that I have no equal. In fact sitting out here now I know I have some apologizing to do. Not to any of the nurses, technicians, or pharmacy techs I spoke to today. But to my wife who forgot to bring her cane, forgot to have me check her blood pressure, and certainly didn’t need to hear my foul attitude. So to all of us wishing to embrace a far less stressful existence. Don’t forget to search your soul and sweep around your own porch first. |
All post written by
FD Thornton, Jr Copyrighted. All Rights Reserved. Archives
January 2026
|
RSS Feed