The Past Therein

Like peeling back the layers of an onion, pieces of my past present themselves in many different ways. I suppose it’s my mindfulness practice that has opened the door to these unresolved issues. Often, I wish I could just close this Pandora’s Box and leave it be. But it is what it is, so if I really want to keep moving forward. I suppose I must continue to open these locked doors and forgive myself and the past therein.

Recently I have been having the strangest and most disturbing dreams. Dreams where I confront relationships from my past. Seeing images of my family and the imperfections that bind us together. Of the past mistakes and the messed-up consequences that have brought me where I am today. They are disturbing and often wake me from a sound sleep. Still I’m trying to deal with them as they are, accepting them and forgiving myself and others for the things I went through. 

I’m not really sure why I’m bringing any of this up. I mean, most mindfulness teaching discusses the more peaceful aspects of the practice. And while I do feel relief for many of my traumatic issues, it often comes at the price of reliving them again.
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I have walked through much of my life not being who I really am. Putting on the make-up of a clown or a cynic just to bury the true emotions that I carry. I suppose it all stems from the fear of rejection and abandonment. From the moments where I felt so totally alone. Whatever the reasons, reminding myself of those hurts often gives me prospective. Prospective into the lives of those I have hurt and those who have hurt me. Thereby creating compassion, not only for myself, but for the ghost around me.