As the sun creeps closer to my apartment building, I look out the window to watch fellow renters go about their day. Some carry bags of groceries while others drag a dog on a leash around the grounds. As for me, I’m just a spectator watching the show from the safety of my cool room. I used to go outside a lot when the AC was minimal at best, and I had a yard and shade all to myself.
But that was over a year and a half ago, and while I am grateful for the comfort of a modern building, there are still things that I miss. But enough about regret; we were kicked out of the old house anyway to make room for a parking lot. (Yes, I’m talking to you, Baptist). At least life for a change is taking a step upward instead of sideways or behind. Over at the old place, we made so many compromises just to get along. Once an outlet went out, that was it. The stove, hot water heater, and dryer were all gas that we never had the credit to cut on. We took cold showers and boiled water to wash dishes. The sink drain continually stopped up, so we used buckets to toss out sink water. Needless to say, we were a pioneer family living in the 2020s. Once Hurricane Helene hit and we were out of power for two weeks, nothing at our house really changed. But past trauma is something you deal with in your own way. It’s not that you never look back, but you learn to make peace with it as best you can. In my own life, I battle demons of depression, anxiety, and neglect nearly every day. But through small acts of kindness and meditation, I’m learning to make peace with myself and the things that still haunt me. #Regret #MovingForward #ActsOfKindness #Mindfulness #Zen
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 Shouldn’t I be a bitter old man? Mad at the few moments I have left and the unfairness of it all. Or should I be mad at the fact that the young are beginning to take over? Wasting their time worrying about the things we used up so long ago. For I was told, the past is in the past. And we should instead all be planning for our triumphant future as winners of the race. I wonder just how many people woke up this morning with just that attitude, whether they said it out loud or not. I know I think it sometimes, if I were to be honest. But then I slap myself in the back of the head for having such thoughts. Wisdom is a gift you should gain from maturity, but it turns out most people my age aren’t very wise. We all seem so obsessed with pretending to be young. Trying to erase every wrinkle we earned on our face. My wife saw my big sisters stop coloring their hair many years ago. And since then she’s developed two big strands of silver gray that frame her face. I think she looks lovely, although she wishes it would all turn that shade of silver. Still, there are those of us that fight tooth and nail to look and act the age of their children or even their grandchildren. But considering the sins I have inflicted upon myself, I’m lucky just to be sitting here right now. Now I got nothing against trying to stay healthy, my problem has more to do with the attitude and the refusal to accept change. There are things our fathers believed that don’t carry weight today. Everything from smoking cigarettes to thinking the color of my skin makes me better. There’s even a wretched few that think their gender makes them better qualified to make the decisions for all. One would think the example your mothers and grandmothers lived would have taught you better than that, but who’s to say? It’s time to get our heads out of our asses and wise up to the condition of the world. Your old-time colonialism or, worse yet, imperialism ain’t going to cut it anymore. While you may think the so-called lower caste can’t rule themselves, how are we ever going to know till they are given the tools to learn? #Ignorance #Fear #Selfish #Greed #Hate  The morning ritual’s the same: get dressed, make the bed, and take my pills. Then I open the curtains and sit at my cheap desk. Writing, journaling, storytelling—whatever you want to call it—comes easy. I basically got nothing better to do as a senior citizen who apparently likes to talk. So I talk. Mostly to myself, disguising it in first-person dialogue to hide the fact that I’m talking to myself. The sun shines hazily through the thin clouds this morning over the apartment buildings. I haven’t noticed a soul stirring around outside—we still got a few weeks before the kids head back to school. So unless everyone gets up before I do, it looks like another quiet weekday. I hardly ever turn on the news anymore; I can only watch so many talking heads spill the propaganda of a chosen few before I tire of getting wet. You’d think lefties and righties would figure that out about both sides and just turn the whole thing off. But stubbornly, we both rehearse our talking points and scream at each other till we are blue or red in the face, anyway. As for me, despite my subtle innuendos, I mostly keep things to myself, promoting the virtues of kindness, compassion, and the good work. Still, I’m a crotchety old man to most, never really grasping my age until I try to walk a Wal-Jacks by myself without giving out. So there are many who are older than me, who are more powerful and stronger than me, blowing their trumpets of righteous living all the while playing handsy in the closet. But cynically, I do my best to be honest with you and myself, hoping that by doing so, I might gain a few “Brownie Points” with whoever’s in charge, whomever she might be. #JustAnotherDay #Storytelling #Thoughts #TongueInCheek #Whomever
