My Go To

Growing up I was full of doubt and fear, but at the same time I had the gift of bluster. It was my go to defense mechanism when fear and abuse was overtaking me. Because people can be cruel, especially when you’re young. But over the decades I had to learn to be strong. Now that I had a family had to quickly learn to be the strong one. It’s just that as my family grew older; what many see as a valued quality, became a cruel ploy to manipulate others. Being the strong one has it’s advantages. You cool under fire, have greater awareness, and seem to be a natural leader. But that being said, you can be overbearing, closed-minded, as well as abusive. In fact it can end up just as abusive as the ones that abused you.

I often show little patience with those around me, especially when a challenging situation rears its ugly head. Like I said, it’s considered a noble quality to those that admire strength. But I’ve seen the flip side of the coin, where drive and determination often wrecks fragile hearts. I’m doing my best to be more compassionate but often the fire brand of survival gets the best of me. And while it may seem admirable to pull one’s self up by the bootstraps. In reality it’s a quality that beyond just yourself come be abusive and aloof.  

You know I may be wrong about all this, but as I search my soul for greater peace and understanding, it seems vividly clear. While we all need to carry a certain amount of drive and determination. When we allow that bravado to override our decency and compassion, who are really helping? I like to think I’ve grown a lot over the years. But when growth continues to bury deeper that damaged child, have we really solved any of our problems? I don’t know, this is just shit I been asking myself the past day or so. Especially with all the crazy going on around me at the moment.  ​