The Words I Pen

FD Thornton

Waiting for a handout is never easy. At least it’s not for me. Raising four kids in less than ideal circumstances is never easy, especially after uprooting your family just to pursue a silly dream. As a young man I was convinced I could save the world. In a previous life I was guided by the principles that the word of God would save us all. But my world changed in '99, leaving a hollow space where faith once stood. Still shadows linger, a constant reminder of what was lost. 

My wife is very critical of my attitude towards established religion. But after the trauma I’ve experienced for the last 26 years, she’s understanding of my attitude. But I do have to admit that recently my hardline attitude towards faith has mellowed mostly due to my own children’s attitudes toward practicing faith. I don’t really care to get into the nuts and bolts about why I don’t value faith anymore. That’s more of a personal thing people should keep to themselves.

I have always been a bit of a people pleaser. Feeling that since I had such low self-worth, the only way to have friends was to cater to their every whim. This forced me into a life of servitude in a way becoming a master of disguise never revealing too much of what lied deep inside. It was my way of protecting that inner child that feared being bullied and shunned over and over again. 

I am a chameleon who can be witty for the crowd, stone cold with my family, and a raw nerve with myself. I am all of these things, where wealth and fame are but distant dreams. For life is a frantic squirrel chase, where my basket was always empty. Not for lack of trying, but now I see that wealth and fame are goals I refuse to compromise for.  I now pursue life for peace and contentment, and while I still may put on a show, I understand that true freedom is found in the words I pen.