Blog Archives - TRUTH-LIES...with FD Thornton

The Zen of Laundry

6/28/2024

After a myriad of delays from washing sheets to taking my meds, I finally have time to stop and work on a story. But by the time I actually got to sit down, the inspiration I had earlier was all but gone. Now this news isn’t anything new for those of us that dip our toes into our creative impulses. Obligations and chores are just a part of life. Still for me it is quite aggravating to be dragged away from something I enjoy doing. You figure I’d be used to this by now considering my caregiving responsibilities. My empathic impulses would say to practice patience and servitude with a joyful heart. But my selfish ego/pleasure-driven side just wants to do what it wants to do.

My religious upbringing would obviously tell me to have the heart of a servant. To live with the contentment to do what I was called to do. To put away those selfish passions that for me cry out to create. For most all my life this was a consistent paradox, a fight most believers of faith are taught is simply a fight of good and evil. At least that’s the message I was taught. That whatever deity you were taught to worship takes precedence over everything else. In my case that precedence means, “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one”. But who knows, maybe I’m just typing out my frustrations, attacking windmills as they appear.

I guess all my Zen lessons were right, that all things must be done in balance. That tipping the scale from one extreme to the other usually causes nothing but pain and loss. Causing you to lose sight of whatever it is that brings contentment and awareness. These little vignettes I write are my way of venting the frustration and fear that I feel every day. To wallow in self-pity and victimization only creates anger and mistrust. As I smell the faint hint of laundry detergent on my hands. I’m reminded that everything needs a little freshening up. When frustrated with how life is turning out. Step back for a moment, be aware of the emotions you are feeling. Give them a voice and embrace them. Because all your feelings are valid and deserve a chance to have their say.

Blue World

6/24/2024

Again the sunlight and wind creates a rippling effect across the backyard lawn. While the noises of this small town bleed through the wind. I dream in the colors of green as a freightliner passes on the highway. The engines soft roar reminding everyone of the importance of earning money. Banned to poverty I once looked at things like a beautiful home and cash on hand with envy. Now I simply count my blessings while the laundry dries in the breeze.

I look through the sunlit leaves and see the veins of life shine through. Much like the veins that peek through my skin, creating the map of life that flows through me. Flowing in and flowing out, my heart pumps blood at a comfortable rate as I sit under the shade. I can’t help but feel connected to the leaves, the sun, and the wind. All moving forward despite our resistance to change. Just like the bathroom mirror reminds me every day.

But I don’t feel upset or very envious of the vitality of younger generations. Watching my kids mature into middle age, while my grandkids grow even more inquisitive. Asking the questions my children once asked me. Time has a funny way of creating reflection, if we use it wisely. As I take a brief respite from my daily chores. The sunlight continues to play along the grass. Doing it’s job of creating and growing life in harmony with the rest of this blue world.

Comfort My Soul

6/23/2024

The leaves waving in the breeze cause the sunlight to shimmer along on the grass, like a great ocean of green. Resting after running my morning errands, I do my best to rest my mind of it's troubles. But the warmth of this summer solstice brings to mind many things I miss. Like the smell of the salty ocean air. Or the humid moist smell of the river on a hot summer morning.

So I work to pace my anxiousness with the promise of better days. But the bitterness that runs its endless course. Is finally pulling at the last stings of courtesy we have. But here I am again falling down a rabbit hole for which there is no answer. Raised under a doctrine of loyalty and duty. We perish under the weight of the words we learned from the beginning. Taking what little we were given, abandoning the truth we know so well.

In front of me a female bluejay lights to the ground. Focused on hunting and gathering for her young family. While not paying attention the whimsical musings of a broken old man. She probes through the freshly cut grass the gather what is necessary for the survival of her own. Not carried away by the “what-ifs” or the “could-have-beens” that surround us. So as the clouds erase the simmering waves of light from the lawn. I’m reminded that our troubles will pass. And that once again it will be your words and your beauty that comfort my soul.

Decent Shade

6/21/2024

I’ve spent the first twenty minutes of my sit down time outside moving my damn chair around, trying to find some decent shade. I’d move from one side of the yard to the other. But the glare of the sun either blocked my screen or burned the back of my neck. With the sun constantly moving and the wind turning the leaves, it becomes a game of cat and mouse when it comes to finding the perfect shade. But I think we’ve finally reached a happy compromise, with the sun peeking through as a strong breeze blows.

Sitting here with a bit of a headache, I’m sure it’s just my body fussing about being hungry. But I’m about an hour away from lunch so I’m doing my best to put those thoughts aside. It’s a habit I developed when I started working heavy construction. When you often had no choice but to stay on the job until it was done. Even when I got my degree and switched over to a desk job. I still kept that habit. Often letting my food get cold on my desk before I finally stopped to eat it. I assume many would call that a sign dedication or fortitude. But looking back I’m now torn between calling it a strength or just plain stupidity.

