Blog Archives - TRUTH-LIES...with FD Thornton

All I Can Do

10/30/2023

Image By: Sandra Saxon Burnsed

The weekend was very pleasant, we got paid in advance. So we weren’t depended on “pine floats” and “spoonfuls of peanut butter” for substance. We also got a number of lovely pictures from our socially evasive child and their family. (A family which I can neither confirm nor deny on social media.) I also got a number of other images sent to me from young families from literally around the world that follow me on social media. Much to the horror of immediate family, I have a very active life on social media. And while some of this younger generation see social media as some sort of disease. I’m not so naïve to think every link is a trip won to the Caribbean. Or that everyone is a Nigerian prince needing a benefactor. Or that behind every beautiful face is someone only looking for a father figure… Please!

Anyway, the fact that I have a small intimate following, gives me pause when it comes to world events. Because whichever side you take, someone’s going to disagree. Currently we are being inundated with graphic images of dying families and children, from a war that’s been brewing for decades. A war that’s roots are older than written history. A war in which no one is frankly in the right anymore. It would be easy for me to just hide behind my wall of America and ignore the hurt. But I have too many Jewish friends, I have too many Muslim friends, and frankly I feel torn down the middle.

We speak of unity, yet deep down we often choose sides. There are factions in this war that simply cannot be right. I believe in human kindness, I believe in compassion and mercy. Things I haven’t really seen of late from anyone. I’ve seen conservatives rip into liberals for being “less than”. I’ve seen liberals do the same thing to conservatives. And I’m so damned tired of it. There are many that know me well enough to say, “Hey, aren’t you one that rips into the differences of others as a joke!” “You, are such hypocrite!” Well there is no denying I can other be a cynical smartass. But differences are the flavorful ingredient that holds progress and understanding together. This current war has killed one too many. And it has the potential of killing many billions more all in the name of “they started it first”. All I can do is love all of you and pray for a solution.

Something to Do

10/23/2023

Some things you just can’t get off your mind. Especially when they’re staring you right in the face. I just left the Wollar General which was packed with folks at least 20 years older than me. Cleaning the shelves of all the basics, some of which I needed. But I can’t blame Granny for the inconvenience, I mean for many of us, it’s scrape up the couch change time. If I drive at least 125 miles in any direction from here, you see new warehouses and factories going up everywhere. All I see here is a graveyard waiting to die.

Sorry if I sapped whatever joy you found in your day. But even in my little oasis, there’s a stench of disappointment and fear. Over the last several months I’ve felt it all too well. With the cost of living going ever higher, and my wages trapped by an outdated government statistic. It reminds me of the 1970’s where I witnessed my parents middle class dream crumble before their eyes. But I was told there would always be hard times. But over the last 40 years of my life, when will the “trickle down” finally hit me?

Don’t worry, cause I know that ship has long passed. At least for us so-called lazy grunts with more going out than we got coming in. Still the birds are singing overhead and when a stray kitten or two show up, I try and feed them. So what makes me any different? Any different than the lucky few that seem to have it all together? Nothing. Cause when you look hard enough we all share the same dreams and disappointments. So should I really be that mad? Probably not, but it definitely gives my amygdala something to do.

Love & Legecy

10/21/2023

With a steady wind blowing a touch of rain is said to be heading our way. And as usual I got a laundry list of things I need to get done. But my lazy ass is just sitting out here just enjoying the sunshine and the clouds. Rather I deserve this more leisurely lifestyle is definitely up for debate. But with all the issues I live with, I know for certain if I ignored it I probably wouldn’t still be around. Believe it or not I’ve always had a bad habit of pushing myself a little too far. A bad habit I’m sure I inherited from my old man.

But unlike the old man, I took advantage of my second chance. And rather through fear or stubborn determination, I’m sitting here approaching my 61st year. Awareness offers you way more advantages than disadvantages. If your sincere and compassionate, listening to yourself can give you an unfiltered perspective on your limitations and your strengths. Still there are lots of times when I push myself, especially when I am focused on a task.

I’m glad I have my family and my wife around to keep me in check. Like at this moment where I know I should be having lunch, but instead I’m too focused on moment to slow down. My writing and my poetry are my passion. I suppose I’m just making up for lost time when I was medicated and numb. But back then I had to do what I had to do to keep my family going. While the reward of a great family was worth it, the price I paid took it’s toll. Going back to the old man. I reckon as I age even beyond his years I understand. That sometimes sacrifice is the means to the end when dealing with love and legacy.

