Blog Archives - TRUTH-LIES...with FD Thornton

A Little Bit More

1/31/2024

Looking out my office window I see nothing but dingy grey skies. But when looking at my desktop background I see photos taken from the International Space Station of earth. It’s funny the comparison between the two not only of the beauty, but also in the perspective that one takes when looking at the two. Outside I am limited by the short distance in which I can see. Bright grey clouds with drizzle falling across the yard, while across my screen I see the boundless wonders of our planet. The lights of our cities connect countries and continents with veins of bright energy against the darkness.

I can’t help but wonder about my own perspective of the world and how limited it can seem. Lately I have allowed that limited view cloud my optimism and peace of mind. Allowing my mind to once again dig into the roots of long dormant seeds of sadness and fear. Rather you pray to the Christian God or to one of the many other Gods scattered across this big blue ball. Know that we are all searching for peace of mind and comfort. But oftentimes our prospective is often so limited by our circumstance, that we fail to see the bigger picture.

That life is more than just the limits we place upon ourselves and that there are others to also consider. Compassion and empathy I believe are gateways to seeing a grander picture than just ourselves. That by considering the needs of the many we ultimately consider the needs of the one. I don’t know what got me started on this path, other than turning on my computer and seeing that screen. But thinking of these things is allowing me to look outside my window and appreciate the clouds and the drizzle just a little bit more.

Back End Low

1/29/2024

Bundled up like it’s the dead of winter (which it is by the way), I’m sitting outside with my back to the sun. The eleven o’clock bell just rang next door as a handful of congregants make their way inside. The last three days were sunny with temperatures in the 70’s, while today the highs barely getting into the 50’s. It’s the type of weather my bride likes to say, “Makes people sick”, and to be honest I can’t disagree.

As the back end of the back end of a low front passes over, the sunshine is blanketed by wrap around clouds from last night’s rain. Making the bright partly cloudy skies feel even colder. Still I got the first load of a three load wash day going. I would have washed them the past three days, but the weatherman kept promising rain, which never happened till last night. I’m sure you’re all tired of hearing my stupid ass stories about the weather and my washing. But honestly that’s pretty much all that I’ve got going on right now. I don’t live in some exciting city or take any lavish vacations. Hell what we consider fine dining is maybe Mickey D’s or Chinese takeout.

But it doesn’t mean we live without hopes, desires, or dreams. It just means our existence is tempered by everyday struggles many choose to disguise. For a long time I was one of those people, afraid to expose my fears and my vulnerabilities. But what does it mean to wear a mask when really all it really does is hide immense pain you feel? So while it seems natural to talk about the good times. Some of us don’t have any other outlet to relieve the pain of the ordinary. But often what’s more celebratory than to acknowledge the commonality we all share. So tell me, how was your day?

All Too Human

1/27/2024

Expressing hopes and dreams is an all too human response to the life around us. Much like the nomadic tribes of old, we live in a world of hardships, both natural and manmade. While not every day is a struggle, we still fight our lesser angels to survive. Here in the reasonable comfort of my little country home, I see the conflicts carried on by warring tribes. All buying for the same piece of land or need to breathe free. You’d think we’d grown beyond petty wars and hatred. But according to the 24-hour news cycle it’s the only way humans can compromise.

I guess I would be considered soft by some (the loudest) of my countrymen. Due to the fact that I place value on all human life. It’s funny that even the holy text of our world leave workarounds to the words “thou shalt not kill” and “blessed are the peacemakers “. Still I sit here with clouds building up from the west. While little children scream and play across the street, as semi’s of commerce roll down the highway. But even this doesn't stop us from feeling jealousy and hate towards one another, as greed and judgement rots our very souls.

I suppose I could be justifiably angry at my situation. Depending on the generosity of others just to make ends meet. But it’s that same low opinion I project on others that I reflect back on myself. Each and everyone of us has our flaws, but it’s when we either ignore or can’t actually see them, that chaos erupts. When we don’t get our way we usually settle for the “nuclear option “, sound familiar? Often the struggle isn’t really with others, but with ourselves. The greed and jealousy we carry comes from someplace deeper, someplace inside of us. To take up arms against your neighbor may feel like the right option. But in most cases is it the best option? Turn the other cheek may sound like the cowards way out. But since when has dying for another become weakness.