After moving my chair again for the tenth time. I’m beginning to wonder if this even has anything to do with the shade. Mainly because my chair is now right back where it started. Often not being satisfied is just that…not being satisfied. The hours of taking precise measurements, the seamless tweaking of a problem on the screen, or moving this damn chair around. Maybe some things are not worth the aggravation and it’s time to just pull back and give your mind a rest. Then later on look problem with fresh eyes. You’ll often discover you were happy with the way things were in the first place.

Forever Forming

6/18/2024

With a steady breeze blowing off the coast, I once again sit with my 180° view of the world. A lone gnat crawls along the fingers of my left hand, while the remnants of a well established headache stretch out along my forehead. With a mix of cloud and sun, I sit outside after a quick trip to town for some tests to make sure I’m still kicking. I wish I didn’t have to make such a big deal about my health. But considering my checkered past with staying healthy, I should consider it a privilege speaking at all.

While nowhere as cool as my air conditioner the outdoors offers a bit of a respite from the noise of the TV and the phone. The irony isn’t lost on me that I’m using my phone to type these words. Still there’s a vast difference between the art you create and the trash you consume. But enough about that, let me appreciate the various shades of green I see through the leaves on the trees. As the wind quietly sings it’s song of violence and calm.

As a good friend once said, art is really the interpretation of what the viewer sees or hears. To take from it what they will. For I am only sitting out here an open vessel. Taking in what my damaged eyes can see. For life is what we make of it, rather you’re a planner or a dreamer. Creating what you can, for the creativity of man is fleeting. But the divine elements of nature are forever forming.

Sacred Ground

6/17/2024

Row by row, I pull the caps off each container and place one pill on either my mouse pad or in one of three other containers. It’s my daily ritual each and every morning when I get up. It’s a ritual I have followed for the last 25 years. In one form or another, rather a single pill or the 16 different pills I now take multiple times a day. Other than making up my bed and checking my blood sugar, it’s all part of a synchronized dance I perform every day. The how, what, and why of each pill is important for knowing what they are doing and how they are affecting me.

Of course with any chemical benefit there are trade-offs, the long-term effects. Like damage to my internal organs. I find it funny how some of my “specialists” are puzzled by the damage to some of my organs. Giving me all kinds of hypotheses as to why. When common sense would tell you, “It’s the chemicals, stupid”. But I just follow along realizing that the ten minutes of their time they give me every three to six months is all I got. But as with all things, my survival is all up to me. Until I finally get to that stage where I don’t remember where the bathroom is, it's all up to me.

So I’m left here staring at this page focused on the apparent misery that I’m probably putting all you through. But it’s the anger that I feel, looking back at my words that fuels my strength to press on. For without that fire the engine of desire that drives me to live doesn’t run. The passion for living would eventually burn out. So what are you left with? A husk, an empty shell of the person you once were. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of being that shell. I may be beat down, but I ain’t dead yet. So I’m planning on saying what I’m here to say and fighting my best fight. Till they spread my ashes over that sacred ground I call home.

Being in the Dark

6/15/2024

Microsoft AI Generated

I guess I have always been prone a little to being in the dark. Rather it’s because I worked night shift most of my life or from the insomnia to which I suffer. As much as I enjoy the being out in the sun, I often find myself huddled somewhere in a dark corner. Beyond the hum of the box fan and the AC, I can faintly hear the call of the morning birds through the window. With my dear wife coughing nearly uncontrollably in the next room. I’m hiding here in our bedroom/office blanketed by the dim glow of three small lamps.

Being married to a by-the-book dawn to dusk sleeper makes it difficult to live the all nighter lifestyle. But she manages to tolerate my bad habits while I have simple learned to live with Her’s. Still there’s something comforting in living in the dark, almost a certain kind of freedom. I grew up with a group of friends that felt pretty much the same way. Through late night benders and spontaneous drives to the beach or even all night get togethers down at the river. Talking and fretting about the things that seemed so important to us back then, that only make me smile now.

Hell, maybe that’s what has got me feeling this way. All those times feeling alone yet never being alone. Long before moving here me and my friends had grown distant. We were all starting to live our own lives and create our own families. We were each struggling in our own way to establish ourselves. While in the process we seemed to just lose each other attaching ourselves to other things that were much more important. But still not as much fun. Now with the kids grown and on their own, the dark seems to be my last refuge. A place where I can go and tap into the things I still enjoy. Things like writing, listening to music, and dreaming about places to go. Our I have plenty of online friend, but there’s no connection like human touch.

