For those of us that live under the umbrella of mental illness. Often our specific mental problems can flare up at moments without notice. Since my initial diagnosis back in 1999, I’ve lived with the fear that my symptoms can pop up without warning. Rather that makes you feel many of less of me doesn’t really matter. I made my peace with my condition a long time ago. Still with all the knowledge I possess about my condition; the triggers, the treatments, and the after effects. I am often still disappointed with myself because I let it happen…again.
I know, I know I shouldn’t allow myself to walk this path. But the complexities of depression mixed in with a lot of self-esteem issues. It’s easy to take the path of least resistance and blame only yourself for what’s going on. So here I am, in a darkened room fighting a headache, fatigue, and anxiousness. Wishing for a kind word while not wanting to hear any word at all. I’ve been surrounded by patronizing words of solace and pity. Not to mention the advice of “turn it over to the Lord” or “just let it go”. Such things have offered me little comfort over the last 20+ years. Whereby only heaping even more feelings of guilt and unworthiness on me.
So I do what I do best…I wait. Allowing the words and condemnation to swirl around me. It may not seem like the smartest thing to do, but burying or suppressing the emotions doesn’t work either. So left to my own devices I ride through the storm. So far I’m doing okay considering. Maybe it’s just the experience itself that pulls me through. That maybe the act of repeating this shit show lessens the impact. I don’t know what to tell you, at the moment I’m the last person to ask advice. Cause right now I’m in survival mode just trying to get through the day.
A couple of days ago, I wrote about the feelings of depression that can often overcome my soul. And that pretty much nothing can pull me out of that funk but time. While time is an important element in my getting over the blues, so to are self-love and forgiveness. At the moment I’m looking at a very trying situation both physically and financially. So while I allowed myself a time to mourn, I woke up with a new sense of resolve and purpose to get through this day.
Don’t know how to explain it other than that. Maybe it’s a built-in reflex or something? Or maybe it’s a learned trait from my family? All I know is after I give myself time to grieve, the loneliness and desperate emotions leave. My main sense of escape comes from sitting outside and letting my mind grab ahold of nature. The passing of the wind, the singing of the birds, even the buzzing of the gnats offers a certain amount of comfort. When you allow your mind to be overwhelmed by the manmade world, often you’re left confused and sad.
But I’ve learned that focusing on the simple tone of the bell or the repetitive called of a bird, can bring me back to the moment I really need to be. The here and now. There’s no voodoo aspect to it, very much like prayer it’s the quieting of the mind and the listening of the heart. Right now I’m focused, and I got my contingency plans in place. I know that eventually better things will happen. I’ve seen too many examples in my own life to think otherwise. So continue on your journey, learn the value of forgiveness, and know that in everyone’s life rain must fall.