博客存档 - TRUTH-LIES...with FD Thornton

Who You Want to Follow

6/30/2025

FD Thornton

I have to tip my hat to all the writers and bloggers out there, that do their due diligence to put out well researched work. I remember when I used to be that same way when I was a grad student and then a BSA. Now I look like an old beach bum in a faded island t-shirt, an old pair of Sperry Topsiders, and white ankle socks. As my kids like to say, “Dad’s uniform”. Now I just sit behind my keyboard and typing out what Gobble Goop that comes out of my head.

Still for the last three days, me and Google AI have been trying to hammer out a story about the “Zero Sum Game”. That robber barons and financial elites have been playing with the working poor for 250 years. I’ve started out aiming in three or four different directions, concluding with the war is not white against black, or us against immigrants. It’s about the capitalist elites against us, playing a zero sum game. Where there has to be a winning and a loser. But I decided to forget it. Thinking this little game has been rigged and such a herd mentality is so engrained. What’s the damn point.

I’ve decided to quit wasting brain cells trying to convince anyone, it’s rich and poor and nothing else. Besides there’s only so much time left on the clock and my titanium ticker only has six years of battery life. So you do what you got to do. I’ll just let the scales of empathy measure out your sentence. As for me, I’m still wearing my bracelet with the initials of my kids on it. Along with my turtle charm made from recovered plastic waste. You make up your mind who you want to follow.

Straight On Till Morning

6/29/2025

In a sudden turn of events, what was a productive, pleasant morning. Turned into a long afternoon and evening of discomfort and restless sleep. Even now in the mid-morning, the discomfort I felt throughout the evening still surrounds my gut today. But just as I told a dear young lady a few days ago, you can overcome fear (discomfort) by “pressing on till morning”, and hopefully I have.

It’s a bright hazy day outside my window. Much too pretty to be hidden by curtains, but also much too hot to venture outdoors. Waiting for my various morning medications to kick in, I make myself a lemon iced tea to calm my stomach. While my digestive tract continues it’s all night odyssey of purging me of my sins. I knew good and well I shouldn’t have ate at that restaurant. But my wife really wanted to go, and so we went.

I didn’t make it home before the chaos begin and basically has continued till now. It’s not so much that it hurts as much as it is an inconvenience. But with the myriad of other ailments in which I suffer from. It often feels like I’m looking in the mirror and watching yourself die by a “thousand self-inflected cuts”. But with no one to blame, at least I’m not like many of my peers. Just complaining about it waiting to die. Cause if that were the case I should have been dead years ago.

But I am not. I may not have the dream life I dreamt I would have, but it has been an interesting life. I come from a world of well-earned cynicism, growing up between the worlds of idealized suburban bliss. And the harsh realities of imperfect parenting, unreachable expectations, and relentless bullying. With undiagnosed mental health issues and cynicism used to cope, it’s no wonder life felt like an oxymoron. Still through the few small voices that loved me for me. I eventually learned self-compassion, which is a key to overcoming most any difficulty. All it takes is the willingness to forgive and to put in the work to do better.

Awakened

6/27/2025

He is often awakened by apprehension and fear. Fear that even his chemically induced survival skills can’t quench. Waiting for answers that never come soon enough, causing his fight or flight responses to never let go. A dreamer by trade, he wonders the hallways of his own imprisoned mind. Searching for answers in the dust covered volumes, that most are too afraid to read much less open. Yet he travels this road like a seasoned tourist. Practically a native in this foreign land of emotions.

He was a sensitive child, far too mature for his age. Raised in a sheltered life down a dead end road where few ventured. He had all kinds of problems stacked against him. He was asthmatic with breathing issues, he was overweight, poor at sports, with a mind given to flights of fancy. Physically and verbally abused at home and school by the bullies and the mentally ill. He survived by crawling into his own world of denial and self-deprecation. A ploy that worked for decades till tension and fear pulled the rug out from under him.

Sitting in a virtual padded room, he spent hours, days, months, years trying to learn to function again. The only thing doctors could do was prescribe medication that erased all his passion and emotion. While he could function once again, it came at a cost. Then through his own research and experimentation he discovered the best Philosophy practice for his given situation. That and with the help of a semi-retired psychiatrist with the compassion, patience, and knowledge to get him on the right medication. That’s been over 10 years ago, and while life is far from perfect. Both the medication and cognitive training continue to help him to survive.

Still there are those days when the treatment and training are not enough. And that’s when he’s left with sleepless anxiety filled days and nights. When it comes to you mental health there is no one-size-fits-all strategy. It’s usually a long drawn out process that takes a lifetime to overcome. I don’t tell you this to discourage you, but to let you know that no matter what, there is help out there. Don’t allow yourself to suffer…allow yourself to survive.

