We Feel

Well I woke up with another headache, this one I’ll predict will probably last for years. Trauma was something I thought I had gotten over the last few years. I mean my health seem to be improving, my outlook on life was good, my kids all seem to be in a good place, and the few friends I have were finally seeing the light of day. You know, times were tough, but life was good. Then with two conversations my entire house of cards came crashing down.

I’m one of those people that can keep it together during a crisis, I’m sure my family will attest. I may not make the wisest decisions, but I make them. But lately I find myself questioning my own faith. That is the faith I have in myself. Apparently I’m one of the last dinosaurs that their offspring have grown beyond. A lot of my peers look down on the decisions their children often make. But in the case of my children, for the most part, they’ve made pretty good decisions. The running joke in our house has always been, “don’t do it like Dad”. And so far, it appears that adage holds true, don’t do it like Dad.
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I’ve always propped myself up by saying, “do what you got to do, no matter the cost”, “that family comes before self”. It’s a truth I saw my Dad live over and over again. But it’s also a truth that killed my father at the age of 59. I felt like I was doing better, being more proactive with my physical health and mental illness. But who knows, maybe I was wrong? These words are hard to write, they maybe even hard to read. But I’m more than sure there are millions of men and women that feel the same way. All I’m doing is giving that pain a voice. And hopefully, it’s a voice you and I can use to release the pain and guilt we feel.