Blog Archives - TRUTH-LIES...with FD Thornton

I'm Doing Just Fine

4/27/2023

Adobe Stock - Olly

Living on a fixed monthly income is such a joy, especially the last few days of the month. I’m sure I don’t have to tell any of you the cost of every day items is crazy. At first when you saw the Dollar Store turn to the Dollar Twenty Five Cent Store, you don’t think much of it. But Jeez that’s a 25% increase on every item sold in the store. That’s not just a little bump in price, that to me borders of corporate greed. And I know, I know their cost have gone up. But damn, I have friends struggling just to keep the doors open on their small businesses. While we gladly pull out our debt cards at these big box highway robbers.

I thought I got all my ranting out yesterday but apparently I got a little more to give. But I try and keep some perspective on the struggles life gives. I guess we should look at it like a hot piece of metal being tempered and folded on an anvil. With each strike of the hammer, the metal takes form eventually becoming a strong piece of art. (Sorry I’ve been binge watching The Mandalorian.)

My Grandma Geiger used to give me such sage advice when it came to troubles. Often taking the hardships of life and laughing at them. Saying things like, “You can’t get blood from a turnip”. Or, “With life, you either gonna laugh or cry. So I just assume laugh”. These and a million more memories are buried deep in my psyche. Allowing me to feel the suffering, while at the same time holding on to my patience. That eventually better times are gonna come.

So pay heed to your troubles, don’t just bottle them up with words like “I’m fine” or “I’m doing alright “. Confess your sins as the church likes to say. If to nobody else but yourself. The freedom of release is a powerful tool when the burdens of life weigh you down. You don’t have to walk this road alone. There are plenty of us out here that know exactly how you feel. Rather you choose a solitary life or it’s simply forced upon you. Know that many suffer under the rusted armor of “I’m doing just fine”.

Mowing & Blowing

4/25/2023

Since seven o’clock this morning the landscaping company that cuts the strips of grass around the EMC building have been “hard at work”. Mind you I have ten times more grass in my yard than the EMC building. Which by the way takes one man with one lawnmower 30 minutes to cut. But after 3 hours the landscaping crew (of at least 3 men), are still mowing and blowing dirt around.

But enough ranting about corporate America. It’s kinda cool this morning, with the wind blowing out of the southeast. I’m sitting here in the backyard trying to listen to a couple of birds overhead. Hoping that my buddy’s next door have finally “milked the clock enough “ to go on to the next lawn. The smell of gasoline and oil is finally dissipating since the leaf blowers have moved on. But there’s still plenty of racket to be heard over the birds from somebody banging on a dumpster and the large number of cars heading to the courthouse.

But like I said, I’ll stop ranting. Things don’t often go according to plan. My friends out there with their five year plans would probably go crazy with all this excess noise. But as nature often reminds us the unexpected often brings the most pleasant surprises. Such as the appreciation you feel once the noise is finally gone. You can’t appreciate happiness without experiencing a little sadness. Nor can you appreciate the sunshine without a little rain. Life gives to us what it gives. It’s up to us to create the balance.

My Ceiling

4/24/2023

This picture is a view of my ceiling. I’ve been up since before 7am getting things together to go over to my daughter’s. Today her brothers helped paint a room and mow the front lawn. I stayed outside and managed the grass cutting, because if I breath incorrectly I might cause a panic inside. Anyway, the yard is done and also part of the room. I just hope they finish it before it’s needed.

Now I’m back in my own yard (where someone else mows the grass) sitting under a canopy of green leaves. I could sit in the house and turn on the air, but I’d much rather enjoy this breeze out of the northeast and the big puffy clouds. To be honest I’m not fit for man nor beast at the moment. I’m still keyed up and a little pissed with everyone right now. Hell, I don’t remember why, I just know I am.

So the best place for me to be is outside isolating myself from everyone till the anger fades. A sweet friend of mine mentioned this morning, that sometimes it’s best just to keep quiet. Knowing her like I do, that’s probably pretty hard. I grew up around half a family that didn’t hold anything back, while the other half would just walk away. The dichotomy of this is not lost on me now. It just depends on which side of the bed I awake up on, as to which one you’re going to get.

So I refuse to say I went with the better angels in this instance. Because both sides are a blessed legacy for me. So I dine with the angels this afternoon no matter where I end up. Knowing that family has been taken care of and that life just keeps moseying along.

Catch & Release

4/21/2023

Courtesy of WTOC

Back when I was a kid growing up in Savannah Georgia in the 1970’s. There was a journeyman TV news reporter I grew up watching that was a jack of all trades. He was a late night reporter, he worked as a police beat reporter, and sometimes even a morning news anchor. His name was Johnny Cole, and if you grew up in the Coastal Empire through the ‘60’s to the ‘90’s you saw him regularly on WTOC Channel 11.

