Blog Archives - TRUTH-LIES...with FD Thornton

Saddest Gift of All

3/31/2024

This is about as good as you’re going to get with my winkled up ass. I took my Saturday shower and pulled out a fresh razor for you. At around 61 ½ years old I’m not so much impressed with how I look at this age as I am just being this age. Despite the laundry list of things wrong with me. My doctors don’t seem to be too overly concerned with any particular problem of mine. There are moments when my health anxiety comes in handy when it comes to monitoring my physical health.

Thinking about a lot of people I know I worry about them both physically and mentally. I notice the subtle changes in cognitive decline and the apparent declines in their physical health. It gives me pause to wonder if they just don’t worry about it or if they’ve just given up. While age and decline go hand in hand, I can’t help but think, ain’t they worried about their quality of life? I remember my parents, especially my father. The only way you’d get him to the doctor was kicking and screaming. My mom wasn’t quite as bad, but the lack of money and an inherent lack of discipline, kept her unhealthy as well.

They both died suddenly, each two and half years younger than I am now. Bringing up such a morbid subject is a real life example of how not to live your life. Life should be experienced to the fullest, with each of us fighting tooth and nail to drain every last drop of it. While I am nowhere near the shining example of how to live a full life. I do my damnest to make sure those around me do. Maybe my sense of sacrifice seems a bit twisted. That’s because I got to build up enough karma points to keep my ass from coming back as a baboon. But to know to do and not even try, is the saddest gift you can give yourself and those you love.

What We Have To Do

3/25/2024

After a restful night the usual morning sounds of leaf blowers and lawnmowers fills the air. But with a gusty cold breeze blowing from off the coast, it seems like the yard crew's efforts are just spitting in the wind. But as long as the check clears I guess you do what you got to do. Awaking up to my usual inadequacies that often haunt my mind about this time of the month. I kick myself for not being smarter or not thinking more about practical things. But as the icy cold wind blows across my back, I’m reminded that even the best of days often come with a price.

So I sit here watching the leaves on the sycamore tree and the fig plant blossom and get bigger by the day. Thinking that despite the bitter cold wind, they’re still growing. So one lesson I take from that is, criticism in itself isn’t such a bad thing. Just as long as you allow yourself to grow in its grace. By not giving in to the fear that can cripple you to inactivity.

So many times I know what the right thing is to do. But I find myself bound by the chains of self-doubt so tightly that I cannot seem to break free. Without the assistance of cognitive therapy, medication, and the practice of mindfulness. I seriously doubt I would be here today. But I’m not going to sit here and blow smoke up your ass and tell you “I am the way”. It takes work, hard continuous work to achieve my limited amount of balance. But like nature itself, there’s a certain perfection in imbalance. An awareness that keeps us on our toes. Keeping us on top of doing what we have to do.

Never Done Without

3/24/2024

I took a cushion off one of my porch rockers and put it on my office chair. The padding in my office chair has been giving way for a while now, causing my butt to go numb. And since I got no money to go to the secondhand store and get another chair I figured I’d make do with what I have. I know I’ve told this story at least a few hundred times about my grandmothers raising families during the Great Depression and World War 2 respectively. Of how my Grandma T saved every scrap of food to reuse in another dish. While my Granny G had to raise a family on wartime ration coupons for just about everything.

I was lucky born in the early 60’s, my dad had a great factory job, and bought a home in the suburbs on the GI Bill. My mother didn’t have to have a job other than being a housewife and a mother. Living in a quiet working class neighborhood, we have not gotten everything we wanted, but we never did without. Heading into my teenage years, things started to change. The once idealistic 60’s turned into the disillusionment of the 1970’s, with the oil embargo, runaway inflation, and high interest rates (sound familiar?) Graduating the next decade didn’t make it any better, with factory jobs disappearing and low-wage service jobs becoming the career choice.

Through the struggles of raising a large family on one income with a disabled spouse wasn’t much fun. But with the know how I learned from my grandparents and my parents, we survived. Looking out the window at the partly cloudy skies. I still hear the morning birds sing, I see our tuxedo cat sleeping quietly on the bed, while my bride writes her endless notes so she can remember. I know I will survive. I still struggle to free my mind every day of the troubles that haunt me. But it’s good to know I can still take a deep breath and remember. That despite all the little things that weigh me down, with love I have never done without.

