 The sun is blazing brightly through the windows on this cool fall morning. My best friend just texted some news about another friend we’ve adopted as our own. It’s never good, but I wouldn’t expect any less from our dear little child. Silence has been the word this weekend other than the occasional bird chirping outside or the cheer of a football game on TV. As the decades pass, the noise and crazy antics of youth has given way to diaper changes, school conferences, or staying up tracking planes on an app. But now my life has been handed back to me. Minus the youth and the boundless energy. To do with as I please, although pleasing myself is still such a distant stranger. No longer are my hands tied to the duties made an unspoken oaths. But those callings still echo through my mind when fearful voices call. Much like our adopted friend we fear and worry about out of habit. So I sit here working on my second cup of cold decaf listening to the Sunday plane flying overhead from the airport. Waiting for the ambulances to scream by with their mornings cargo. So while you lay in bed, focused on a conversation that means little to anyone but us. Just know you have always been there for me and I appreciate that. I also appreciate all the moments we’ve missed together and the lives we have built. For no one else has had the patience or understanding we have for one another. So as the sun goes by I’m pretty sure it follows a trail it has followed since the dawn of time. But as for us, who knows where the wind will take us or where we will land. With hearts planted in one place and our desires in another. Destiny is a fickle mistress never knowing quite where she will decide to land.
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 Home - FD Thornton So I woke up with a shout around 3:30 this morning. Apparently I needed to go to the bathroom. Still after coming back to bed my heart was still thumping a little hard. Which sounds uncomfortable and to be honest it is. So excuse me if I sound a little “trigger happy” this morning. But after decades of being awakened by such “sweet little surprises”. It’s still hard not to jump to some conclusions given my history of mental and physical health. But I do my best to let the stress fly under the radar, giving me the appearance of a most stoic man. And to a point I suppose that’s true, because while a crisis is occurring I can appear calm and collected. It’s just that when the crisis has been averted that’s when I start to show signs of PTSD. While never being officially diagnosed with PTSD. I have been diagnosed with plenty of other mental and physical issues over the years that I don’t wish to get into again. All I know is that I’m shaking. Not from the cold or anything, but just a physical twitching deep within my muscles. My initial self-diagnosis is dehydration; due to the many prescriptions I take for my heart. So I am going to get back up and get me a bottle of water. I’m not too worried about the situation, believe me I’ve had worse. I also have a doctor’s appointment on Monday morning, so I’ll definitely mention this to her. Don’t ask me where this ability to observe myself from the third person comes from. I don’t know if it’s an inherited trait or something born out of necessity. So are there any real revelations apparent here in the moment, probably not. Just information about myself I’ve kept meticulously stored in my head. I like to think that it has something to do with the realization that I am part of a bigger whole. That maybe all this stressing out that I sometimes do comes from a fear for tomorrow. (Proverbs 27:1, Matthew 6:34, and James 4:13-14) all make references that we have no control over tomorrow. The Zen Teachings that I adhere to tell the same thing. So why should I fear about the plans I make? Simply do your best, to avoid worry. Then your true healing can begin. #PresentMoment #HereAndNow #Faith #Zen #PeaceOfMind  Between the dreams we have, and the damage caused by those very dreams. We get caught up in the high to achieve and improve, only to end up disappointing ourselves. So what do you do? Refuse to dream? In my own life I’ve been unsatisfied with most everything in my life. From failed relationships to dreams crushed under the weight of reality. Blaming myself for my lack of motivation, the story always ended up the same. That I was no good and unworthy of love or success. Some might say that just a little drive and inspiration were all I needed to make it through. While that might be true for some, I found that motivational speak was nothing more than made up affirmations posted on breakroom walls. I know that sounds harsh and it is. But when you’re raised in a loving home by damaged parents that loved you. Yet often told you, you were worthless…what else are you going to think? So I sit here today writing yet another anti-motivational speech to wake myself up from the lie of worth. For a while I was told I was worthless. By my family, by neighborhood bullies, by evil teachers, and bosses – so you get it. It got so bad that when I grew up I didn’t need anyone to tell me how shitty I was. I could do that all by myself. And it was those feelings and emotions that drove my every decision, my every move. Sometimes I would get pumped about something. But the minute the high wore off, so did the motivation and then the blame. So you see it was me and the people I trusted. That torn down the stability of a young child creating the cynical ass you see today. So how has my life changed? Well the spiral of self-hate and self-loathing stopped (or at least slowed down) after my mental breakdown and seeking help. My studies of Zen Buddhist philosophy and living in the present moment has helped. But the real revelation came after my first major heart attack when I learned to not fear death. That my friend opened up new avenues of insight and drive and gave me permission to be me. So in closing let me say, all of us have dreams. Rather it’s making a billion dollars or building a cabin by a stream. Mine I suppose was to always to be heard. But even that dream takes second place to being able to see beyond the trees and clouds that I now see. And know that I am the most at peace I have ever been, right here and right now.  