Now there’s not much I know personally about the man, other than what I saw on TV. But I do know he used to do a fishing segment on the morning news. Covering the best places to go fishing or showing off some kid’s first big catch. His catchphrase was always, “Get hooked on fishing, not drugs.” Now that all sounded a bit hooky, especially for us teenagers back then, but I always felt he was being sincere.

Another thing I learned from old Johnny was about “catch and release “ where you only took the fish you needed and released to rest. Now a pile of my relatives and old fishing buddies think that philosophy is a mountain of bullshit. That you keep everything you catch and freeze the rest. And I’ve had my share of disagreements with one of my dear late uncles about that very subject.

The reason I bring up the subject is to remind y’all. Is that often times you can have you fill of troubles. But eventually those troubles or burdens need to be let go. That putting them up in the freezer only means your putting up anger, fear, and hate for another day. It’s time we gather up the things that trouble us and simple throw them back into the pool of life. Now some of you may not agree. You may say it’s the anger that fuels your passions. But like I said, when you’ve had your fill, let it go. And like old Johnny used also say, “Take a kid fishing”.

Turkey Sandwich

4/19/2023

Me and my oldest son just got through mowing my oldest child’s lawn. Hers is a complicated story which she has banned me from telling. Anyway the backyard is done and I brought home her weedeater to see if we can respool it with string. Right now I’m in my backyard, fighting off the gnats and dodging the sunshine. I stole three chicken nuggets from my son’s happy meal after we were done. But now I’m getting a little hungry, so I asked my wife to make me a turkey sandwich.

I try to stay as uncomplicated as I can. As I’ve grown older I’ve learned the least complicated I stay the better. That’s why instead of fiddling around with that weed eater spool, I saved the job for my youngest. He’s getting pretty good at figuring shit out. Plus in my own sneaky way I’m trying to work on his self confidence. With a little breeze stirring from the south and east, I catch a damn cardinal flying out of the corner of eye. Usually when you see one, there’s usually another one around somewhere. I’m not a big fan of Cardinals or Bluejays for that matter. They often act like big bullies when they hang out around the bird feeder.

In a community where we are all supposed to get along. For whatever reason certain individuals believe themselves to be better than most. That by some “divine intervention”, they believe themselves to be “enlightened”. Just because they drive a better truck or they inherited their Granddaddy’s timber claim. Whatever the reason, education or membership in the right click, we all have rules to abide by. For no one is above the law. But like I said, we got our bullies and they think it’s their God given right to rule as they see fit.

But I try and to not be that complicated. Oh I have my opinions, but there left said to just a handful. In a country where we all are supposed to be able to live free and happy. Most women, minorities, the poor, and the gender fluid are treated like second class citizens. Yet among us are many led blindly like pigs to the slaughter, never understanding they to are just part of the game.

Decades of Practice

4/17/2023

Just when you figured things out, circumstance pulls another trigger and there you fall again. The last several hours haven’t been easy on my mind. A situation I often face reared its ugly head again taking my house of cards down with it. To be the one in charge is never easy, especially when you’d just assume be another ignorant drone. But with some degree of enlightenment comes the burden of being aware. I remember as a kid asking God for wisdom. What a foolish request to make when looking back. Because for the rest of your life you end up seeing things you wish you could unsee.

Living a life in total control places the burden of perfection upon your mind. Unfortunately perfection is an unreal goal to work towards. So the result is a failed self-image and ever increasing self-hatred. That when left unchecked creates this distorted view of everything around you. Within ourselves it creates totally unrealistic demands while fueling an anger you carry against the world. At the moment the depression I carry is reigning over me. Pulling every ounce of energy out of my body. But don’t worry, cause you’ll never see it. I am a master of disguise with decades of practice.

But my reason for writing this is two-fold. First is to give voice to the pain I currently carry. And second, to express to those of you out there that feel the same, that these feelings are only natural. Many would have you believe that depression, self-anger, and fear are elements we can live without. But I often find myself questioning these assumptions. For me to live a life in balance, you must accept all elements that make you who you are. While many see my words as dedicating, in truth they are about simply about acceptance. For what is love without hate and what is healing without pain. Conscience acceptance of the life as it is, is the first step towards healing and forgiveness.

Trouble on the Wind

4/8/2023

With the sun to my back, I watch the shadows dance along the ground. For a day that supposed to turn stormy, this morning is anything but. The songbirds play in stereo across my ears, while the noise of mankind interferes like a clanging cymbal or beating drum. I can smell moisture in air blowing from the southwest hinting at the trouble coming our way. But I’ll sit here as long as I can till then.

I listened to a young woman this morning complimenting me on the kind words I said to her. As most of you know, I have no real agenda when it comes to flirting other than to remind myself I still can. Unfortunately at my age I’m just a toothless old lion that occasionally likes to hear himself roar. But beyond that, making a sincere comment is much better on the ears than a blaring bullhorn of cynicism and distaste. As many around me would point out, I should be the last person to lecture anyone on cynicism. But just watch me, I am trying learn.

