Wherever it Leads
I read all the sunny messages I receive every morning. But after a while I’ve just learned to just stay mute, if I don’t share their sentiment. I try not to lie about how I feel at the moment. I’ve simply learned to accept the discomfort and negative emotions I feel. Some of you may think that’s crazy. To wallow in the mud of despair, not picking up your head. But this is my method, my modus operandi. To accept my emotions as they are and eventually seek solace through my journey.
One of the things I’ve been forced to accept is that I don’t always get to have things my way. Throughout my youth and adult life I’ve pretty much had to compromise. Part of that’s due to my submissive attitude and wanting to please people. Growing up never believing that your good enough can do a job on your self-esteem and motivation. Many folks will tell you that feeding yourself tons of slap-happy bullshit will cure that. But it didn’t take me long to figure out that I have a food allergy when it comes to BS.
So in other words, I'd usually just end up vomiting all over myself. But still I knew I was miserable and simply couldn’t maintain the emotions I needed to survive. So I began searching. First I tried more traditional methods of resurrecting my self-esteem. But the religious faux pas I’d been fed never acknowledged where the pain truly can from. Delving into Eastern practices never felt right neither. Always wanting me to believe in their demi-gods and second lives.
I eventually stumbled upon the Buddhist faith preached by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh. His blending of eastern faith and acceptance of western theology. Brought me to a comfortable middle ground where I understand that acceptance, forgiveness, and self-care are key to a peaceful existence. Like I said, I woke up to a certain amount of discomfort. But as I write this I’m reminded that honesty, acceptance, and love are key elements to continuing my journey, wherever it leads.
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FD Thornton, Jr
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