Duality

It was a very weird night, filled cumbersome dreams. One in particular was filled with some of my family and friends caught up in an awkward social situation. In my dream friends from a variety progressive circles were breaking bread and socializing with some of the most conservative family members.  Just to see some of my Aunts. Uncles, and In-laws interacting with some of my most flamboyant friends and having polite conversation was definitely a sight to see. While in real life it was never a secret to my immediate family about my choice of friends. Still the dream pushed the differences to the extreme, making for a most interesting get-together.

Awaken by the urge to go to the bathroom just before a gay Buddhist friend was about to say “grace”. I can still feel the awkwardness I felt during the dream. Acting like a man trying to play both sides of the fence, I felt shame seeing these two groups together doing their best to be social. In reality I did my best to keep these two sides of myself separate from each other. I worked carefully to craft these two imagines of myself. So I could just fit in and be accepted by whoever I was with at the time. Living a miserable double life just to please others.

That life of guilt and shame has went of for many years. And it wasn’t until recently that I’ve learned to embrace who I really am and make public all the parts of me. But somewhere deep inside of me there’s still those seeds of shame begging to be watered. Most of us live in a duality, building walls to hide our true selves from the world, while secretly battling guilt and shame. My duality has haunted me for the better part of the six decades and I believe I am not alone. While each of us is entitled to their privacy, don’t let that be an excuse not to seek help when needed. Shame can be a powerful foe when it comes to hiding pain. While put most of my demons are out there for all the world to see. Don’t use shame as an excuse to hide from your potential healing.