Is You

How does it feel to be considered less than? How does it feel knowing you will never measure up? Within my own existence I’ve pushed myself to measure up. To be as cool as the other kids and to have friends in the neighborhood to ride bikes with. To be able to sit on the back of the bus and not be made fun of. Yeah, that’s pretty much all I wanted. But I never got it, so I became the class clown, the court jester. The one that was always smart enough but never cool enough. 

As I write these words, I feel myself getting lightheaded. That might be because I’m writing well past my dinnertime, but also because I’m being hit with a truth my heart would rather keep hidden. It is the next day since I wrote those first few lines. Still even in the midst of everyday life, like when celebrating family birthdays and holidays, those old feelings of shame and insecurity still surface. 

Sitting in the office now, with the black curtains drawn against the 100°+ weather, I wrestle with these persistent childhood wounds. I am so over these traumas that for so long have tortured me. But do you really get over them? I mean I spent most of my adult life trying to prove I was worthy. And whether or not I did, a small piece of my childhood says I haven’t. Even now compliments rub me like sandpaper and while I appear gracious, I still feel unworthy. So here we go, continually fighting the arrows hurled at me by kids who were just as scared as I was. So what do I do? You accept the pain, and you love the child that’s buried deep within. For that child my friend, is you.