To Myself

I didn’t want to wake up angry, but after a violent bowel movement, stopping the washing machine from tearing itself apart, and finding wet dirty clothes mixed with clean clothes. You can say I’m in a pretty foul mood. With the skies outside clouding up for the upcoming showers, me and Buffy are stuck in the room stewing over a shitty, yet seemingly correct horoscope. But there I feel better now getting that off my chest. Without a news site, email, or text message open; I’m sitting here working on my Zen listening compassionately to myself.

Yesterday was fairly productive I spent part of the day chasing down who will hopefully be our new landlord. Having her reassure me to our application was fine that she’s still waiting on corporate to okay it. Meanwhile I sit on a ticking timebomb of my own creation worrying about things beyond my control. And that, my friend may be the gist of this story. A dear friend mentioned in an IG post, “If it doesn’t honor peace, my growth, or my magic. I’m out”. Remembering does works definitely strikes a cord with my soul. For far too long I have been allowing the “What If’s” of life rob me of my joy.

As a realist it’s hard to accept any kind of good news without shoring up my backside for whatever backlash my fouled up optimism will bring. I’m sorry but that’s just the way I’m wired. In the business I was called “The Boy Scout” because I was always prepared for the worst case scenario. It is also the way I prep myself for the disappointments of life. It’s my shield, my armor against any form of attack. And believe me when I tell you I was attacked a lot. But in my Pseudo-Buddhist practice I call on the energy of nature (God) to remind me that “This to shall past”. Clearing my mind and through awareness I am able (most of the time) to just chill out. In closing with whatever faith you practice, if any. Don’t bury the pain free yourself and focus on connection and the symmetry of it all.