It’s physically exhausting to feel the rapid pitter patter of a heart gone crazy. It makes me nervous, but it doesn’t hurt. It just makes drawing a breath or focusing pretty difficult. I really haven’t done anything to bring this on. It usually just appears out of nowhere. My cardiologist says it due to a damaged left ventricle not pumping enough blood. Whatever’s causing it, it’s a damn nuisance that really pisses me off.
I’ve written a many a word about the limitations my body has placed on me. The mental illnesses that plague me. The circumstances that trouble my soul. I do my damnedest not so much to ignore these things, but to accept them, then work to make things better. But believe me, under all this accepting façade, is a man who is often exhausted and afraid. So what do you do?, you may ask.
For me the thing that drove was my responsibility to others. The caretaking of my family and my responsibility to myself. Despite whatever shortcomings I feel about myself, my mindfulness training has taught me to love myself. That fear is an accepted by-product of abuse and neglect. That when examined and forgiven can take you beyond any circumstance. So as I lay here, my old heart chilling just a bit. Reminding myself that just a small act of perseverance can pull you through any perceived trouble.
All post written by
FD Thornton, Jr
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