So Good At It

I’m not going to fight it, I’m wide awake again in the middle of the night. And while my words sound discouraging at least they’re honest. So if for nothing else, I must be true to myself. It’s nearly 60°f tonight and there’s not much more I can pull off to keep cool. Tomorrow evening a cold front will plow through from the West. So at least I got that to look forward to on my mission to get back to sleep. But it isn’t just the weather that’s keeping me awake. Currently my urinary tract are keeping me up with the dull reminder I still have stones.

But I’m not going to make this a “woe is me” kind of lesson. Instead I’m keeping an open dialogue with myself to reapply the glue that keeps my brain together. Agree or disagree, I am not a glass is half full kinda person. I see myself as a realist. One that looks objectively at myself and try’s my best to do better. For way, way too long I saw myself as a loser. I verbally abuse myself way more than anyone else does. Growing up bullied left a few deep impressions on your brain. Impressions so well indented, I hardly need anyone else to be critical of me, because I’ve become so good at it myself.

I could go on and on about this, but you know the story. It takes a lot of time and a lot of internal repair just to get yourself to some degree of “normalcy”. Hey, I’ve been doing this since 1999 and I’m still struggling. I guess more than anything I wanted to say, placards of affirmation and well-wishes never worked for me. But hearing other’s stories of struggle and pain did. I’d much rather hear the tales of an honest loser than any “life coach” with a paper certificate and an air-brushed smile. I’m a firm believer in “misery loves company “. Struggles are real, bruises are real, and scars are how we heal. I’m a work in progress, so don’t expect any more. We are frail finite creatures, and shouting bullshit at the wind convinces no one. Especially yourself.