Complicated

John Coltrane, photo by Adam Ritchie/Redferns

Feeding my head with the sounds of Coltrane may sound insane considering my upbringing. But through the decades music has always been the one note that has poured into my ears. Rather it was my desire to be a musician or my love of words. Nothing seemed to satisfy my need for melodic complexity more than the sound of Coltrane. Even though my wife grins and bares the sound of my “noise”.  

When we first married we had a record player and among my collection were a number of jazz recordings. To appease my wife I had a pair of headphones. But often I would place them on her growing belly for our growing daughter to hear. By my wife would complain that that baby kicked harder when the headphones were on her belly. A fact I cannot deny considering my daughters current poor taste in music.

To live rent free in my head all you have to have is a certain freedom of word and rhythm. A unique voice or a distinctive sound. I don’t know what makes me this way. Other than my mothers early love of 60s surf and sand music. To her total devotion later on to Southern gospel music. In my early life I do remember the record player or the radio always playing. But as my parents pushed more into the semi-mystical side of the Pentecostal scene. The music I was allowed to listen to became more restricted.

“The Devil’s Music” as it was called bled through a number of AM and FM stations in the area. And the only way I got to hear it was through my pillow with a tiny transistor radio I bought myself with my lawn mower money. So with “one foot planted in heaven and the other running with the devil”, I continued with my devilish ways. Funny though, for the ten or so years that Panic Disorder stole my music and my emotions. I was as miserable as I could get. It wasn’t until I went cold turkey on my medication, that the flood of emotions come rushing back.

I suppose what I am saying here is, while silence and soul-searching were my salvation from the abyss. So to was the joy and the sadness of music. I learned the hard way that to deny yourself joy, is the goal of every devil in your life. Rather you believe in a physical demon or not. Learning to embrace all sides of yourself is the true freedom. It is balance, yes balance. That binds it all together to create a wonderfully complicated sound that becomes life.