Time & Time...Again

 I have triggers. And yes, I may be a hardened late boomer with all the cynical might of a younger Gen Xer. But to be honest, since my initial mental breakdown in 1999, I have triggers. You can only put so much stress on a structure till eventually it comes crashing down. And despite all the reconstruction and repair that I have done to myself, I’m not the same structure I was pre-1999. Affirmations, therapy, mindfulness may have all helped. But the soul that felt that first break, has relived that moment time and time again.
 
I ask that you don’t fault me nor do I lay all the blame at any one person’s feet. It’s just that when that trigger is pulled, it takes me a little time to recover. At this moment the trigger was pulled by a complete stranger. Someone who may genuinely have my best interests at heart. But in my experience the only person I can truly depend on is myself. So when promises are made, sadly I hardly ever take anyone at face value, not even my loved ones.
 
So a seed of doubt was planted, a small seed, but a seed nonetheless. And at this moment the only relief I see is burying myself under the covers and breathing the best I can. Some of you may know what I’m talking about, you may be in a similar situation. The blood rushes from your head, you feel as if you’re going to pass out. You get shaky and the first instinct you have is to hide. But journaling is my first line of defense against such emotions. So that is what I’m doing right now. Many think of me as an uncaring, cynical, son-of-a-bitch. And to a point, they’re probably right. But here is my confession. Often my first reflex is to attack then flee. But underneath the ferocity are the core fears that will probably never go away.