I don’t want to be mad. I don’t want to be bitter. I even don’t want to be an asshole. But I am all those things and more. This has been a strenuous summer packed on by even more strenuous week. Having to do things I’m really shouldn’t be doing. Putting myself last “outweighing the needs of the one, for the needs of the many”. But of course, these are considered noble traits, ask many parent. But when the caregiver can no longer care for themselves?
I’m not trying to garnish any sympathy here; these are just the things I have to do. But within the depths of heart bitter seeds are blooming. So the reality of what I’m feeling can no longer be ignored. So often we brush aside the negative emotions we feel. We either push them even deeper, swept them into a dark corner, or drown them in unhealthy habits. I’m guilty of all three. But you can only stuff so much into a garbage bag before it breaks. And just like so many times before, my bag’s about to bust.
So I’m laying here, one crisis’s over with several more to go. But I’m thinking, I’m reflecting, and I’m listening. I breathe deeply while my heart cries in pain. Listening to every frustration, every moment of pain. I know my limitations, though I’m pretty damn good at ignoring them. For the love of family, a man or woman will do all that they can. But often there is no satisfaction, no reward in what you do. You may hope karma will shine some grace your way. But in my situation, even that’s become a pipe dream. So why do I press on? To be honest, damn if I know. All I know is it’s in my nature good or bad, to just keep living and seeking peace.
All post written by
FD Thornton, Jr
All Rights Reserved.