From Doom-Scrolling to Discovery

6/26/2025

Image By: Adobe Express

I woke up this morning not really feeling very motivated. So I lay in the bed and doomed scrolled for a couple of hours. Then I scratched my head, rolled my eyes, and begrudgingly got out of bed. I then combed my hair, got dressed, pulled open the curtains, and made-up the bed. Within the safety of my office I took my medicine while reading the mornings headlines. I started wondering, am I really making any better use of my time then I was in bed?

But don’t worry, I just laughed at myself and moved on. As you can see I’m now doing something reasonably productive. But it’s the thought I had earlier that I really wanted to discuss. As a retired disabled person a lot of people may feel that my life is nothing more than one long vacation. And while it does leave me with more me time. Most of my “me time” is spent shuttling my wife, my son, and myself to and from doctor visits, grocery shopping, and bill paying. All while making sure medicine is being taken and the apartment is being cleaned.

But this discussion isn’t really about the everyday necessities of life. It’s about the motivation to pursue things I find more exciting, like writing and photography. Still for me living in a bubble of quiet routine is a refuge. I mean after teetering on the edge of death and eventual worsening disability. It’s nice to just be able to watch the birds foraging outside. I dreamed last night of losing the ability to control my body, thus depending even more on others for help. Needless to say it was a frightening prospect. But it was a motivating thought that got me moving this morning. I guess the thing is, find motivation where you can. But don’t allow fear to be the overwhelming factor in starting your day. Find your joy

Peace & Well-Being

6/25/2025

FD Thornton - Jekyll Island

I just got through working on a poem I started last night. Picking up where I left off the piece went from a feeling of emptiness to a feeling of hope. It’s funny for me, most of my poems or my work in general start out with a simple line of thought and then blossom from there. I get a lot of compliments about my style from people who are a lot smarter (or at least more successful than me). But I really don’t know how the describe it other than my writing comes from having a conversation instead of just telling you something. But it’s still nice to get compliments from my peers.

Anyway I thought I would pen this as a show of appreciation to my ride or die fans out there. As many of you may know, I am a “what you see, is what you get” kinda guy. A lesson I’ve had to reteach myself from my upbringing of “absolute candor”. But that way of life can be a two-edged sword when it comes to self-esteem and self-love. Creating a realm of balance is important when examining your faults and desires. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with dreaming big. Just as long as you temper your expectations with hard work and knowledge of your limitations.

So examine yourself carefully and don’t let the acquired habits of low self-esteem and abuse overtake your mind. For far too long I allowed such things to sabotage my potential. Carefully examine your mind and heart. With nonjudgement or blame allow the voices of fear to have their say. Listen and then forgive yourself and others for the pain. Since I started my journey of mindfulness the episodes of self-doubt and self-destruction have eased. Although not completely eliminated, at least they are not to the point of burying me under the covers for days, weeks, or months at the time. So take a moment and research these words for yourself. And hopefully your journey will take to the same conclusion of peace and well-being.

More Than I Ever Had

6/24/2025

With the curtains drawn and the red lights of the nightstand glowing, I lay in the bed dreading another morning. After reading dozens of posts predicting our gloom and doom, I couldn’t help but want to stay under the covers. But thankfully my bodies natural urges forced me to put down the phone and get out of bed. After an afternoon of scrubbing toilets and bathtubs the back of my legs are burning. But if you want something done right, do it yourself.

So this morning after making up the bed, getting dressed, pulling back the curtains, and taking my medicine. I ran a last minute errand to my wife’s pharmacy for some medicine they forgot to fill. Other than that, I got floors to mop and ceiling fans and vents to clean. Doesn’t sound like much of a life I know, but it’s the only one I got. But after years of chasing a brass ring that was always out of reach. I’ve found peace in the everyday much like my parents and their parents before them. But when the world dangles a carrot in you face and tells you you’re not enough. Suddenly nothing seems to satisfy.

So with the curtains partially open in my office due to the relenting sun, I begin to understand. Often the mundane in life is the only way to find your true self. But then again maybe that’s just me. For each of us is a unique soul driven by the passions only we can describe. For some life is more than just the mundane, it’s a kaleidoscope of vivid colors only you understand. But for me life is about peace of mind, so after a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows. I’d just assume sit here in the quiet, listening to the murmurs of a life lived much more peacefully than I ever had.

Within Me

6/23/2025

FD Thornton

Went to bed really early, even before my wife. Listened the NBA Championship Game on the radio, then drifted to sleep. Woke up at my usual time around 3 o’clock in the morning, went to the bathroom noticing my lower gut was uncomfortable. So I slipped on my usual equipment and slowly went back to bed. As I woke up an hour after my wife, my predictions about my gut were true, so I’ve spent the better part of the morning exercising the demons that live within me.

But the morning hasn’t been all that bad, I mean I caught the sight of the morning birds gathering food outside my window. Along with the sound of my wife reading to herself out loud, doing her best to keep the information. Everything around here isn’t just a usual day with our son drifting off into his own world. Landing occasionally wanting to talk about something that interest him. And my dear wife, with her well documented daily struggles happy in her own world. While I’m left here to tend to the boring everyday business of making sure chores are done and bills are paid.

