Such a Phony
There are some days when I feel like such a phony. Take yesterday for example I posted a selfie basically bragging about my weight loss. Now to most that may be something to brag about, but to my damaged mind it just felt awkward and creepy. For decades I was verbally abused by family members and peers. You see, I grew up a bit of an “odd duck” I wasn’t any good at sports, I was overweight, nerdy, and worse yet I wore glasses (definitely not cool).
So I was an easy target for Type-A personalities, jocks, and just good old-fashioned bullies. Needless to say, after a lifetime of being looked down on, you start believing the hype. Much like a partisan cable news viewer, if you’re fed enough shit, shit eventually becomes fact. While I recognize that I have a self-esteem issue, that fact will not correct my thinking. In order for me to de-program my brain, I have to forgive myself, practice self-love, and give myself a little compassion.
None of this is easy, when I was reading the comments I received from that post. I felt awkward and a bit like a phony, like I was some “Desperate Danny” fishing for likes and compliments. Look I’m just being honest here, I don’t take compliments well. The mind is a really hard thing to rewire. So like many of you, I see my faults with a glaring spotlight. It’s not easy, but by recognizing those negative seeds, you learn to stop watering them. Understand that you are worthy of love. Now I can tell you that all day, but until you start practicing self-worth, compassion, and forgiveness; nothing much is going to happen. So be kind to yourself and remember love begins and ends with you.
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FD Thornton, Jr
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