Don’t panic, just breathe. That’s what I tell myself when feel the old ticker is fibulating. I’m never quite sure if it’s a physical or mental thing. I guess that’s what makes it an adventure, I suppose. Still I find that calm measured breathes help. I’ve lived both ends of a varied life. One where I hustled and struggled for every dime; and one were taking it easy is now a necessity.
 
To be honest, neither is great option. Yet one often leads straight into the other. But it makes me wonder if some of today’s modern medical miracles have robbed humanity of its natural order. I mean is living a life where you have to tiptoe over landmines like A-fib or CHF really living? Or should we be destined to live and die by our life choices? I know it’s a shitty thing to think about and besides I suck at philosophy. 
​
Hell, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, art. Through the benefit of medical science and a healthy dose of fear, I’ve learned to slowdown. And in doing so, I’ve learned to develop my creative talents and grow with them. So while evolution may say, “only the strongest survive”. The cognitive mind often says, “Wait a moment, I have a solution for that”. Every day we wrestle with the natural order of things to accomplish our goals. But in the end, it’s quality not the quantity that makes it all special. So don’t live in fear of the moment. Embrace it and see where it goes. 

Surprise. Surprise. I’m awaken from a sound sleep…again. This time by an extremely foul taste in my mouth and the slightest flutter of my heart. The foul month I could explain away as the remnants of meat laden meal. But the atrial flutter, well I hadn’t had one in a while. Maybe it’s just me over doing it yesterday?
 
Aches and pains are certainly nothing new to me. Given my amped up sensitivity to change via panic and anxiety. It’s something I’m often confused by, meaning, I don’t know rather to stay or go. The classic fight or flight reaction. Sometimes if I just calm myself, the emotions and physical manifestations will soon disappear. But often that’s easier said than done. 
So I’m left either continuing to fear my state of health. Or discovering what a paranoid fool I am. It’s basically a no-win situation, that leaves me physically and mentally spent. So I sit once again frozen in my indecisiveness. 
​
God, I wish I could give you an answer for this shit. I guess my one true weapon is honesty. To stop hiding behind excuses and being very candid about my situation. Putting my words to this screen makes this my confessional I suppose. It may not be a perfect system, but for now it’s all I got. Making me accountable, at least to myself. Don’t let your physical or mental health dictate your happiness or joy. Do the best you can. Seek professional guidance. Do it for yourself, you’re not alone. 

There are moments when I feel stuck. You know, stuck in my position in life, stuck in some bad situation, or just plain stuck in a moment. Being who I am, I can’t help but have a little pity party for myself. The kind where the world’s just not fair and everyone’s out to get me. It’s 2:38 in the morning, I was awakened from a sound sleep my body’s urge to pee. So to kill time before I reclaim my dreamland, I checked out a little Instagram. Scrolling through the images, I see the happy productive lives of my peers. And like a poison all those post were telling me nothing except I’ll never measure up.
 
Now I don’t mean to sow bad seed on those I follow. It’s just that at vulnerable moments like this, I feel like the rest of the world’s moving while I’m stuck in the moment. But if I think for a moment and look deeper into the relationships I’ve formed, I realize we all struggle. That there are times when we all have to give ourselves a little pep talk just to make through another day.
​ 
But again being who I am, the weeds of doubt and fear continue to bloom. I don’t care how much you may want your garden free of weeds. At some point you’re going the have to put in a little work and rake and hoe it out. Some prefer out to just stray their garden with poison for a quick fix. But doing so choke’s away much the life you’re actually trying to grow. So don’t feed yourself a constant diet of self-doubt and hatred. Rejoice at the accomplishments of you friends. Then be willing to put in the work to clean out your own plant beds.