Blog Archives - TRUTH-LIES...with FD Thornton

Never Gone: The Prequel

7/31/2024

Born out of necessity the ancient people for the foothills of south central Georgia used what they had to make their way. Along with growing their own food and making their own shelter, these early settlers used skills they brought with them from Europe and skills they learned from local native people. My grandfather was no different growing up at the feet of his mother and grandmother, his family were sharecroppers working the ground of the landowners for a share of the crop. But it wasn’t easy at the time with most young men drafted to fight in the great world war. Which left the planting and the harvesting to the old men, the wives, and the children.

After the war things got better, but the bitterness carried by some left behind put a heavy weight on the families, especially the children. Joseph Higgins my grandfather was the oldest of five children born to my great-grandparents before the war. With his father gone he was as left to tend to the mule and help his grandfather plow the acreage allotted his parents and grandparents. His younger siblings did other household chores, including tending to the animals, helping at harvest, and tending to the garden. Their mother, to my understanding, wasn’t fond of farm life. Raised in the low lying swamps along the river, her family were of the more leisurely kind making corn whiskey and selling potions.

Joe’s grandparents were tolerant of their daughters-in-law less than hardworking ways due to the extra money her potions brought in. That and along with the spirits her family made that seemed to help Grandpa’s gout. But once Hud, Joe’s father came home things appeared to improve. First they took the money he made while in the war and brought their own plot of land. But as with most good things wanderlust began to settled in. So Maggie Mae, Joe’s mother, continued remembering the promises Hud made to her years ago when courting. So the dull routine of farm life and motherhood started wearing thin on her. (Stay tuned for Part Two).

No One Else

7/29/2024

“I pull off my mask to the smell of a scented candle. A hint of vanilla all warm and creamy. Beneath the aroma a sweeter sense of love fills me. Overtaking my heart, just as it has for so many years. Come lie with me beneath the sweet aroma. And let me hold you like no one else ever has held before.” Sweet submissions are often covered in lines of a poem. But seldom do they cover the sound of a lone beating heart.

Relegated to my room as the rain falls outside; my heart and mind come to grips with the complexities of love. It’s interesting how you can be surrounded by people that love and more often than not respect you. Yet in the quiet of the day all you can hear is your own heart beating. From the beginning humankind has always been tribalistic, with the exception of a few lone wolves. But even then no one person is an island.

Confined in this prison of necessity, I need my quiet time just to survive. It’s a trait that few understand. Because we often fill in the space with noise and diversion. But I prefer my quiet time although I still require love. Deeper than mere companionship or even sex. My desires run deep for the very soul of another. In my life there have been many substitutions, but none compares to the true flame that consumes my soul. Nothing else creates the passion. Creates the willingness to expose old scares. For there is the light and the muse and no one else.

Me Peter & Paul

7/27/2024

After what seemed like hours of paying phone tag with my daughters, a banker, and a couple of doctors. I’m finally able to sit down, clear my thoughts, and write. We got the first of the month coming up watch means another month of “Robbing Peter to pay Paul”. Living on a fixed income in an age where your bills keep going up, is like jiggling a cat, an orange, and a chainsaw all at the same time. So you cut back where you can, knowing good and well that the shareholders that are in control sure ain’t missing any meals.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m angry. But if you keep up with the financial news you can see the profits most industries are making from your dollar. And as a former business owner I have to wonder when does a reasonable profit turn to price gouging? But like I said, me Peter and Paul are holding out and doing our best. Now I first said I was going to put my troubles aside and clear my mind. Well in this going from one panic to another world we live in, that doesn’t always happen. I know that Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh taught to eat mindfully, work mindfully, and even walk mindfully. But recently I was watching a live feed of a young Buddhist monk staring intently at his smartphone. So even the best of us are sometimes guilty of being distracted.

When clearing my head the best way for me to do this is by writing my thoughts down. Good or bad, most everything you’ve read by me, is simple me putting down my open thoughts on the screen. The AI I use to check my grammar often asks what my goal is when writing a piece. It’s hard to explain to a data driven program that my words usually come from my gut. But that pretty much sums up what’s happening. Even with this story I started out by releasing my frustrations. But by the end it appears I’m giving a lesson on meditation and mindfulness. So I tell you this to say, journaling is also a form of meditation. A way to release the burdens that weigh you down. Even now I’m worried less about my upcoming task and looking forward to the rest of the day.

Still Hurts

7/25/2024

I made a bold confession to my dearest friend recently. A confession that still hurts to think about to this day. It’s a thought the cuts deep if I think about it too long. Most of my adult life has been dedicated to my family. You know what I mean, making sacrifices and doing what needs to be done. But often times such things are overlooked by some. It’s not that they verbally tell you your no good to your face. But you can often feel it, like a nagging thought stuck in the back of your head.