Fuzzy Tongue

6/14/2024

Ever wake up in the morning feeling like you have a hangover, even though you didn’t drink? You know what I mean, you have that dry pasty mouth, your eyes that won’t focus, and your body that just can’t get coordinated. I’m sure most of you would say, “That’s every morning”. So you know what I mean. Looking out my window I can see a breeze blowing out of the east. While I’m hidden inside my room with a box fan and a new AC unit, I’m reasonably protected from the elements outside. Yet looking out the window I want nothing more but to be outside and face another day…even with a fuzzy tongue.

Despite not having the sense God gave a gopher, I’m sitting outside. And despite the rising heat it is surprisingly comfortable out here. The breeze coming from the coast reminds me of long summer days back home at the beach. With my toes in the sand and the rhythm of the waves taking me back to shore. The rhythmic tapping of hammers by the roofers at my neighbor’s house brings back such memories. Getting me out of my room and back into my head. And while the doctors insist I stay inside as much as I can. I can’t resist the calling that the nature world will teach me more.

For many of us, sound bites and notifications on our phones are all we see of the world. Never realizing that it’s all just clickbait designed to tell us how to think and feel. It’s all just a game to the manufactured world to keep us occupied and asleep. But right here as the sun peeks through the leaves and the tapping hammers finish up their day. Just like a billion other humans out there we are all just struggling to survive. So don’t remain in your isolated bubbles. Get to know the opinions of others. Never assume that you’re always right. Let the fuzziness fade from your minds and breathe in nature is telling you.

Brown-Eyed Reflection

6/12/2024

In a field of Brown-Eyed Susie’s is where a garden once stood, while I’m losing a lot in productivity there, I’m gaining so much more in beauty. Staring out over the flowers under a shade of fig leaves, the loss of value doesn’t compare to the comfort that I feel. After a morning full things to do, the sound of a whippoorwill becomes a calming sound. Even as my MS Word app keeps shutting down while I’m jotting down these lines. But with the figs coming into bloom, even something as trivial as an app can’t spoil my current mood.

Still as the sun peeks through the leaves, I see the world as it rushes by. In between the delivery vans, the log trucks, and that one slow moving lawnmower; it’s a parade of man’s seemingly ridiculous progress passing before my eyes. But I remain content to just sit back here away from the noise. Watching my girls and their husbands struggle with bills and finding time between making a living and raising kids. I thought about my son-in-laws with Father’s Day coming up. I remember the days of fear hoping that I was holding my little right or that we had enough food in the house for them to eat. While to a point I still have to worry about those things and more, my days of being a full-time parent are done. Now all I worry about doing is not being a burden on my kids.

So I taste the wind as I strain to look upward towards the sky, with life endlessly passing by. Fading ever so softly into the memories of those I love. But you know that’s okay, before there was a me there were earlier generations I never really knew. They stacked the bricks that eventually became my lineage. Even though I don’t know all their names, what they left me was a blueprint for the children after me. So dream what you will. Don’t let any troubling task at hand take away from your peace. For it is the accumulation of memories that leaves a legacy.

Facing the Heat

6/9/2024

It might still be a bit warm, but the drop in humidity is making a most pleasant day. There’s a steady breeze blowing out of the southeast and what little laundry we had is now drying on the line. My headache from earlier this morning is still hanging on, but at least the heat from my heating pad eased the pain in my back. My old garden spot is now just a little field of wildflowers. With brown-eyed Susie’s, daisies, and the ever present petunias taking over the space. Me or Mr. Brown just don’t have enough energy to mention the plot anymore. But I have a fig tree full of figs, which hopefully by late summer will be ready to can.

The sycamore and fig tree offer up a fair amount of shade. But it’s the heat I have to be wary of when I venture outside. Looking out at the highway I can see plenty of trucks, cars, and motorcycles passing by. The scenery around here doesn’t change that much during the spring and summer. With the trees and bushes in full bloom with green. While look down US 280 the cotton and hay plants are springing up out of the ground, with the hopes of every farmer hanging on them.

As spring technically comes to a close, all during the season we’ve been getting a taste of the heat to come. Making me fear, the upcoming days that I’ll have to spent inside, due to my health issues. But that kind of isolation does not help the spirit or the body. It can drive you deeper into yourself and away from your connection with other humans and nature itself. This in turn feeds our minds with suspicion and fear. It’s that isolation from the natural world that fuels the fear. Turning our isolation into an excuse to hate. So embrace the summer as best you can, by turning your eyes towards nature. Receive the calm that nature offers, helping us to purge the hate and fear that plagues your souls.