Sandra Saxon Burnsed
Awakened this morning by vivid dreams of things to come, I tried to make an unsuccessful phone call to my father-in-law. But our phone and internet lines are still “iffy” at best. So I just settled into a morning of written meditation. I watched a documentary on a religious group I followed in my youth even going as far as visiting their church campus back in the mid-1980’s. At the time me and some friends of mine thought of using them as a model for a similar campus in Savannah, Georgia.
But just as with many well-thought out plans, it was never to be. At the time my need to be a provider for my young family outweighed my desire to be a young Christian lighting rod. While I’ve never carried a tremendous amount of guilt for that decision. After watching the personal account on that group and its successes and failures. I’m pretty happy my part in those plans fell through. Still a lot of the demons I have carried from my youth still haunt me. The guilt of never achieving that moral standard set for me by the “church”. The shame of never being able to pray the demons away that cloud my mind (depression, doubt, and questioning). Or being able to completely reconcile with the wrongs done to me as a young child.
Still as I stare at the staple of the good Baptist church next door. I have to wonder are my prejudices against faith warranted or as I’ve been told all my life, just excuses not to follow the light. At the moment they are warranted, I’m simply not ready to forgive some past traumas. But I am willing to love those who try, for those that didn’t know better, for those that drank the same Kool-Aid as I. Despite our overwhelming need to create good and bad with grey areas in-between. There is still pain that cannot be resolved and there are still are sins that need to be punished and not forgiven. But as I sit here today, I cope, and I work through these situations by being honest with myself and letting my words flow with the wind.
But just as with many well-thought out plans, it was never to be. At the time my need to be a provider for my young family outweighed my desire to be a young Christian lighting rod. While I’ve never carried a tremendous amount of guilt for that decision. After watching the personal account on that group and its successes and failures. I’m pretty happy my part in those plans fell through. Still a lot of the demons I have carried from my youth still haunt me. The guilt of never achieving that moral standard set for me by the “church”. The shame of never being able to pray the demons away that cloud my mind (depression, doubt, and questioning). Or being able to completely reconcile with the wrongs done to me as a young child.
Still as I stare at the staple of the good Baptist church next door. I have to wonder are my prejudices against faith warranted or as I’ve been told all my life, just excuses not to follow the light. At the moment they are warranted, I’m simply not ready to forgive some past traumas. But I am willing to love those who try, for those that didn’t know better, for those that drank the same Kool-Aid as I. Despite our overwhelming need to create good and bad with grey areas in-between. There is still pain that cannot be resolved and there are still are sins that need to be punished and not forgiven. But as I sit here today, I cope, and I work through these situations by being honest with myself and letting my words flow with the wind.
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