Silence in the Storm

That blessed blinking cursor is staring me down again daring me to come up with some witty lines. Instead I find myself staring out my office window admiring in silence at all the hues of green, brown, and blue. After a frantic Friday of phone calls and filling out forms. Yesterday I was left mentally and spiritually drained at the apparent incompetence of our government systems. Put in charge of our health insurance system with it’s totally confusing way of operating. Between state and federal systems of working, it’s basically a “Left hand don’t know what the right hand is doing” operation. Leaving millions of seniors and disabled individuals holding the bag.  

Yet while my mind is left woefully focused on such issues, the disabled part of me just wants to breakdown into a puddle of mud. Even sitting here in front of this screen now I feel a shadow surrounding my brain wanting to take me to places I really don’t want to go. It’s during these times when I’ve learned not to make rash decisions of desperation. So I stare out the window and watch the wind move the trees, without making a sound like a silent movie screen. At the moment I don’t find anything comforting in the words I write. But then again I’ve learned that sometimes it takes silence to fill the void.

Thankfully, I don’t have the responsibilities I once did to occupy my mind. I say that because a crowded house can often come apart at the seams. It seems a little silly that I would be fussing about something so trivial. But I’ve noticed that over the last several years, I just can’t hold together as well as I used too. So as visions of nothingness take over my mind. I learn to pause and embrace the silence I once feared. Knowing that despite my best efforts there is nothing that I can do at the moment. Fear is a powerful force that have brought a many a strong person to their knees. And as I know, I am one of them. But thankfully I’ve kept this house together, but right now it doesn’t feel like home.