The Blinding Glare

The sun is blinding as it blares through the windows this morning. I just throwed down my morning dose of happy, sad, and necessary. I rub the unshaven scruff on my face thinking I should have taken a shower. But being a man and knowing I haven’t got anywhere to go anyway, why change my drawers now. But I’m not totally uncivilized, so I did rub on some deodorant. The passing days can turn into passing weeks and months if you’re not careful. So I do my best to engage with the people who are close to me.

But lately even they have become distant, and I don’t believe it’s got anything to do with me. It’s just another sign of the times where we get so caught up doing what we do that we forget how to live. Working on a new book draft has allowed me to reflect a lot on my life. And one of the things I’ve noticed is all the time I wasted doing life. Meaning, I spent a good chunk of my adult life being a provider and well…an adult. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with that; it just seems that now as an older adult, I see the monotony of it all.

While I’m sure that there are those out there that disagree and that I should “get a hobby”. For many older Americans we simply don’t have that choice. We are either working still just to keep up with the cost of living. Raising grandkids that our own children are unable to raise. Or as in my situation, taking care of a spouse and an adult child that can’t take care of themselves. I guess it all comes down to, what do we define as living? Is it going through the motions with little joy or satisfaction? Is it lived to honor ourselves? Or a little bit of both? Damn, it’s hard for me to say right now. Because of the holding pattern I find myself in. All I know is, there’s more to life than just the blinding glare of the sun.