I am feeling a bit spent this morning, like my medicine hasn’t kicked in yet. Like all the lights aren’t quite as bright as they should be yet. Still I sat down and worked on painting two pieces of poetry I had written a few days before. Both as different as different can be. One dealing with the jazz scene at the Village Vanguard in 1961 and the other dealing with young people being sent to war. I guess more than anything, it isn’t one of my best days and I’m thinking seriously about laying back down. It’s been several hours since I wrote that first paragraph and to be honest I don’t feel any better. Although I did get supper started with some dry black-eyed peas I let soak overnight. Then I cut up some potatoes, onion, bell pepper, and celery I will add to it later. With some ground turkey and diced tomatoes, I think we’ll have a healthy dinner I’m sure no one else will eat but me. But at least my digestive tract will be healthy. I guess I allowed myself to read too much news recently, causing my overall mental attitude to lag. As much as I like to keep an optimistic attitude, the realist cynical part of my brain sees the world as it is. Nothing more than a childish gathering of hard-lined, power-hungry children, too afraid of their own shadows to ever think critically. But who am I to say, I’m told I’m nothing more than a moocher living off an outdated system of charity created nearly a century ago. Created to prop up a caste of autocrats hell bent on draining the lower caste dry. But enough of the soapbox shit, let’s talk about how trans kids are ruining our society. While old men in blue suits and red ties are bleeding our collected dollars into wars to feed the money-making machine. “Why can’t we all just get along?” Those were choice words from one man’s heart, now reduced to a joke on late night talking points. #PaintedPoetry #ChoiceWords #HardLined #PowerHungry #TalkingPoints  I had something sweet and pretty in my head this morning as I woke up. But as usual life got in the way and ruined the moment. So now I’m sitting here fully dressed, with the curtains open, staring at three medicine bottles that need refills from three different doctors. Which for some amazing reason my national chain pharmacy can’t seem to get ahold of, yet they think I can. So now I’ve become a pharmaceutical rep and didn’t even know it! So what happened to my beautiful morning? I guess life got in the way. But other than that, I feel alright, save for my heart fluttering from all this morning’s activities. Still, life has a way of getting in the way of a good day, reminding us who’s really in charge. But whose really in charge? The circumstance? Or the moment? For many of us life just happens, it hands us the script, and we just go with it. That might make for a fast-paced, action-packed story, but not much of a life. But when you grab the circumstance by the balls (as Fresh would say), then you control the narrative and thereby create the ending you want. You see, life doesn’t always hand you the perfect story. I mean, as I continue my journey (on borrowed time, mind you), life is full of challenges. You can either grab the wild horse by the reins or get kicked off. Life is never pretty, if you don’t let it. I see too many people making excuses for their bad behavior but never putting in the work to do better. Don’t be one of those people. Instead look at the circumstance and take that moment to make your life better by taking control of the story. #Circumstance #Moment #TakeControl #Momentum #Awareness  I just woke up from a really nice nap, for today was the first time in a week that I ate solid food. When the Liver Clot formed over the tooth socket last week I was told to not chew, spit, or suck on a straw till I went back to the dentist. Well, I made it back to the dentist six days later. But the funniest thing happened on the night before going back to the dentist. Yes, the Liver Clot came out on its own.
I knew this was going to happen, because for the last two days that thing had been sitting in my mouth literally hanging by a string to my gum. But I did what I was told and didn’t mess with it, till eventually it fell out on it’s own. No blood, no pain at all. Still I went to my dentist like a good little boy, with my Liver Clot of blood wrapped in a tissue, to show it off. The dentist did inspect my mouth and tooth socket to make sure everything was okay. She admired the size of my clot and told me I was a good boy for doing what I was told. The reason I bring any of my oral surgery adventure up is, doctors don’t know everything. But they usually know more than you. Also for you to remain aware of what’s going on with your own body. You see, some 11 years ago I knew something wasn’t right. I felt a great amount of pressure on my chest and had felt it for over a week. I thought it was just acid reflux, but as the week progressed I found it harder and harder to breathe. Until I got to the point where I called 911 myself and begged for an ambulance. Being that I have a history of Panic Attacks, I was hoping this wasn’t one of those times. But one test in the ER and one observant Cardiologist discovered was that I basically killed my left ventricle. Needless to say, I pay attention now. So all I’m really asking you to do is the same—listen to your body, even when it comes to the simplest of things. #Storytelling #ListenToYourBody #LifeLessons #PersonalReflection #EverydayWisdom  I just got off the phone with my father-in-law , he’s doing alright, just staying out of the heat. We talked about the usual, the braves, old westerns, the family, and of course the latest on Fox News. I don’t mind his Fox talking points; I figured he’s in his 80’s and he can think what he wants. Besides deep down, I don’t think he believes anything he’s saying anyway.
So we ended the call with our “Love you, appreciate you”, just as we always do. It’s never much, but often times when you’re alone, it’s nice to hear a friendly voice. After a morning of getting a shower, going for ice, taking my medicine, and calling my father-in-law. I’m back to doing this, confessing my sins on this screen for no one in particular to read. But that’s okay I don’t really mind, I mean not everything I write is laced with gold. The point I suppose is to be consistent, not so much with the audience but mostly with yourself. At this stage of my life, I get to do pretty much what I want. I’m afforded the luxury of survivable health, enough money to at least have a roof over my head, and decent kids. Anything beyond that, is just gravy on my mash potatoes. My point is, try not to look at life so negatively, pull some positives out of it with the gratitude of mindfulness. Always be mindful that things can be much worse. Be aware of not only your surroundings, but of your thoughts. Try and dwell on the here and now and let each step you take bring you closer to enlightenment and peace of mind. #CompassionateListening #AKindWord #Awareness #Mindfulness #Zen |
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FD Thornton, Jr Copyrighted. All Rights Reserved. Archives
August 2026
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