Make It Through

It’s five in the morning and I’ve been up since 3:30 doom scrolling. I was wakened with a shout and haven’t been able to go back to sleep since. Sometimes the smallest seed can be planted, and it can ruin a whole day, week, or month. Yesterday I went for a doctor’s appointment to meet with my new urologist. As my vitals were taken and medications written down, the nurse noticed my blood pressure was low and casually mentioned it. That was all it took to turn this usual introduction to a new doctor into a full-blown health and panic attack, which I’m more then certain is what is happening to me now.
 
I have nearly 30 years of diagnosed Panic Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Chronic Depression, OCD, and Agoraphobia so far. I’ve treated these mental issues with a combination of cognitive and drug therapy. And for the most part it has worked to integrate me back into “normal society” with varying degrees of success. Much like with any physical diagnosis there’s a bit of trial and error, and believe me when I say, there was a lot of trial and error. But I’ve made it through so far and while I am not perfect, I hold my own with the use of mindfulness and awareness.  
 
But still in a tiny little corner of my head there are those still small voices. That chip away at your sobriety or your sanity as in my case. Even now as I write, I fight with the demons in my head that remind me I am too weak, too out of control to take up this fight. Even with my vitals running in the normal ranges this morning before my meds. Those old ghost of the past are plowing and spreading their seeds of fear. So it’s up to me to breathe through it to remind myself if somethings going to happen, it will happen. And that that is alright.
 
So if you find yourself in a similar situation and you feel the walls closing in. Know that there are others that have been there with you and that understand. It’s just a matter of having enough faith in yourself to make it through.  
 
#MentalHealth #RunningLean #Focus #YouGotThis #Faith