Fence Line

Adobe AI Generated

A funny thing happened today; I had to take my son to a job interview at a local state prison. Remembering all too well the protocols of entering active prison grounds, I waited quietly in the car. Oddly enough I found a space in the front next to the main gate. While there a number of prison employees going in and out asked why I was there. After explaining I was there waiting on my son, even the CO driving the fence line even stopped and asked.

Anyway while I was there I strange sensation came over me, a fear and dread I hadn’t felt in awhile. In the 90’s while taking fire training at Reidsville State Prison I had what I later discovered was my first panic attack. Without taking you through the gory details, it was a classic panic attack with feelings of dread and a rapid heartbeat. Needless to say that attacks got worse, and I eventually ended up leaving the prison system.

That was 30 years ago, and a lot of things have changed. For one I have long retired from mental as well as physical damage stemming from that first attack. But for a while now sitting here in this parking lot, watching the gates open and close, the locks clicking shut, and razor wire wiped around everything. I feel those feelings of being trapped once again. But I breathed through it. After a little over an hour, my son was done with his interview, and we drive away. Pass the massive gates and the long manicured drive back to the open highway home.

I finished a movie I started watching last night but still had trouble sleeping. Getting up this morning I was happy to see the sun. but as far as my usual routine of opening my office curtains, I left them drawn. Closed for bothersome glare the eastern sun brings. Closed for that chapter of my life that hasn’t really closed. Closed for the moments in my life you’d much rather forget but know I never can.