Never Ignore Its Call After a fun filled morning of refilling my wife’s med packs and fighting with my AI editor that has quit working. (Glad I don’t pay for it, or I’d be really pissed) It’s a semi-sunny humid morning for a late November. But after wasting nearly an hour of my life trying to get the damn AI to run. I basically said F-it and now I’m talking to you. How are you doing? I am doing okay, a bit stopped up sinus wise but other than that, lightheaded and dizzy as ever. I heated me up a second cup of decaf which I’ve promptly let get cold playing with this machine. But I guess this is all happening to remind me that I am the king of my own domain and not some software program. For many years I buried myself in the world of data and systems analysis looking for connections…points on a chart. But all I ever got back were cold hard connections, where the human factor was erased just to make a dollar. Where all humankind was reduced to a commodity to be bought and sold. It's sad in so many ways. But a number of young entrepreneurs I have advised over the years are good people. Who have gone on to become well-rounded businesspeople with real hearts. But in the broader sense I see nothing but greed and looking out for number one. Perhaps my own testimony of giving it my all to only find myself alone and dying has something to do with my attitude. So forgive my hardline feelings towards business, it’s something I developed out of my own sense of destiny. So whatever you call success, more power to you. Just know that Karma often bites back way harder than you can do to it. That the human heart is there for a reason, so never ignore its call.  Compared to yesterday, it is a cool morning with foggy grey skies and lows in the forties. I’m sitting here in the outfit I worn yesterday a long sleeve t-shirt and shorts. But yesterday afternoon it was in the mid eighties and quite warm for late November. But with the promise that it’s going to be as hot as yesterday, I think I’ll just stay in my shorts even though it’s a little chill right now. So I went to the room and slipped me on a sweater.
My oldest daughter and her family just touched down in England last night early morning there. To spend the next several days with her husband’s family back home. This is only the second time his parents have seen their first grandbaby in the two and a half years since her birth. I remember quite well the sensation and fear of that first grandchild. When our second daughter gave birth to her first several years ago. It also brings back the memories of when our oldest was the first grandchild herself. And the almost celebrity like status that carried for her for at least 18 months. But that was over 35 years ago and with the birth of three other kids, two son-in-laws, three grandkids, and six grand dogs and cats. Life is kinda full circle. But I feel for my counter parts across the pond, not being able to hope in their car to see their grandchild. But pretty sure I’m sure their other adult children will catch the bug and pop up some more little ones. It’s how most generations work, you feel in love, get married, have kids, or at least some variation of that. Then you live out the rest of your life called Papa or Grandpa. And while that’s pretty much the way it goes, remember to keep yourself a pocket full of change, just in case you see one of the monkeys.  Adobe Firefox The skies have mostly cleared by the afternoon while the lawn service came by and gave us a quick mow. And supper is slowly cooking on the stove, much to my surprise to my wife’s approval. For the past few months we have been relegated to just having cheap ground turkey as a protein. Which would leave most untrained families with only Hamburger Helper or Spaghetti to eat. While I would be lying if I said we don’t eat those things. My main fix for ground turkey would be to cut the tube in half and mix it with seasoning and any variety of fresh or canned vegetables we have on hand. All while fixing my late Granny Thornton’s depression staple sticky rice. As I discovered years later, I was basically making stir fry. Something we thought was a treat when I was a kid when my dad would take day-old rice and stir in eggs and onions. I laugh to myself thinking about it now of the crazy things my dad and his mom come up with. Like cold pork-n-beans with eggs and a little mayonnaise and maybe diced ham, egg pie, or whatever thing that woman would come up with to feed a hungry family of seven in the midst of a depression. The same can be said for Granny Geiger having to feed a family of six on ration vouchers during World War Two. It's all a little funny and sad at the same time, that now in the late months of 2025 that we still have to ration food in the midst of this so-called prosperity. With wars and rumors of wars playing out like dominos in our leaders heads. All while keeping our minds occupied with fear and outright hate towards those of a slightly different skin tone. While women are being spat upon for not producing enough pure breed young. All the while the elite and ignorant pray for red cloaks and silence. What have we become? A nation of laws that for nearly ten years has been reduced to yet another oligarchy.  After what I would call a peaceful evening of doom scrolling, watching funny videos, and listening to some good music. I fell asleep listening to a podcast not known for its heated political rhetoric. But later that evening I was awakened by a violent dream, all while listening to that same podcast. Somewhere during the show, the banter must have gotten heated, and two individuals, from the same political party, got into a shouting match about common sense party policy. It was crazy. After a few moments of calming down, I quickly turned off the podcast. Then switched over to a Zen podcast to just chill out. But apparently towards the early morning hours, I had a second violent dream (not as intense as the first) all while listening to a guided meditation. Again, crazy. Sitting here thinking about it, I can only assume the shouting match of the first podcast was still lingering in my dreams. Telling me that tonight, I am going to listen to elevator music instead. I mean damn the first dream was detailed and intense, while the second dream seemed to follow the same violent plot. With a somewhat different situation. I’m not much on having fighting dreams, but at least I held my own and knew when to leave the situation. Thinking about it now, it all goes to show that all the violent rhetoric