Time & Time...Again

10/19/2023

I have triggers. And yes, I may be a hardened late boomer with all the cynical might of a younger Gen Xer. But to be honest, since my initial mental breakdown in 1999, I have triggers. You can only put so much stress on a structure till eventually it comes crashing down. And despite all the reconstruction and repair that I have done to myself, I’m not the same structure I was pre-1999. Affirmations, therapy, mindfulness may have all helped. But the soul that felt that first break, has relived that moment time and time again.

I ask that you don’t fault me nor do I lay all the blame at any one person’s feet. It’s just that when that trigger is pulled, it takes me a little time to recover. At this moment the trigger was pulled by a complete stranger. Someone who may genuinely have my best interests at heart. But in my experience the only person I can truly depend on is myself. So when promises are made, sadly I hardly ever take anyone at face value, not even my loved ones.

So a seed of doubt was planted, a small seed, but a seed nonetheless. And at this moment the only relief I see is burying myself under the covers and breathing the best I can. Some of you may know what I’m talking about, you may be in a similar situation. The blood rushes from your head, you feel as if you’re going to pass out. You get shaky and the first instinct you have is to hide. But journaling is my first line of defense against such emotions. So that is what I’m doing right now. Many think of me as an uncaring, cynical, son-of-a-bitch. And to a point, they’re probably right. But here is my confession. Often my first reflex is to attack then flee. But underneath the ferocity are the core fears that will probably never go away.

Extra Time

10/17/2023

I know that I’m only be 60 years old, but damn, the slightest bit of cool wind can cut right through me. This used to not be the case 10 years and 130 lbs ago. Now I understand how old skinny Judge felt when he worked the guard shack back at Ithaca. In the mail today I got a variety pack of medical procedures that were approved by my insurance company. Of course they were written in medical jargon so I had to look anything up. Some of the approved procedures made since. But some of them I didn’t know I even had done. Anyway, instead of diving down that rabbit hole, I decided to go outside and enjoy the frozen sunshine.

So with hands under my armpits, I breathe in the crisp autumn air. Listening to the leaves rustling in the wind. And of course the roaring of the diesel engines rolling down the highway. It’s been a while since I’ve had to put in a good 12 hour shift guarding a construction site. I remember working one site off the interstate near Macon. Just me and a trailer, a flashlight, a cellphone, and a golf cart. I was there to keep looters from vandalizing and stealing construction supplies. That was a cold winter even by my 300+ lbs standards. But the work as easy as long as I made my rounds and stayed awake.

Now I’m sitting here in the sun about to freeze my ass off. Thinking about the diagnostic codes I was looking at I wondered. How easy I would have been to just to ignore all the signals of my failing health. And how cold I’d be right now six feet under. I broke a family cause and lived past the age of 59, so now what? It’s a thought that’s crossed my mind on more than one occasion, believe me. But at this moment, I’ll just sit here and absorb all that I hear, all that I see, and everything I breathe. And be grateful for the extra time I’ve been given.

Have You Ever Thought?

10/15/2023

It’s finally sunny outside and with a somewhat steady breeze I’m just sitting here watching the laundry dry. The church bell just rang, so the good Baptist next door are about ready to raise a little hell across the fence. I got a couple of really sweet text messages this morning asking me how I am and letting me know they appreciated me. Among those messages was a voice mail from a young lady in Bangladesh. Don’t ask me how, but we started following each other on IG a number of years ago through our appreciation of each other’s art.

Over time as with any one of my other kids, I’ve watched her painting develop and grow. All the while making the same usual mistakes that most young people would in life. I’ve learned a lot about her culture and traditions as she has about mine. It’s funny though, that throughout our online friendship, individuals I know still think I’m being scammed. They warn me of her hacking or stealing my information. Like I actually have some big government secret or even a positive amount in my bank account.

While I am not ignorant of the scammers out there (I get contacted by them nearly everyday). It’s sad to see how the words trust and compassion have faded from our vocabulary. For example this young woman lost her beloved father at in early age. She was abused, had to endure a loveless arranged marriage, and is now raising a child on her own with little help. If I’m being scammed, this is the most verifiable con ever ran. And for what? Apparently nothing more than a shoulder to cry on. So for all the haters and non-believers in human compassion out there, let me say. Have you ever thought maybe you’re the one being scammed?

Nasty Old Booger

10/14/2023

It’s another drizzly day in the neighborhood. We’re still fighting the wrap around from the lower pressure that’s blown through the past two days. But the weatherman claims brighter, and drier days are ahead by the weekend. In a few hours I have a video conference with my orthopedic surgeon about my MRI results. Hopefully we’ll learn a little something about which way her team wants to go as far as treatment. Other than that, I was spoiled by the nice dry weather we had last week and I’m looking forward to seeing it again.

