Know What I Mean

Image By: Sandra Saxon Burnsed

Why do some of us grow up feeling like we don’t deserve love? Was it a lack of attention or intimacy we received as children? Or was our sense of love twisted by physical or mental abuse? It is an interesting and troubling question, for sure. In my case I think it come from the mixed signals I received as a kid. From a dad who could at times be distant and verbally abusive. To a mom who was a mother and a needy sister, at the same time. My main abusers were the schoolyard bullies. The confident ones that took pleasure in pointing out every fault and every flaw.

Now before you start accusing me of being a snowflake or bleeding heart liberal (by the way I am). I can dish it out and take a good ribbing from the best. What I’m talking about are the abusive words and actions that can scar you for life. You know what I mean. Anyway it has been a long process of listening and giving my pain a voice to heal from my troubles. Not that by any means that I’m completely healed, but I continue to try.

I think of a dear friend whom I love very much. One of the few lifelong friends I still have from my past. And while the words, “I love you”, fall so easily from their lips. I often wonder, “Do they really feel it for themselves”? So often words fail to express the emotion you really want to give. But at the given moment a hug simply isn’t in the cards. I suppose my point here is to say I understand. I understand the pain and doubt you may feel. I understand the piss poor substitution that worldly riches and acclaim can offer. So to each of you, including myself. I am truly sorry.