we sling around can have serious consequences. I ain’t got to tell you nothing about what we all witness on your local and national news. Cause we all know, “If it bleeds, it leads” mentality they all have. I mean I grew up with Johny Quest and a Coyote trying to eat a Roadrunner. Yet I can’t recall a mass school shooting other than one on a college campus in the late sixties. Now there so common across the nation, they don’t even raise an eyebrow unless five or more have died. I know I could get way deeper down this rabbit hole, but all I am going to say is: This ain’t right. There’s no such thing as having to win every fight or never admitting you were wrong. Whatever happened to compromise and reaching a middle ground. Life is too damn fragile for a “my way or the highway” attitude. I’ve learned that lesson the hard way. So stop listening to your idiot fair-weather friends and instead listen to your heart. #CommonSense #Civility #CoolerHeads #Rhetoric  FD Thornton I had another cardiologist appointment yesterday; it was my normal biannual checkup to see if I’m still ticking. So after my exam and getting an EKG, my cardiac NP says I’m doing fine. My blood pressure and pulse were good and no signs of AFib appeared on my EKG. So after answering some lingering questions I had about my upcoming Watchman procedure in January. She changed one prescription and set me up for the next series of test I’ll need over the next six months. Which include a full echocardiogram sweep and a full diagnostic check on my defibrillator, just in time for my next biannual checkup. It sounds like a lot, and it is, but it and other exams, lab work, and probing’s are the price I pay. To keep me from pushing up daisies. That may sound a bit cold, but it’s the truth, so why hide from it? Now I could go into all kinds of directions with that statement from talking about industrialized healthcare to compassion and empathy. But instead I want to talk about my own individual responsibility in all this. And how I treat this gift of life that life has afforded me? By that I mean, am I treating this gift with respect by contributing even if in some small way to the betterment of humankind. Maybe I’m just thinking out of terms and that a life should be treated equally despite. But for me individually it’s something that I think about. In other words I want to carry my weight, I want my doctors and nurses to believe that what they are doing for me is worth their time and training. And that I in some small way can reciprocate my gifts back to society. I don’t know, maybe this is a dumb way to think in a “winner take all world”, but I’m just being honest. Raised with the heart of a servant (no matter how twisted) is a hard habit to break. So what do you think? Should I be grateful and give back in some way? Or should I just take my breaks as they come and just worry about myself. #LifeReflections #Purpose #HealthJourney #Gratitude  Adobe Firefly Sometimes your promised things that never come true. Like a way to enlarge the print on your screen, only to find out it only shows up on part of the screen. The same works for other things you dream about, like a sweater you ordered online. Or a promise that was made and never kept. I hope today doesn’t turn into one of those days. We brought a new sofa that’s coming in today from only a photograph. While the furniture store is reputable, after trying to play with this display, I’m beginning to wonder. But these things are neither here nor there, I mean I have the right to send it back. I think more than anything, I’m thinking about the promises we casually make to each other. That we have no intention in keeping. We all know this is a practice in business we have seen all too many times. But when it comes from someone you trust, will that’s something much different. We cross paths with so many people that beg for our trust and our devotion. Yet in the end with a subtle shift in attitude, they change or at the very least refuse to grow. In my own life I’ve seen this more times than I care to count. But as I age and become more aware of stagnant human beings, I’m not really surprised. I guess the moment of courage comes in the walking away. So don’t take abuse like it’s a calling or a God-sent punishment. Fight for your joy and look at everything with a critical eye. So as the wind howls and the first freeze of the season approaches. Be mindful of your peace, don’t allow others to steal it just because they can. #BrokenPromises #Abuse #LowSelfEsteem #LoveThySelf  It’s another foggy and damp morning out here across the Pecan Grove, and just like yesterday there’s not much sound coming off the highway. Even the birds haven’t risen to sing a song. But just like a good little soldier I was wide awake at four in the morning pretending to sleep till seven. But silence has its own certain sound. Along with the biting chill tearing through my long sleeved t-shirt. For a moment a lone bird did cry in the distance repeating its one lonely song. While I create a certain rhythm of my own, pounding on the keys in my usual two finger style. But life appears the same, as I rub my face and roll my head to loosen up the stiffness. But no one greets me at the dawn of the day, for I am nothing more than a part of the scenery around here. But that is okay, I don’t mind for I have become nothing beyond these walls. Living the dream of a quiet existence I have wanted for so long. Still the need for importance rouses it’s head just to make me feel important. But those times of need are so seldom and far between. So I practice my lines like the words written in a script, much like what you are reading now. Just to keep the ability to think sharp. But so few understand the words anymore of an of a nearly forgotten man. Until he’s needed for something, then rises from his grave. So weep not for the silent ones of a long lost generation. As my peers pretend to be relevant riding around on golf carts, getting tattoos, and displaying shower balls. My guess I’m from the generation that matured before it’s time. Weighed down by the responsibility we took on but never complained about. Blamed for all the woes of the world, while the rest of you still haven’t changed. Just feeling our years and accepting them all the same. |
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January 2026
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