I often wake up in the morning, knowing “good an damn well” I got pills to take and testing to do. Yet I’ll lay right there and do nothing till I start feeling Ill. With my Type 2 diabetes, I’ll either ignore my morning test or worse yet not eat anything till I’m about ready to pass out. I’m not sure if it’s just laziness or lack of motivation make me this way. Or if it’s the lingering effect of my good-old self-destructive behavior. 

I suppose I should ponder these things and take appropriate action. Instead, I just chalk it up to having a bad day and let the shit go. Right now I got a lot of shit on my plate. So I’m giving myself a hard pass on the guilt and lofty expectations. Because I see people that push themselves hard to achieve a goals, only to be left disappointed time and time again. Listen I know how it feels to be disappointed. To reach out for the brass ring, only to get knocked off that horse. 
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There’s nothing wrong with having goals. In fact I have achieved a number of life goals over the years. The thing I am saying is, don’t beat yourself up over circumstance. Life’s both a hard journey and a boring routine, with the occasional moments of joy sprinkled in-between. Don’t let bad moments steal your joy or your purpose. Take a breath and know that the sun will eventually come out again. 

I took a of days off, simply answering a couple messages and editing some friend’s work. Sometimes inspiration comes to me in waves, other times it’s has to be forced out. One of the most fascinating things about telling stories are the responses I get back. It’s interesting to read the comments and see the points others pull from my words. 
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When I first started publishing my stories publicly, I was so afraid other people would be critical of my words. And yes, there were critics that either disagreed with my thoughts or felt the need to correct my grammar. I first started publishing my thoughts on specialized forums like the mental health forum “Panic No More” and a student forum at the “University of Phoenix”. With each I gained confidence and grew as a writer. I then started a blog on “Blogger” (which is still there) back in 2011. Eventually there came the eBooks, then the paperbacks through Kindle Digital Publishing (available through Amazon). All the while working to build my business career.

To say I’m successful at writing would be laughable, but say I love doing it would be an understatement. Success and fame are alright, I’ve had those things before in another life. But happiness, freedom, and respect are far better. In whatever you do, find joy and find passion; as a Systems Analyst I felt rewarded, but at the same time I felt a tremendous amount of stress and confinement. Eventually that and my own personal mental baggage caused my downfall and a much-needed reevaluation of myself. All I can tell you is, thrive at what you are doing because you never know. But if you find no joy in it, don’t be afraid to let it go. 

Me and George have moved outside, to enjoy as much of this sunny weather as we can. The forecast for the rest of the week is cloudy and rainy, so before the cold and wet weather moves in, we’re going to toss balls and dig holes. I’m sitting in here in my rocker typing away, while George lays in the sun chews on his favorite stick, a limb from one of my sycamore trees. I definitely don’t mind days like this, it makes tending to this overgrown puppy bearable. Not that I don’t like George, but I left my child rearing behind years ago. 

Some see me as lucky to be able to pursue my passions. I suppose I should acknowledge the blessing, but it didn’t come without a price. Years, decades of struggle created this path. Years of trial and error to discover the right fit for me. For all my planning and preparing I did, only to see those plans completely throw out the window. I guess what I’m trying to say is change is not always a bad thing. But at the same time it’s not always a good thing either. 

What makes change work is one’s willingness to accept who you are and work from there. I mean hey, I have a Master’s Degree in Business Administration with a concentration in Business Systems Analysis. Yet here I am babysitting a six-month old brown Labrador. Do you think maybe I’m over qualified for this position?
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You see while making my plans to be a Project Manager/Systems Analyst, my body and soul had something else in mind. Both of these situations turned my world upside down. But by first accepting my circumstance, I in turn discovered who I really am. Taking the pieces of what was a shattered life and created a blessing. This is not some trick you can learn, it’s just something you do through trial and error. 

Well it’s kinda been a busy morning. Not that I’ve been doing anything productive. I mean I got supper going in the crock pot and I took care of a few overdue messages I needed to send. Other than that, I’m nailed to the house with my usual digestive issues. It’s funny, but for over 20 years one thing or the other has seemingly conspired against me to pin me down. 

I suppose I could overanalyze the whole situation and blame it on outside forces or better yet blame myself. But a number of years back, I just decided to quit worrying about it anymore. I have friends that are always trying to reinvent themselves. To take what is theirs and somehow create something new. I don’t know, I’ve tried that so many times that I just don’t see how it’s worth the effort. 

Maybe I’m lazy or maybe I’m just a fool. But after looking over the edge, a tremendous amount of the fear I carried, just went away. I don’t know how many of you can relate, but improving one’s self isn’t a bad thing. I fact self-improvement is a healthy thing. But some habits just aren’t worth the trouble or the time. I’ve noticed that just by learning to be: to be quiet, to listen, and to breathe are enough to change the problems within us. 
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Listen I got no magic formula to sell you. No got rich quick scheme or 16 habits to make you better. I’m just me. But I do love to tell a story, and I figured the story I know best is my own. Hell I doubt I’ll ever get rich or famous, and frankly I don’t care. All I know is I have a decent roof over my head. A toilet that works. And my kids I can call if I’m ever in real trouble. So what else does one need, then to be honest and respected? 

I’m looking out the window, while George is napping on the couch. After wearing the dog out, I had breakfast, took my pills, and caught up on my messages. So right now, I’m just breathing. Focusing on nothing in particular other than listening to the central heating unit, the ceiling fan, and the occasional car passing by the window. You take your moments when you can. Because at some point those moments will disappear.

I don’t need to go into any more detail about how my weeks been. It seems that whatever “shit points” I collected decided they needed to be cashed in. So after six days of stressful hell, I can finally take a breath. George is up whining for attention, not much differently than any other situation I’m facing. But for the moment, it’s just me, some jazz playing over the Google Dot, and George now gnawing on a toy.
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So what’s the point, you say? Well, everything. As humans cannot function without rest. Even our fight or flight instinct shuts down after a while. Listen, I’ve already pushed myself to the edge and the damage has been done, so I can’t afford any more stress. So I need moments like this to rest and recharge. After all, life’s too short to relay on adrenaline all the time. So go find yourself, find your center, and be at peace during your troubles. For this too shall pass. 

Having a little trouble getting to sleep. Been listening to some old records on Spotify. Not so much to remind of the old times, but I suppose to remind me of the times that never were. We’re told to forget the past, to blaze for ourselves new trails. But honestly every time I tried that, I only ended up being blocked by my past. I always felt like I was trying to live someone else’s life. That the dreams I was grabbing onto weren’t really my own. Maybe I’m just being some lazy old SOB, but I truly feel the moment cannot be met without first facing your past.

I may often dwell too much in a melancholy past. But it’s in those moments where I find perspective, not so much in a point of view, but in looking at things from all angles. In other words, why? Why can’t I just accept destiny and accept my fate? Why am I not driven? Why am I so unhappy? Lord knows I don’t have any answers, I wouldn’t even pretend too. But the fact remains, the past cannot so much be forgotten as it can be forgiven.
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Etched across my mind is the image of God reaching out to man. I’m sure it’s painted across the ceiling of a church somewhere. For me it represents either the bonding of two souls or the healing of the past to the present. Both of these things I try and reconcile. Neither is an easy task; but they were tasks often hold my mind captive. I understand that some philosophies wish me face truth then let go. But in all honesty, I simply don’t wish to let go. For one is a vision I frankly hang my sanity on to, while the other offers me a clear path to who I really am. I guess all I’m really trying to say is, I’m having a little trouble getting to sleep.