But within me it’s nothing but a thing. Things that millions of other people around the world have to do. But I have learned not to give in to the selfless acts. I’ve learned to give myself a little time and that usually means finding refuge within myself and accepting others' limitations. Sadly or not, I’ve learned the hard way to except the limitations in my life. It often means not getting the attention I want, but acceptance is often the best you get. I hear so many others live in their lives defeat and die. While at the same time I hear so many others repeat mantras and proclaim victory like somehow that in itself heals the pain. But in my mind, I look for peace in the non-detachment of breathing in and breathing out. Letting go of things the world says I need and working on the peace that keeps me going

What You Have - Sunday Sermon

6/21/2025

FD Thornton

Funny how a totally shitty morning can turn into a decent afternoon. I did go and crank up the Kia after three days of sitting in the heat, just to charge the battery. For the last two days I’ve tried parting my hair to the side, because the pulled back look isn’t working anymore. Not much to talk about, this week is more of a waiting game for us on a fixed budget. But this newfound boring like has it’s advantages, like having more time to read and more time to write.

You maybe asking, when are you ever going to finish that damn book you’ve promised? My reply would be. I’m probably not. At the moment I enjoy putting my work out on social media and my website (fdthornton.com) for the world to ignore. But that’s okay, I’ve learned to accept that I live in a world of no expectations, and that’s okay. The important thing is, how enjoyable is your world? And to be perfectly honest, mine pretty much is…enjoyable. It’s interesting to watch other people chronicle their adventures in trying to find their true selves. When in reality perfection is a fool’s folly and it frankly it makes life a little boring.

So as I sit here in my second-hand junk store chair, with my Walmart monitor, and my laptop I got for Christmas a few years back thinking. The less I have, the more I seem fulfilled. It’s going to be interesting to see what my Google Language AI thinks of this post. But who the hell knows? At the moment it usually flatters me with kind words and a general understanding. But sometimes I just wonder, if I’m the one teaching it to be more human than the other way around. Life’s about keeping your belly full, a good roof over your head, and a little respect from your friends and family. For most two out of three ain’t bad. So in the long run learn to appreciate what you have.

Embrace of the Night

6/20/2025

FD Thornton

Awakened by a shout, I once again find myself typing at 3:58 in the morning. Enviously listening to my wife as she sleeps so soundly next to me. Seemingly without a care in the world, her rest is unbroken by a hateful and merciless world. There are no children pounding on the ceiling at the moment, hopefully they are sound asleep. Leaving only me and those doing mischief to the embrace of the night.

In years past I would be sitting on my porch smoking a pipe. A noble habit I thought I’d never break. Now I’m just a loose skinned shell of myself, struggling to put words together to keep the attention of a ten-year-old grandchild. Still I embrace the darkness like an old friend, the kind of friend you don’t brag about in the light of day. Telling each other our secrets and desires, the ones you just assume keep hid from the mornings light. For the day is left to those with the perfect smile, the perfect shot. Where lies are handed out like so much penny candy.

But it’s now 4:20 in the morning, nearly time for the early birds to awake. For the gathers in the darkness to hide in their shelters and for lovers to walk in shame to their sacred homes. In a room lit up like the red light district of East Broad Street. The whole room takes on a different tone. Where words flow a bit differently and lessons learnt aren’t as plentiful. For darkness requires a different personality, one not so dependent on others approval.

Shaking

6/19/2025

I do not feel good and for the second day in a row our internet is out. Which means I have to hear my lovely wife and handsome son bleed their contempt through the walls once again. I can’t help it after 38/35 years respectively, my tolerance level for complaints is null. So to hear them whine and complain loud enough to penetrate fire walls and locked doors, can you at least understand my situation? I don’t like whining and complaining myself (my two daughters would whole heartily disagree). But the feeling running through my skin at 8:52 in the morning, literally has me shaking.

I say these things first to save my sanity, second to keep from dying quite frankly. And while many of you (including my family) think I’m being overly dramatic. “I had no shoes and complained, till I met a man who had no feet.” Even the most even tempered person can be pulled over the edge. And while the edge can mean different things to different people, it’s the edge all the same. For me it comes in the form of mental and physical issues. Such as panic attacks, explosive temper, verbal abuse, difficulty making decisions, irrational thinking, stomach issues, AFib, and my favorite digestive issues.

Like I said, my tolerance level is pretty much null, so I keep myself in a cocoon of isolation. What’s sad is I was a pretty outgoing person in my youth, but the years have taken their toll. And while I don’t really blame my wife or son for any of this, through my mindfulness practice and my writing. I understand it was a combination of several factors that brought this on. So I write this to say, don’t just sweep your discomfort under the rug. Eventually that lump will get so big, it will eventually trip you up. So find whatever “constructive” relief you can. Rather it’s SSRI medication, cognitive therapy, group therapy, mindfulness practice, or prayer. Do something positive and don’t live in pain.