So Be It

Image By: Sandra Saxon Burnsed

​I finally drifted off to sleep by listening to the low tone of Binaural Waves. While some of you might think that sounds a little too “New Agey” for them (my evangelical friends). It is based on science studies (trigger warning for my evangelical family). Besides I find the tones to be quite relaxing giving me about six hours of refreshing sleep. Without any  lingering aftereffects from my stress filled dreams. Outside the sun’s shining brightly, a stark contrast to the emotional isolation and loneliness I often feel.
 
Our egos aren’t easily satisfied unless they receive what they want: right then, right now. In my life I have to deal with that part of myself every day. Trained from youth to put the needs of others ahead of myself. My life became one long to-do list of obligations for my friends and family. It’s what my religious upbringing called “living a life of servitude”. What it failed to do was embrace the whole concept of “love thy neighbour… as thyself” (Mark 12:31). Leaving me with an overwhelming sense of obligation towards others, while ignoring my own needs. Now doing acts of selfless servitude is a noble pursuit. But outside the bounds of life or death, it completely ignores the need for self-care.
 
Often I find myself living with that Sword of Damocles hanging over my head. Worrying that at any moment I will end up disappointing the ones I love. But there is that small grain of self that craves acknowledgement and affection. But as with most things, what I get doesn’t satisfy. So there is an imbalance that must be overcome. Still there are times when I ask myself, why bother? Why not just except your fate and bottle up your misery just as you always have? But that isn’t working anymore. What I desire is a life of peace. Where the old habits of self-hatred and abuse don’t live anymore. So for now, my soul requires a lot of meditation, self-refection, and self-care. This often requires me to explore parts of myself some fear to tread. But in the long run it exercises the demons that have long haunted my soul. So if finding peace involves sharing my journey and sharing my pain, then so be it. Here’s my life, warts and all.