Moments of Joy

3/20/2024

The window in my room gives me a clear view of the world outside. As guards from the state prison and crews from the electric cooperative drive by heading to work. Sprinkle in a few dozen log trucks and their logging crews, and you get a picture of a normal morning here in Alamo, Georgia, USA. For me it is a bitterly cold morning as the last hours of winter hang on. Our son who has Autism is up early playing his usual series of newscast themes way too loudly over and over again. But as he claps and hums in delight, I try and not let it bother me.

I’d much rather be outside under the Sycamore tree typing away in silence. But with the cold I have my floor heater fired up and my heavy winter clothes on, doing what I love to do. Passion is a funny thing; it can either bring you peace or it can drive you mad. After over a decade of numbness doing what I had to do to provide. I’ve rediscovered my passion for the written word again. So nearly every day I find myself jotting down some limerick or thought, oftentimes making sense, but sometimes not.

So as the calico cat gets between me and the heater. I’m reminded of the many days when I traveled nights and weekends to various jobs I had over the years. Knowing good and damn well there was no passion involved only the obligation of earning a living. Even at my lowest point mentally I had to pick myself up and go to work. But after my journey into the abyss, there’s no denying the joy I’ve found in doing what I love. So pursue your passions, create a balance between your obligations and what brings you happiness. Nobody ever said it would be easy. But working to create balance in your life will create for you moments of joy.

Learn From It

3/18/2024

This day is zipping on by, it’s already 11 am, and the good Baptists are parked and ready for church. As for myself I’m up and dressed, took my medicine, called my father-in-law, and yes Mom I made the bed. I normally would be outside but the clouds from out of the west suggest otherwise. So I’m sitting here at the laptop for a change, listening to the birds outside my window. Lord knows I wish I could come up with some wise words for you. But I’m just sitting here a little chilly staring out the window at the church parking lot.

They just rang the bell to call everyone to service and for a brief moment even the birds were quiet. The sound remains of the many calls to service I heard throughout my life. Some with many you out there reading, that remember the services we attended together. But that was a lifetime ago and unlike an old snapshot things change. For the good or the bad, time marches on and we never really stay the same. Environment and/or circumstance often change our attitudes and opinions of a great many things.

As much as I like to think that I haven’t really changed, it would be foolish to think that I have not. For as with age, the birth of a child, or changes in social standing. All things change. But at its core it’s that little nugget of fear at the bottom of our brain that pushes us forward. For better or for worse, it conditions us to look for the familiar to look for home. I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t fear the change. Embrace the good as well as the bad and learn from it. Gain from it understanding and compassion we all need to survive.

All The Peace I See

3/16/2024

The lingering scent of rain blows through my bedroom windows. With the curtains pulled back the bright morning in sharp contrast to yesterday’s clouds and rain. We got an invitation to see our grandchild, so we spent a few hours at our daughter’s house. So Granny can get her one on one time with our newest grandchild. At the moment I’m waiting for lunch to finish cooking. With an ice pack across my head with a heating pad across my neck.

I know this may seem like a pitiful sight stuck in the house on such a nice day. But actually I quite content with the current state in which I am in. Knowing good and well, the situation could be far worse. Lately my focus has been on gratitude. Looking not only at my own situation, but at the wellbeing of those around me. When you take your focus and place it beyond just yourself. The more your awareness shines a light on the things you need to correct in yourself.

Being introspective doesn’t mean having to heap guilt upon yourself so you can have a peaceful existence. It means being grateful for what you do have. While at the same time seeking restitution from yourself with love and forgiveness. I am far from being a perfect man. My sins towards myself and others could fill a warehouse. But in order to find peace, it means I must be consistently kind and giving. And if you know me well, you know just how flawed I am in that department. But with the stillness of mindfulness and the strength of awareness. I can more deeply appreciate all the beauty I see.

Second Hand

3/13/2024

Sitting beneath the fig leaves covered by their partial shade. The springtime sun still beats down relentlessly making it seem hotter than it is. I just came from town still wearing the Izod Polo shirt my daughter bought for me second hand at a garage sale. Dressed the part of an educated middle class senior, I feel like such an imposter in my secondhand clothes. Pretending to be someone my fears tell me I am not. For years I could cover myself in a blanket of false bravado, when it came to conversation and fitting in with those I once thought were out of reach. But now fitting in feels more like a chore and something I’d rather avoid.

My bride blessed with a genuine innocence, worries little about sophisticated conversation or attire. Guided by pure emotion she gets along well with most anyone. While I struggle to do the same, feeling like I’m just wasting time of those around me. Many people have told me I have a gift for conversation and writing. But when listening to their praises it gives me pause. For deep in my head that abusive voice keeps screaming I am nothing.