As I think about it now my thoughts shift from that gnawing feeling I felt when I first texted my friend about it. To those age old feeling I felt when growing up. Never feeling like I was good enough, no matter how charming or quick witted I thought I was. I guess those around me were looking for results not metaphors or inspiration. I watched so many friends and enemies succeed around me. Building stable lives around themselves, putting their backs to the grindstone and achieving their material dreams. All that was happening while I was struggling just to scampered through life struggling to put food on my families table.

It’s ironic since I started writing this a heavy thunderstorm has started raging outside. The claps of thunder and heavy rain remind me of the inner turmoil I often feel. Sitting here hoping the power doesn’t go out. The struggling part of my brain tells me, “This is just par for the course when it comes to you”. It’s those hidden thoughts that come out of nowhere, that either save you or cause you utter destruction. Either way you have to listen to your emotions in order to free yourself from such negativity. By examining your heart and compassionately listening, you can then embrace that pain and begin to heal. Listen after decades of trying, I still find places in my soul that need love and forgiveness. And I realize that I still has a long ways to go. But you know what? That’s okay, because the progress I’ve made keeps driving me on.

Making Sense

7/24/2024

Buffy our Dumpster Kitten

Not knowing exactly what’s going on, I had a number of tense dreams last night, mostly dealing with failures from my past. Now the day before wasn’t a particularly bad day. So I have no real idea where those dreams came from. All I know for sure is that I woke restless and tired. So today I’m not particularly inspired to write anything other than a journal-like account of my day, instead of my usual cloud of metaphors and vivid poetry.

But as I have said a many times before, life often doesn’t hand us poetry and sunshine. Instead life and it’s lessons come from the mundane and troublesome things that happen to us every day. I mean, as I sit here now in the quiet of my room. My right eye is watering up so bad it’s burring my vision, while my sinuses are stopped up and hurting. I also notice the through the door my wife is also squeezing and uncomfortable. Giving me the cynical satisfaction that I’m not alone in my misery. In a funny way, these are signs of what’s actually going. That this unpleasant morning has nothing to do with some spiritual lesson and more to do with waiting for my meds to kick in
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Noticing this means that the fear that was growing in my head, just needs to chill out and wait for the meds to kick in. So the takeaway from all this should be, don’t be so quick to jump to scary conclusions. Search your emotions, listen, and be aware. In other words use your mindfulness. As you may or may not have noticed, I do most of my meditation through my writing. My words aren’t always glamorous or even spelled correctly. But when listening to my inner self, I become more attuned to what my heart and mind are really trying say. Thereby removing the assumptions of fear and stress. And instead creating a space for peace and understanding. Is any of this making sense to you?

$16 Freak Show

7/22/2024

Microsoft Designer

With a head full of anger and fear, it isn’t enough that the 24/7 news cycle bleeds through my phone every chance it gets. Or that the responsibilities of maintaining a household isn’t enough to tip you over. Out of the blue attacks on my peace of mind circle around and around in my head like so much dirty laundry on the wash cycle. Isolating myself obviously doesn’t work and neither does confessing my sins to a crowd of random people with sins of their own.

Worrying about things which I shouldn’t have to control. Watching loved ones spiral down paths I witnessed myself go through. Angry and scared at the same time at people I vowed to love and cherish. Putting it all on display on a $16 a month freak show of my own making. Knowing good and damn well, that isolation isn’t the answer. So what do I do? Confess your sins to the ethos hoping for some sort of redemption?

As much of a freak show as my mind is at times. My creative outlet of pen to paper is often my best source of solace. Sometimes mindfulness and meditation aren’t enough. My panic often finds ways to out maneuver all my protocols, leaving me with those same primal fears I first felt so long ago. Panic and fear are sneaky little bastards when it comes to getting in my head. They seem to know the in and outs of my psyche even better than I do.

So what do I do? Give in to the impulses and suffer? Again releasing my pain into the ethos seems to be the best route I have found. By giving my pain, fear, and anger a voice by listening to it. Not by judging, but instead by embracing those parts of yourself and forgiving myself and doing better. There is so much more to this than just 400 words can explain. Just know that freedom comes by giving away compassion and forgiveness. Especially of oneself and also to others in your life.

Keep Squeezing

7/21/2024

Microsoft Designer

With a sturdy cup of decaf and the shades partially open. I begin the day like most any in front of the keyboard squeezing my brain for a few drops of wisdom. Some days my brain is dripping wet making a mess on the floor. While others are like today empty and dry, with not enough wisdom to wash a flea. So I sit here missing the sunshine outside, but not missing the heat or the gnats.