Are What They Are

1/26/2024

It’s a semi-sunny day outside, yet my ass has been sitting in this house for two days. Now all my positive attitude friends out there would say, “Get off my ass and go outside”. But my practical side knows that even though it’s a pleasant 63° outside. I also know that every gnat in a ten county area is wide awake and ready to lite. So me and Buffy quietly lay here waiting on nothing in particular simply watching the moments pass. Hey! I can’t help it if I’ve learned to not upset the applecart as it goes. But sometimes things are what they are.

Living under no illusion that I’m either right all the time or wrong most of the time. I do my best to let the opinion of others roll off my back. But when you carry two distinct personality types, it can a bit tricky. When writing I can be thoughtful, observant, and even encouraging. But in the real world I tend to display a more jovial and opinionated attitude. So which one’s the real one? Who the hell knows. We just try to co-exist with one another and try not to take each other out.

So there you have it, the complexity of the human mind. Living in a whirlwind of extremes that may seem a little peculiar to talk about. But not at all hard to live with in the real world. It’s just that we have to understand most everyone else lives with these same complexities. That when painting people with a broad brush often leads to misunderstanding and hate. I don’t want to hate, but honestly there are times when I do. It’s sad to know you want to do better, but you can’t. But discipline, determination, and awareness can open your eyes to a whole new world of joy. If you’d only let it. What part of yourself would you rather serve? The compassionate part or the hateful?

Beneath the Grief

1/25/2024

Patience and worry mix like oil and water in the mind of a troubled soul. Forcing the heart to make hasty decisions. Decisions that usually end up biting you in the ass. I desperately hide my anxiety beneath a layer of soured aggression. Attacking family, attacking myself until I’m buried beneath the grief.

I hold onto a grace not often given. Reminding myself that ignoring the predators isn’t the solution. But common sense and self-dialogue are a much better way to deal with the problem. But as the clock on the wall slowly ticks away. The inadequacies of the past haunt my mind. Sending me into spiraling moments of worthlessness.

I don’t know how many of you can relate. But those ancient emotions don’t feel any better now than they did then. So I wilt like the daffodils hit by frost. Once holding the promise of spring, while now only holding on to the glories of an eminent past. Preachin’ to the choir only brings up notes of trumped-up glory. While distancing yourself from the long-held truth that fear only reaps fear. So much so, that oftentimes surviving is the only thing I can do.

Days Pining Away

1/22/2024

Up late like my yesterday’s, spaced between the hint of alcohol and the dull scent of a cigarette. Pretending with such the sophistication, but bearing the brunt of not knowing a damn thing. Sitting in the company of others not unlike my own. Thinking I knew everything as I drew breath from that stagnate paper tube. Unwilling or unable to see into the future or at least a future beyond the next day.

With boundless energy we danced with heated emotions. Taking some things way too serious while tossing real feelings aside. Yes, we were young. Far too young to see into a future where compromise and defeat carry such a weighted price. Where life dangles a carrot of better days, only to snatch them away.

So why travel into yet more uncharted terrain pretending we know better. When we really don’t. Pretending all our wisdom has taught us something, when really it hasn’t. But in that last breath of pause discovering there is an end. With no bright light at the end of the tunnel …only fear. So I vowed to myself I seek the truth. A greater lesson than I was taught in school. That happiness is a real and far simpler thing than we make it out to be. Where days of pining away for something better are only achieved through pause and appreciation.

Am I Doing Enough?

1/20/2024

As usual I am an hour late taking my afternoon medication. But I can’t blame myself since that’s my premium napping time. Besides after literally decades of taking those two particular medications you tend to take them for granted. Still like the good boy that I am, I eventually took my medication. The two medications that I take in the afternoon aren’t really narcotic or particularly addictive. One is to treat my on again, off again diabetic neuropathy. While the other treats my long standing chronic anxiety issues. Like I said, I’ve been taking these two meds for decades now, especially the anxiety medication.

Spending way too much time thinking about my situation I asked myself the questions, “Do I really need to be pumping all these chemicals into my system?” “Or do I need to seriously look into the alternatives that have been placed before me?” I’m pretty good at two things, describing my troubles in vivid detail and eventually putting a positive spin on most everything. But sometimes talk is just that…talk. But I have to admit I have made some positive changes through these processes. Still when I let my over analyzing brain have its way, the question often pops up, “Am I doing enough?”