My point here is, keep a check on yourself. Don’t always assume that you are right. Don’t let your fragile ego write a check get your ass can’t cash. People aren’t to be played with, even the ones who deserve it. And please don’t start going on about your God given rights and the woke media. How about cutting everyone some slack and not open your mouth. The point is not rather your right or wrong, it’s about civil discourse. That young woman appreciated that my comments didn’t end with some crude innuendo. To a greater extent you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Be a gentle soul. Not everything is going to go your way. Don’t be afraid of your own vulnerability. Because you never know when there’s going to be real trouble on the wind.

Passing By My Ear

4/6/2023

It’s sorta funny how I can be sitting in my yard while the rest of the world rushes by. It’s just after 5 in the afternoon and the boys at the EMC have already closed the gates. The few folks are still leaving the courthouse speeding by heading on their way home. While I’m left here swatting gnats under the shade of the old fig monstrosity. Mr. Brown came out earlier today to hoe up beds around the greens he’s planted. While me and my oldest son made the trip to my daughter’s to mow her front yard.

I watched my soaps and took a nap after lunch. Now I’m just enjoying the sound of the songbirds and the distance moan of cars and semis passing by. By this point I’m writing just for the sake of writing. Putting my finger on this tiny keyboard hazing through my thoughts for the day. Not having anyone to talk to that honestly gives a shit. I understand why hurting people write manifestos of death and destruction. When they also believe nobody cares. Wow. That took a weird turn didn’t it?

We blame the easily marked for the world’s troubles. While we ourselves rant and rage when things don’t go our way. So maybe I am blessed in that I can rant and rage across this screen that nobody really gets anyway. But in the end I have enough self-compassion to see past my own self-judgement to free my soul. But it still gets lonely out here, while the world goes deafly silent except for the sound of a lone bumblebee passing by my ear.

Wherever it Leads

4/4/2023

I read all the sunny messages I receive every morning. But after a while I’ve just learned to just stay mute, if I don’t share their sentiment. I try not to lie about how I feel at the moment. I’ve simply learned to accept the discomfort and negative emotions I feel. Some of you may think that’s crazy. To wallow in the mud of despair, not picking up your head. But this is my method, my modus operandi. To accept my emotions as they are and eventually seek solace through my journey.

One of the things I’ve been forced to accept is that I don’t always get to have things my way. Throughout my youth and adult life I’ve pretty much had to compromise. Part of that’s due to my submissive attitude and wanting to please people. Growing up never believing that your good enough can do a job on your self-esteem and motivation. Many folks will tell you that feeding yourself tons of slap-happy bullshit will cure that. But it didn’t take me long to figure out that I have a food allergy when it comes to BS.

So in other words, I'd usually just end up vomiting all over myself. But still I knew I was miserable and simply couldn’t maintain the emotions I needed to survive. So I began searching. First I tried more traditional methods of resurrecting my self-esteem. But the religious faux pas I’d been fed never acknowledged where the pain truly can from. Delving into Eastern practices never felt right neither. Always wanting me to believe in their demi-gods and second lives.

I eventually stumbled upon the Buddhist faith preached by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh. His blending of eastern faith and acceptance of western theology. Brought me to a comfortable middle ground where I understand that acceptance, forgiveness, and self-care are key to a peaceful existence. Like I said, I woke up to a certain amount of discomfort. But as I write this I’m reminded that honesty, acceptance, and love are key elements to continuing my journey, wherever it leads.

Scent of Spring

4/1/2023

Image By: Sandra Burnsed

There is nothing as sweet and invigorating as the smell fresh cut grass. I just got back from checking on George, and apparently while I was gone Mr Brown cut the lawn. Leaving the scent of fresh cut grass lingering in the air. With three days worth of laundry now hanging on the line. A southerly breeze blows reminding me it’s time to put away the dead of winter and embrace the rebirth of spring.

We could always use a little rain, but it’s the sweet scent of spring that livens up the senses. Now summer, winter, and fall all have their own way of teasing our senses. With their celebrations, vivid colors, and Yuletide glee. But spring with it’s focus on rebirth gently reminds us that life after death has its moments. But it’s up to us how successful we navigate those moments.

With the birth of our newest grandchild this spring. My senses are heightened to the promise and joy of the season. Thinking back on our lives, it’s easy to forget the moments that brought us here. Life has such a repetitive cycle that it’s easy to get caught in the loop. Forgetting that each moment has the potential to teach us something new. For far too long I’ve lived in a valley of despair, a place I find myself far too often these days. But as I already said, the scent of spring gives hope. That no matter the storm clouds, renewal is but a breath away.