It's just that my energy seems to flow better outside. Without the noise of the fans, and the sudden interruptions by someone barging into the room. But you take what you get when wrestling between freedom and obligation. So what do you do? I suppose you muster up the strength to jump back into the frame. But often that requires minutes, hours, or even weeks to re-tap the source. If you're waiting for me to give you an all purpose solution for this problem, I’m sorry. I definitely don’t have the perfect answer.

But I think the answer lies in how well you can clear your mind of interruptions. A friend asked a question a few days ago about creativity and what to do when you can’t find the right words to say. My only advice was to simply clear your mind and let the words flow. Sadly though, this is one of those examples where I often don’t practice what I preach.

That’s because for several days I’ve been trying to write a story about something that recently happened to me. Unfortunately every time I started to write my flow got interrupted, mostly by me packing in too many details. Now my proposed masterpiece sits with a number of other drafts in a digital graveyard. I suppose my point is, not everything is going to be great. But that shouldn’t stop you from trying to create or produce. The old saying goes, “practice makes perfect”. So work with what you got and keep squeezing.

Many Can't See

7/17/2024

Staring into the candlelight, the calico cat sitting on my lap. The flickering dance of the flame pulls me away from the outside voices that steal away my morning. Buffy licking my fingers as I scratch behind her ears and under her chin. Purrs with approval for the good job I’ve done. The morning begins with administrative work. The calling of various agencies, both government and business. Taking care of what needs taking care of for those under my care.

After a while it becomes old hat, seeing to the needs of those who can’t. But I fear it comes at the cost of my own sanity. The forgetting of names, words, and dates, the little details often demanded at a moments notice. But such as it is for those whom care for others. Who must stand at attention when others get to lay down. But a sharp knife dulls after so much use. Making one more slice without sharpening, then putting it back in the drawer.

It's long past noon now and my administrative chores are through. A blurred image of the president flashes across my muted TV. Buffy quietly laying next to my leg. Success is usually measured by the amount of wealth you accumulate. Or acreage you possess or the number of achievements you’ve gained. While my mind is drawn to that scented candle, whose flame is barely seen. Not doing much but at least doing it’s job. To deliver light and focus on things many can’t see.

The Earth & The Sky

7/15/2024

Jekyll Island - FD Thornton

Under the watch of a glass eye, time marches slowly through this dismal mess of a society. But the view from 50,000 feet is much different than the hot summer heat I feel outside my door. The one-eyed Gods that hold our attention with an even tighter grip. Dividing us into tribes I don’t even recognize anymore. While young bodies defy their comfort just for social approval. We surrender our own judgment and vision just to quinch the fear of being alone. Never realizing that unity has always been there between the earth and the sky.

Protecting myself from the intense heat, I stood on the back porch for a moment tsking in the warm breeze. Missing the outdoors but knowing quite well my limitations in my current state. Still I can feel the presence of nature even behind these air conditioned walls. The news of the last 24 hours has stressed me to no end. The cries of anarchy and destruction are hitting pretty close to home. Between the so-called patriots, high moralist, and the panicked liberals. The elitists and their minions feed us nothing but hyperbole in order to conquer and divide. Patiently waiting for us to believe they are the only one true God.

I write this not as some guru, but just a voice of reason. To remind you to look beyond your television sets and social media feeds. That outside the window there’s still a breeze blowing and figs ripening on the vine while Mrs. Brown and the birds enjoying the fruits of the fig trees labor. As for me, I’m sheltered in place on this 100 degree day. Giving myself a moment of peace by turning off the TV and notifications on my phone. Focused on the things I can do, like putting out words of reason and expressing the fear and stress I often feel. Understanding that nature has always been the answer, so make time to contemplate the order of things between the earth and the sky.

Musing

7/12/2024

There’s just something about love that no matter what, when you’re focus on it your troubles will melt away. At the moment I’m focused on the love shared by two people. A bond, that no matter the distance never seems to break. Rather it’s born of passion or lust, it’s a bond that draws two souls into one. Raised to believe in purity and selflessness often these souls torment themselves with the idea of right or wrong. When the real question should be, why not?

Dancing a secret dance many see, but few understand. The questions after a time turn to acceptance. Whereby the two simply learn to appreciate the moments they are given. While for many this is not enough, for them love continues to flourish. Accepting what history and fate has dealt. So are they just friends or something more? I like to think of it's more. Something beyond the word lovers and more in tuned to being soulmates. Joined at a greater depth than many who are married.

So as I daydream and contemplate such things underneath this old fig tree. I see and hear the birds above me enjoying the fruit I can never reach. While physically I am weak, these moments outside remind me that I am still alive, still hopeful, and still dreaming. Waiting for the moment when fate lands outside my window and I am able to let it in. Till then I will focus my time on the love and companionship such musings give me.