Despite Them

I’m just sitting outside watching the leaves fall from the sycamore trees and covering the backyard. Lisa’s getting the laundry from the weekend hung out while the rest of town is waking up to another week. The winds are light and warm coming out of the east. I spent the weekend watching football and muting every political ad that I saw. Between democrats fretting about democracy and republicans looking for a new Boogeyman to blame, at least my water and sewage still works despite them.

Late last night I woke up to go to the bathroom. Going back to sleep I turned on an episode of Tara Brach’s mindfulness podcast. In this episode she discussed the difference between doing and being. It was a good reminder of how often we often end up “over-controlling” and not just living our lives. Several years ago after I was just getting a handle on my own doubt and self-loathing. I suffered from the first in a series of physical setbacks. These setbacks haunt me still today with my ever-growing/ever-changing intake of life saving medication and treatments.
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But despite all these setbacks and the to-do list of therapies I rely on, I still find time to just be. You see, what I suffered from the most was the over-controlling and over-correcting of my actions in order to achieve my goals. And while goals themselves aren’t a bad thing, the obsession and abuse they can generate often are. The worrying over projects, the continued fighting with self-doubt, and downright self abuse of my body; all brought me to a point where it all came crashing down. What I’m trying to say is, often letting go is the key to true contentment and satisfaction. In the last few years, while new physical problems have presented themselves. Through mindfulness and trust I’ve learned that “sweating the details “ is often an unnecessary stressor; that awareness and silence often supersedes and overcomes.