But just as a bumble bee flies around my feet seemingly ill-equipped for its task. I do my best to push through such mental obstacles, if for nothing else but my own survival. So please, be mindful of the words you choose. For words are still a sharp dagger even when it’s elegantly adorned. It’s easy for me to sit here and think peaceful thoughts, with only the noise of a few passing cars. But when faced with traffic and the chores of life, seeing beyond the distractions is no easy task. You must be able to recognize the beauty within yourself. Then choose to accept and forgive those abusive voices that quietly overshadow your mind.

The Blink of an Eye

3/12/2024

Funny how plans many times get changed in the blink of an eye. Yesterday I purchased my annual Georgia state park pass of free access to all of the state parks in Georgia. I got it with the intent of putting it to good use right away. Well after a fairly reasonable night of sleep, I was awaken early this morning by old friend, my messed up digestive tract. It’s not a pleasant subject to approach but until they build a walking trail with a restroom every 75’ I’m stuck here at home.

The thing that makes it really sad is the fact that it’s beautiful outside. Partly cloudy with just a hint of chill in the morning air. But for the moment I’ll just have to be content laying under a blanket with a weighted heating pad and a cat on my belly. But obstacles are nothing new for humankind to face. Every since the discovery of fire and the development of tools, humans have learned to adapt and overcome. Still unexpected or chronic situations can blow away even the best of intentions.

But as disappointed as I am with my plan to have a brisk walk changed. I still got the opportunity to jot this little something down. It's so easy to whine and complain when life throws you an inconvenience. Believe me I know. But in the silence of my blessed life, I’ve learned that a change in plans doesn’t always mean disappointment. Often change can be hard. But with the right attitude change can led to a clearer perspective and ever more opportunity later down the road.

See It Though

3/10/2024

After missing an entire week of warm weather and sunshine due to doctor’s appointments. Today I’m finally able to go outside. The warm air is being kind to the plants and the leaves on the fig tree/bush are beginning to form. While the surrounding dogwoods are now in full bloom, the remaining flowering trees and bushes are budding and nearly ready to bloom. With the eastern breeze there’s a slight hint of sweetness in the air. Everyone in town seems to be a little livelier and busier than usual. Maybe they’re just like me ready to shake off the cold and have a new beginning.

Still I’m a little apprehensive to say it’s springtime just yet. Remembering all too well how last winter fooled us with that one last blast of cold that killed nearly every bloom in sight. While the forecast this weekend calls for rain and storms. This morning I’m going to enjoy the spring like weather while I can. This whole winter season I’ve just been so tired. It seems like the cold has had me bound in periods of no life and no energy. So I’m ready to free myself of these winter shackles and bathe in the sunshine and rains of spring.

But change never comes without some resistance. Winter often puts up a fight before giving in to spring. Know that with change there’s also hope, that no matter the outcome growth is always there. So no matter what you believe always remember that after a long winter’s, there’s always the rebirth in spring. So never give up during your struggles, rest while you can, and work for the renewal. Nothing is worth having unless you put in the effort to see it through.

What Do You Hear?

3/8/2024

Lost in the most vivid dream, my mind was awakened by a burning question: Why? What did the dream mean? Was it a lesson or simply a release? I dreamt of a familiar old strip mall, a place my family frequented in my youth, transforming into a dark mountainous valley. The cheerful facades of the stores crumbled away, replaced by imposing slate-grey mountains reaching up to the glare of a new dawn. The dream itself wasn't unpleasant, but still unsettling. In a way that it showed things once accepted but now out of touch. Within the maze of towering peaks, I saw familiar faces of people I thought I knew, all caught up in pronouncements of duty and displays of prideful arrogance.

The grace of awareness can be a freeing thing. Yet, with freedom comes the burden of being self-aware, that constantly pressured to be better. Especially in a world where kindness and understanding seem scarce. The daily news bombards me with burdens that feel too heavy for any one person to bear. My upbringing instilled in me a deep empathy, yet now the world often seems indifferent to such things. This dissonance leaves me confused and silent. How can we call ourselves compassionate when we turn a deaf ear to pain?

Some call me an empath, others a cynic. But the truth lies somewhere in between. My nature is to give everything to my family, often neglecting my own needs. In the dream, the strip mall transformed into a beautiful yet imposing landscape. It felt like a romanticized scene, a picture of fulfillment that masked a deeper truth. As humans, are a complex mix of emotions, shaped by the information we absorb. We crave acceptance, which can sometimes lead us to blindly follow the crowd, where truth becomes obscured by convenience. So be mindful of the world around you. There's a vital difference between what your spirit whispers and what the world wants you to hear.