Has It Really?

Between two worlds of quite seclusion and extreme fear, my fight or flight mode propels me into high gear. Still getting used to this alien world in which I’ve landed still gathering my footing between assurance and trepidation. My extreme anxiety hates “living on the fly” yet that is exactly what I’ve been doing for the last several years. Handling each crisis as it comes, succeeding or failing with such laissez-faire’. But this time it’s different the stakes have changed, the fall feels so much more potent. But has it really?

The feeling of the unknown was such an adrenaline rush for me in my youth. But the pressures of parenting and caregiving pushed to their limits so many times, it’s not surprising that the gasket of sanity eventually blew. Leaving me paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong call. Still many wrong calls I did make leaving me and my family dealing with the aftereffects. But time is a teacher and despite my apparent deficiencies, at the moment life has now taken a turn for the better. Despite my apparent troubles with the thermostat.

In an odd sort of way, it is freeing to speak in terms of fear and honesty. For it clears the mind of any pretext of supremacy, allowing one to have an honest conversation with yourself. Be mindful there is a difference between honesty and self-destructive thought and often walk a fine line between the two. But over decades of practice and mindfulness self-training. I have learned to open my thoughts to a sort of open therapy which I oddly enough lay bare on these pages. But for me this is my therapy, part of my medication, and my peace of mind. So as I sit here raddling off my troubles and fears, know I am looking to nature and the natural order of things. Knowing that “This too shall pass” and that as long as I’m sincere things aren’t really as bad as they seem.