Preaching to Myself

I initially woke up around 1:00 in the morning, went to the bathroom, got a drink of water, and tried to go back to sleep. Well it’s 2:48 in the morning and I’m still wide awake. But I know what it is, it's anxiety. Yeap, my old partner in crime the thing that always gets me in the most trouble. The main emotion I try to outrun but never can. No matter what the situation there will be those hours, days, or weeks that I will become a sleepless wreck.

You’d figure with knowing what’s going on that I could take a few deep breaths, apply some steady focus, and give myself a little self-assurance. That I’d be able to kick this habit. But no! My deep seeded worry and fear will paralyzes my mind to the point of learned helplessness. An old habit I picked up as a child and have carried with me well into adulthood. It may not be as prevalent as it used to be, but it still rears its ugly head in other forms, such as making rash decisions and other piss poor choices. Here my children will tell you I am guilty and more guilty.

But with the help of my mindfulness therapy training and recent family rescue, the toll of those poor choices has been eased considerably. But there are still those infamous quiet moments, like now. Where the ghosts of past fears spring forth like weeds in an unkept garden. So what do I do? I teach myself the lessons of reassurance, breathing, and focus over and over again. No great person or artist ever becomes great without failure. But it’s within those failings that we can often become paralyzed in the foundation of inaction. So don’t feel bad about being anxious, because I’m not preaching at you. I’m preaching at myself.