I guess I’m just an enigma in a pool of positive posting. In the early days of my social media life I avoided posting about my ailments and phobias. Mostly because I had a mission of growing and developing my business and my brand. But covertly I was confessing “my sins” over private messaging sites for individuals with the same problems. Then in late 2015 after my first stress induced heart attack, I had the epiphany of “What the f#ck?”. Meaning that all that secrecy and hiding behind a broken smile was actually making me feel worse. That the lie of “Oh, I feel just fine” was actually killing me. Still to all of my friends and followers that adhere to the positive speak mantra, I don’t mean to throw shame. This is just me and my story of what it takes to keep me going.

Keeping Me Warm

1/19/2024

After a couple of really exhausting weeks, my body is soundly reminding me who’s the boss. It’s funny how the seemingly apparent improvements I’ve made in my lifestyle. Draft away as quickly as the wind, when I push and stress this old vessel to any certain degree. Today I’m apparently paying the price for my utter need to “get shit done”. But mind you it’s all just part of my DNA.

My old man was an all-star example of, “if you want things done right, you got to do them yourself”. And believe me when I tell you, “the apple didn’t fall far from the tree”. I guess in a way I was born for the life I currently live. Being a caregiver to two special needs adults is a failed attempt at being a patient, understanding, and generous person. I say failed attempt to point out I am by no means a Saint. That for every moment I show off some giving quality. There are also moments where I am frustrated, selfish, and angry.

Who the hell knows where I’m going with this other then to say, I get it. That despite the optimism and my get it done attitude. There are moments where I’m broke down, pissed, and defeated. But I don’t think right now is one of those moments. Instead I’m just resigned to laying here under the covers and letting nature take it’s course. My wife and oldest son are doing alright at the moment. She’s playing one of her memory games, while our son fixed himself breakfast and is watching TV. As for me? Well I’m laying here, telling you a story, with the cats laying next to me keeping me warm.

A Much Larger World

1/16/2024

Sitting outside and meditating for a moment, I stopped to answer a message from a young Moroccan friend of mine. He simply asked how I was doing. That in itself is just a simple thing. But thinking of the cultural and physical divide between us it’s pretty amazing. But on my adventures with social media it’s funny how your eyes can be opened to a much larger world.

Growing up my focus was on a small set of friends and a very small world view. Today while I live in near isolation in the physical world. I have hundreds of friends and acquaintances globally. While my focus of friends globally is mostly musicians, painters, poets, and writers. There are still cultural and spiritual differences scattered amongst us. What this has done over the decades, is open my eyes to a greater purpose and potential for humanity. Meaning that through art, through empathy, and through a shared passion, we can all easily get along if we tried.

Listen, I doubt my one voice will change anyone’s mind about bigotry, class censorship, or religious intolerance. But just as that one young man asked me, how I was doing? Maybe we can all look beyond what we see around us and grasp the bigger picture. If you want to convince me you are right and that I am wrong, then live it. Prove to me what is fair, prove to me what is just, and what is truly compassionate. There's no difference in the vibrant blues and mosaic patterns of his home, compared to the muted greys and greens of mine. We are all more alike than we are different. Creating a more God-like view means seeing everything as it is and acknowledging our differences.

Saying Much of Nothing

1/14/2024

With the wind gusting at around 16 mph and a feel like temperature of 39°. My stupid ass is sitting outside waiting for the clothes to finish washing. With my chair turned towards the sun, you have to wonder what’s wrong with me. Opting to spend my morning sitting here in the cold freezing my fingers off. Typing jibber jabber into my phone, not saying much of nothing. I guess I should look at this as either my reward or my sentence for a life lived in service.

But the sun feels pretty good warming my face, as I listen to the sound of our small town coming to life. But it’s still quiet enough to hear the branches rattling against each other in the sycamore trees. I don’t know what else to tell you other than I’m feeling pretty good. I know that most of us like to tune in to the drama but isn’t it nice to get a genuine response that someone actually feels fine. Telling stories is fun, it’s a legacy that both sides of my family engrained in me. It’s an art that seems to be lost in this modern world.

I’m glad to see this upcoming generation seemingly embrace their past. The vintage appeal of vinyl records and Friendsgiving’s does my heart good. It reminds me of my youth before the advent of smartphones and social media. When my friends would gather at the river or go on a bar crawl just because that’s all we had to do. But over the decades we walked away from that, opting for collecting junk all in the name of convenience. While I’ll be the first to say, I love the convenience on my smartphone, especially when writing. But I’m getting kinda tired of that being a focal point of my life. So maybe it’s not so stupid just to sit out in the sun. Taking in what life has to give and breathing in the spirit of old friends.