Straight On Till Morning

In a sudden turn of events, what was a productive, pleasant morning. Turned into a long afternoon and evening of discomfort and restless sleep. Even now in the mid-morning, the discomfort I felt throughout the evening still surrounds my gut today. But just as I told a dear young lady a few days ago, you can overcome fear (discomfort) by “pressing on till morning”, and hopefully I have.

It’s a bright hazy day outside my window. Much too pretty to be hidden by curtains, but also much too hot to venture outdoors. Waiting for my various morning medications to kick in, I make myself a lemon iced tea to calm my stomach. While my digestive tract continues it’s all night odyssey of purging me of my sins. I knew good and well I shouldn’t have ate at that restaurant. But my wife really wanted to go, and so we went.

I didn’t make it home before the chaos begin and basically has continued till now. It’s not so much that it hurts as much as it is an inconvenience. But with the myriad of other ailments in which I suffer from. It often feels like I’m  looking in the mirror and watching yourself die by a “thousand self-inflected cuts”. But with no one to blame, at least I’m not like many of my peers. Just complaining about it waiting to die. Cause if that were the case I should have been dead years ago.
 
But I am not. I may not have the dream life I dreamt I would have, but it has been an interesting life. I come from a world of well-earned cynicism, growing up between the worlds of idealized suburban bliss. And the harsh realities of imperfect parenting, unreachable expectations, and relentless bullying. With undiagnosed mental health issues and cynicism used to cope, it’s no wonder life felt like an oxymoron. Still through the few small voices that loved me for me. I eventually learned self-compassion, which is a key to overcoming most any difficulty. All it takes is the willingness to forgive and to put in the work to do better.