It's always been easy for me to focus (obsess) about my health. It was always something I felt I could control. But when it comes to matters of my mental health, I’m often not as confident. Oh, I put on a good show of strength about it, but that nasty old booger has a way of just getting under my skin. In the past it seemed like every time I overcame a particular mental tick. My panic or my depression would come up with a whole new plan of attack. It’s like when I’d overcome one particular fear, and not long afterwards another would take its place.

At the moment an old fear has been creeping up my backside. Causing me to have the most vivid and anxious dreams I’ve had in quite a while. The solution is always the same, wait it out and breathe through it. But the “man-up” part of my brain wants to attack the enemy. Which “nine times out of ten” leads to even more trouble up ahead. So what do you do? Give in to does same old habits and run through that cycle again? Or do I focus on what I can change and work towards bettering myself? The answer may seem easy, but in reality it is not. I’ve been working on my mental wellness going on 25 years and frankly, I’m pretty damn sure I’ll be working on it till the day I die. All I’m saying if a simpleton from the flatwoods of Georgia can try and do better, so can you.

It was a Slow Morning

10/13/2023

It was a slow morning for me to get started. I don’t know why other than it was just cold. But I finally did get my ass out of bed and get dressed. And yes Mom, I made the bed. It looks like a pretty good day outside, but for now I’m in the room working at my desktop. My fingers are cold due to poor circulation, but just like millions of other folks out there. So what do you want to talk about today? The latest tragic news or that boring mess known as politics. Me I’m more focused on trying to get my damn fingers warmed up. But the scent of a vanilla candle fills the air, and as much as I’m tempted to go outside. I’m trying instead to occupy my indoor space and infuse it with some good Chi.

That’s because my dear bride has been in a lot of pain due to a long-standing medical issue. Which lends her to some pretty intense outburst of anger and frustration. For me to try and calm her down is a moot point. Considering that I am not only her husband but I’m also her caregiver. It’s a mixed-up relationship for sure, where I assumed the responsibilities of being the primary decision maker, the appointment scheduler, bill payer, chauffeur, and household manager. In public situations like when I’m helping her in a store or giving her medical details to a new doctor, it can look like I’m a dominating asshole. But I’m sure anyone in a similar caregiving situation knows what I mean.

So I leave her to her recliner with Universal Kids channel playing on the TV and her gaming apps in her hand. While I go do some laundry and wash the dishes. Eventually she comes into the room and starts putting up the dried clothes and for a moment we look like a normal couple. God knows, I’m not looking for any pity for myself or for her. She’s lived with her disabilities far longer than I’ve been around. Besides I walked into this marriage with my eyes fairly wide open. This is the third day I’ve been working on this piece. But for a really long time I just wouldn’t talk about our situation. The exhaustion, the guilt, the loneliness, and so many bad choices. Are enough to plant seeds of doubt. But then there are those moments when everything’s okay. Like driving down the road guessing the age of the slow drivers we pass. Is he 99 or 103? Or laying in bed trying to guess who’s The Masked Singer. Take it off! Take it off! Yeah, it’s easy to say I give up and walk away. I’ve actually seen that happen more than a few times. But her and I, we’re still here.

Don't Take the Bait

10/10/2023

I’m back in my cubby hole behind the Ranger again, looking at the clouds smeared across the blue morning sky. For the last few days I’ve been thinking about the lengths some people will go to not be themselves. Rather it’s the usual “make up shit just to look more exciting on social media”. Or the downright lying some do to just take advantage of you. It’s just hard for me to understand the reasons why they do it. As a writer I’ll always be guilty of a little (alright, maybe a lot) of embellishment. But does is that make a good excuse for being downright deceptive?

I reckon I shouldn’t question anyone’s motives other than my own. But it just bothers me to get so many likes and follows, just to find out they have some hidden agenda. Just state your business up front. If you got a ton of nudies to sell and you’re phishing for customers, then just say so. I don’t blame any one for trying to earn a living. But the ones that bother me to most are the ones that build-up a rapport with you, just to fulfill some agenda. I suppose I’m seen like an easy mark. Too many times someone will send me a DM and start a conversation. All the while being vague or inconsistent about themselves. Sadly this is when they try to set the hook, so they can reel you in. But when you refuse to take the bait, you usually end up getting cussed out and made to feel like you did something wrong.

Like I said this has been on my mind for a while now. I have an adult child (whom cannot be mentioned on the Internet), who has an almost paranoid fear of social media. To a point I can’t blame them, just from my own experience. So I guess I’m just too naïve in thinking there are still people out there with good intentions. Sadly through the world does it’s damnedest to prove me wrong. But just over my head, there’s a songbird singing a tune I’ve heard any number of times. And it calms my soul just a little to know that within all this natural wonder. That are still those with no hidden agendas with no malice towards another.