After a myriad of delays from washing sheets to taking my meds, I finally have time to stop and work on a story. But by the time I actually got to sit down, the inspiration I had earlier was all but gone. Now this news isn’t anything new for those of us that dip our toes into our creative impulses. Obligations and chores are just a part of life. Still for me it is quite aggravating to be dragged away from something I enjoy doing. You figure I’d be used to this by now considering my caregiving responsibilities. My empathic impulses would say to practice patience and servitude with a joyful heart. But my selfish ego/pleasure-driven side just wants to do what it wants to do.
My religious upbringing would obviously tell me to have the heart of a servant. To live with the contentment to do what I was called to do. To put away those selfish passions that for me cry out to create. For most all my life this was a consistent paradox, a fight most believers of faith are taught is simply a fight of good and evil. At least that’s the message I was taught. That whatever deity you were taught to worship takes precedence over everything else. In my case that precedence means, “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one”. But who knows, maybe I’m just typing out my frustrations, attacking windmills as they appear.
I guess all my Zen lessons were right, that all things must be done in balance. That tipping the scale from one extreme to the other usually causes nothing but pain and loss. Causing you to lose sight of whatever it is that brings contentment and awareness. These little vignettes I write are my way of venting the frustration and fear that I feel every day. To wallow in self-pity and victimization only creates anger and mistrust. As I smell the faint hint of laundry detergent on my hands. I’m reminded that everything needs a little freshening up. When frustrated with how life is turning out. Step back for a moment, be aware of the emotions you are feeling. Give them a voice and embrace them. Because all your feelings are valid and deserve a chance to have their say.
My religious upbringing would obviously tell me to have the heart of a servant. To live with the contentment to do what I was called to do. To put away those selfish passions that for me cry out to create. For most all my life this was a consistent paradox, a fight most believers of faith are taught is simply a fight of good and evil. At least that’s the message I was taught. That whatever deity you were taught to worship takes precedence over everything else. In my case that precedence means, “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one”. But who knows, maybe I’m just typing out my frustrations, attacking windmills as they appear.
I guess all my Zen lessons were right, that all things must be done in balance. That tipping the scale from one extreme to the other usually causes nothing but pain and loss. Causing you to lose sight of whatever it is that brings contentment and awareness. These little vignettes I write are my way of venting the frustration and fear that I feel every day. To wallow in self-pity and victimization only creates anger and mistrust. As I smell the faint hint of laundry detergent on my hands. I’m reminded that everything needs a little freshening up. When frustrated with how life is turning out. Step back for a moment, be aware of the emotions you are feeling. Give them a voice and embrace them. Because all your feelings are valid and deserve a chance to have their say.
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