It's What You Do

Staring at a blinking cursor the intimidation factor can get pretty high. But at the same time as your fingers glide across the keys, the flow of emotions can be quite freeing. Today I get to feel a little selfish. For one, I get to travel out of town alone. And second, because it’s a visit to my cardiologist about some recent test results and not anyone else’s. Being your own advocate often takes a backseat to the many little crisis’ a caregiver has to face. From taking your loved one to their doctor appointments. To making sure their bills are paid, to buying their groceries, and usually preparing their meals. It’s troubling to see yourself as the second banana in your own one act show. But it’s what you often do.

But after nearly 40 years, it becomes second nature, a skill I’ve learn to master after years of practice. I can’t imagine what it must be like to loss someone you cared for long time. It must be like losing a limb, where your mind fires up the impulses, but nothings there to react. That last statement gave me pause, especially since the results of my test. Physical dependence is a hard thing. It’s not like a parent and child relationship where the child eventually out grows any physical dependence on the parent. It becomes seemingly never ending thing. Oh you might see some Independence with repetitiveness or technology. But repeating the same daily struggles can often become pressure points within the symbiosis.

Maybe that’s why I feel so anger and selfish, because I just feel like I’ve lost a big part of myself over time. But as my own physical condition has deteriorating, I sometimes find myself dependent on others for a helping hand. It’s an humbling, yet frustrating process. When it was you that was the “go to” person, to only find out now you need “going to” yourself. Your only hope is that hopefully built up enough karma points to ask such favors. But when your mental health likes to remind you what a sack of shit you are, it’s difficult to expect any return on your investment. So there it goes the life of a fragmented soul. Take from it what you will, hopefully you will find it a comfort that you are not alone. Now I’m going to sit outside for a while, because that’s what I do.