Right Here & Right Now

​Between the dreams we have, and the damage caused by those very dreams. We get caught up in the high to achieve and improve, only to end up disappointing ourselves. So what do you do? Refuse to dream? In my own life I’ve been unsatisfied with most everything in my life. From failed relationships to dreams crushed under the weight of reality. Blaming myself for my lack of motivation, the story always ended up the same. That I was no good and unworthy of love or success.

Some might say that just a little drive and inspiration were all I needed to make it through. While that might be true for some, I found that motivational speak was nothing more than made up affirmations posted on breakroom walls. I know that sounds harsh and it is. But when you’re raised in a loving home by damaged parents that loved you. Yet often told you, you were worthless…what else are you going to think?

So I sit here today writing yet another anti-motivational speech to wake myself up from the lie of worth. For a while I was told I was worthless. By my family, by neighborhood bullies, by evil teachers, and bosses – so you get it. It got so bad that when I grew up I didn’t need anyone to tell me how shitty I was. I could do that all by myself. And it was those feelings and emotions that drove my every decision, my every move. Sometimes I would get pumped about something. But the minute the high wore off, so did the motivation and then the blame.
  
So you see it was me and the people I trusted. That torn down the stability of a young child creating the cynical ass you see today. So how has my life changed? Well the spiral of self-hate and self-loathing stopped (or at least slowed down) after my mental breakdown and seeking help. My studies of Zen Buddhist philosophy and living in the present moment has helped. But the real revelation came after my first major heart attack when I learned to not fear death. That my friend opened up new avenues of insight and drive and gave me permission to be me.

So in closing let me say, all of us have dreams. Rather it’s making a billion dollars or building a cabin by a stream. Mine I suppose was to always to be heard. But even that dream takes second place to being able to see beyond the trees and clouds that I now see. And know that I am the most at peace I have ever been, right here and right now.